October 09, 2006

New Year, Hooooo!

Welcome, one and all, to my first post in MONTHS. And also my first post of the year.

Before we begin, a brief note, this will not be interesting or worth your time. You have been warned.

I’m sat in the Learning Grid, marvelling at how hard people are working whilst I’m humouring myself with inane pursuits, stealing internet and generally being a waste of space and resources.

I’ve forgotten to bring my phone USB cable, so I can’t delight you with any of my latest experiments.

(Which have included cultivating a turkey with three heads for use as a demonic guard to the gates of Bernard Matthews.)

Be disappointed not. For I shall include some imagery on which to feast your eyes.

Like a graph! No presentation would be complete without a generic graph!


(Don’t forget to label your axes!)

I will also include this delicious picture.



It is now time for me to depart the Learning Grid, as I’m getting a few strange looks and I’m a little bit on fire.

Ta ta!

PS. If you are my parents, all of this is lies. I’m working really hard.

April 19, 2006

The Effects of Swiss Chocolate on High–Caffeine Beverages

Nothing quite like a steaming hot brew of liquid stimulants is there? Coffee shop frequenters would disagree, probably exclaiming something like "But what about a Frosted Topaloppafrappolatte with extra espressocino flakes!?!"

However, I was recently having myself a rare vat of the brown stuff when a startling opportunity arose..

See, coffee is pretty dependable. It's brown, tastes of coffee and is always too hot to drink for at least 20 minutes.


This also makes it pretty boring. "Not for long!" thought I, observing a lone Toblerone chunk upon my desk.


Clearly, there was no way this couldn't be a good idea! Ahem.. So after rigging up the appropriate Allen Key Delivery System, I set about revolutionising caffeine for the masses.


After deposition of the Toblerone Chunk, the reaction mixture was agitated with an appropriate piece of laboratory equipment.


The Acid Test…


Frankly, the previous image portrays one of the worst 10 moments of my life. Right inbetween the great jam-smothered bee pursuit of 1998 and trapping my entire head in the fridge door.


In summary, if youre ever tempted to dissolve Swiss chocolate in hot beverage.. don't. Just don't.


March 21, 2006

Shave Me!

I dislike shaving adverts.

Every time a new razor is released, we get a startling insight into Wilkinson Sword's development department.

"Howard! How do we make our next razor BETTER!?"
"Erm.. I.. We..."
"Aaargh, Stick another blade on it!?"
"Good work, Howard! My wife baked you a special pie, I've been saving it for now! It's in your car!"
"How did you get into my car.."

You get the impression.

However, I've given this some thought. And I think I've saved Wilkinson Sword tons of R&D time and money. And possibly advanced shaving technology by about 10 years:


You can guess the advert too. LESS STROKES, LESS IRRITATION. Works by scaring the shit out of your face! The hair just falls out!

Retails at a reasonable price. Replacement heads cost more than a small car.

Howard would be proud.

March 09, 2006


I'm the first to admit I don't drive a particularly masculine car. But my Micra gets me from A to B (usually via F) and doesn't drink petrol like it's going to run out in the next 50 years.

However, via the wonder of my Photoshopping skills and a vast amount of free time on my hands, great things are possible..

The Micralorean

So if anybody wants to give me the plans for a 1984 Delorean and a welding torch, I can start work.

I'll just have to remember to drive it below 88mph.

March 03, 2006

The Perils of Inorganic Labs

So, as many second year chemists will know, Ferrocene is a lovely orange powder that smells of diesel.

It looks something like this:

However, two of my associates managed to.. not.. make.. this.
I will of course protect their identities so I shall simply refer to them as "Paul Brooks" and "Mike O'Connell"

In a lab manual, when it says "wash with 2×25ml 2M HCl", you should probably listen to the manual and do that. "Paul" and "Mike" didn't.. The resulting separating funnel–based explosion could be seen from space.

Fume hood

Do bear in mind that the entire fume hood looked like the above picture, but "Paul" and "Mike" are both men of short stature and so couldnt reach the roof to clean it.

Returning to what ferrocene should look like.. See those lovely orange crystals I showed you above? (Which were infact prepared by a master chemist..)

This is what "Paul" and "Mike" managed to salvage from their experiment:

Nice Work Boys!

Edit: Have since been informed by Jon Rourke that this blue stuff is Ferrocinium! So that's a positive result. Har har.

January 27, 2006

Bring Me My Nobel Prize

As everyone knows, biscuits are the best thing about the world. Never mind the usual crap about family, friends, love, human endeavour. Eventually, it all boils down to biscuits.

Unfortunately, the world is not a perfect place. Lots of bad things happen. For example, when you drive too far past the car park ticket machine and you have to open the door to reach the scanner. Terrible.

And so, because of this Bad world/Good biscuits relationship, biscuit based crime is inevitable. It is a fact of life that if you leave biscuits in the open, they will disappear quickly. Those responsible are known, in the eyes of the law, as Biscuitfiends. (fig 1)

Figure 1. This man is stealing your biscuits.

It is common knowledge that Biscuitfiends tend to find biscuits via radar. Searching the murky green screen for a cylindrical blip, or a tin-shaped anomaly.

It was this that led me to create the Stealth Biscuit Cover (SBC) out of an old DeLorean and a pen holder. Its use is shown below.

Unprotected Biscuits
A packet of unprotected biscuits. Just asking for it.

Protected Biscuits
The SBC prevents radar detection. The biscuits show up as a small blip which would normally be something like a mushroom or an especially large pea.

This forces the Biscuitfiend to hunt for your stash in person, where he can be easily subdued with a bat or rifle. If you do have to desert the packet, it's probably best to hide them like this:

Hidden Biscuits
Hidden Biscuits. The sign is for demonstration only. Dont actually point out your biscuits or the whole hiding process will be somewhat devalued.

I expect that my Nobel Prize for "The Development of Biscuit Preservation" will be in the post tomorrow. I'm too busy to collect it in person.

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  • I am your parent and you are not working hard !!! by Parent on this entry
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