All 2 entries tagged Humour

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November 09, 2005

Very funny :)

FAMOUS PUTDOWNS

A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults.
– Louis Nizer

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
-Stephen Bishop

He is a self-made man & worships his creator.
– John Bright

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
– Winston Churchill

A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
– Winston Churchill

He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul.
– David Lloyd George

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.
– Moses Hadas

He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
– Samuel Johnson

He had delusions of adequacy.
– Walter Kerr

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
– Abraham Lincoln

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
– Groucho Marx

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
– Groucho Marx

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
– Oscar Wilde

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts…for support rather than illumination.
– Andrew Lang

Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.
– Samuel Johnson

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.
– Shakespeare


September 16, 2005

Very funny ;)

Writing about web page http://reefsuk.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=168&highlight=

(nicked of another web site)

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL
WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHTWELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER. MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A
WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID,
"GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.
I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE
TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY.

ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAYWE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM
FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF
MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKEFOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

AND I JUST SAT THERE

ON THE COUCH

NAKED.


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