All entries for Thursday 05 May 2005

May 05, 2005

The bastards are at it again

Writing about web page

They obviously haven't read my previous entry because they're apparently cranking up their campaign to have Top Gear replaced with "third gear". Hah! They should learn perhaps a basic fact about cars, that third gear is almost always less efficient than Top Gear. I have no problems with sticking with third gear - that'll take me well over 100 on any decent car anyway (even a lowly Honda NSX will hit 90 in second). And would you look at their alternative! I don't think I need to say anything else…

A selection of jokes

I needed this today. I came across these while browsing a forum I'm on. I've stuck them here for your amusement too. Apologies if they're not all properly typed in my usual manner, I just copy-pasted. Enjoy…


A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a computer engineer were driving through the desert and the car broke down.

The mechanical engineer says, "I think a rod broke."

The chemical engineer says, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think the engine is getting petrol."

The electrical engineer says, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system."

All three turned to the computer engineer and say, "What do you think?"

The computer engineer says, "I think we should all get out and get back in."


An English, Scots and Irish fella are on an SAS survival course learning about desert suvival.

They were all asked what one thing they'd take with them to help their suvival.

English fella, "I'd take a mirror, so I'd be able to signal passsing aircraft."

Scottish fella, "I think I'd take an old parachute, so I'd be able to shelter from the sun."

Irish fella, "I'd take a car door."

"Interesteing, some good answers there. Just one question. Why do you want a car door in the desert?"

"So if it got too hot I could wind the window down!"


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX) Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would then have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five per cent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single `This car has performed an illegal operation' warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask `Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbled hold of the radio antenna….
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the `Start' button to turn the engine off.


A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's illegal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "I just want to sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000, miles. Then you shouldn't have a problem selling your car."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About a month later, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."


An eskimo breaks down and calls the AA. The van arrives and the AA technician gets under the hood to have a look. After a while he looks up at the Eskimo and says "Looks like you've blown a seal, mate"
The Eskimo gets very flustered and shouts "No I haven't! I've just got a bit of frost on my lip!"


A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the
carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could s see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys
would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and
then today you expect me to show it to you!"


A seriously "minted" chap parked his Rolls Royce in a hotel car park one night. He was parked right beside a Mini. As he walked past the Mini, the roof flipped up and over and the Mini converted itself into a little bed, covered in a canopy. The rich guy was impressed and asked the Mini guy how he did that. So impressed was rich guy (and of course wanting to have something better than the Mini guy), he rushed over to the RR manufacturer the next day and DEMANDED that his RR was adapted as well. A few weeks later, he was scouring the town for the Mini so he could show off his recently converted RR (which came complete with awnings and patio area). He spied the Mini in a lay-by and approached on foot. When he got up to the car he could see the windows were all steamed up. He knocked on the window and some minutes later the owner opened the door looking very angry!! The RR guy says, "Ha! call your car a convertible, take a look at this" and proceeds to show off his RR/mobile home!!! The Mini guy takes one look and says "you mean you got me out of the shower to see that!!!"


the ferrari formula 1fired their entire pit crew yesterday.the announcment followed ferrari`s decision to take advantage of the u.k goverment`s youth opportunity scheme and employ some people from liverpool.

the desicion to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the liverpool area where able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas ferrari`s existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euro`s worth of hi-tech equipment.

prime minister tony blair went on record as saying that thas was a bold move by the ferrari managment which demonstrated the international recognition of the uk under new labour.

as most races are won and lost in the pits, ferrari thought they had the advantage over everey team. however, ferrari got more than they bargained for.

at the first practice session. the liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vechile to the mclaren team for 8 bottles of stella, a bottle of buckfast and some photos os montoya`s wife in the shower


tiger woods drives into a garage in the middle of nowhere to get some petrol.
As he pulls up in his new slk mercedes the owner an older gentlemen stands back an admires the car.
he tries to open the petrol cap but can't until tiger opens it with the remote.
then he looks inside and asks what all the controls are.
Tiger says "one is the sat nav so He knows where he is going".
"one is region climate control"
"1 adjusts my seat to my preset position"
the tank is full and the owner asks Tiger to pay.
As Tiger reaches into the glove compartment for his wallet. a pair of tees fall out

the owner asks "what they're for"
tiger replys "that they hold my balls when I'm driving"
the owner responds "God Mercedes think of everything"


One day a blonde girl from the suburbs wants to make some money. So she goes around the neighbourhood asking people if they would like something painted (like a balcony, a door etc.).
She comes across a guys house, rings and she's welcomed in. The guy tells her he would give her 100$ if she painted the porch.
The girl agrees and she's told there's enough paint in the garage for the job. After about ten minutes or so the guy's wife asks him if he thinks the blonde girl really understood that the porch runs around the house. The guy says he hadn't thought about it, so to make sure he goes outside to explain this. As he opens the door he sees the blonde girl standing in front of him. She says:
-Well I'm done, and because there was so much paint I gave it a double coating so I'd like my money.
The guy astonished by the speed of the operation takes 100$ from his pocket and pays the girl. As he's doing so the blonde says:
-But you know, it's not a 'Porch' it's a Mercedes!!!

Parting thought: On balance, I'd rather have a decent car than polar ice-caps

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