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June 28, 2006

What a world Im leaving…

I finally had my last shift at Asda, was weird leaving the place for the last time. Got met by well–wishers when I started and a leaving present plus got a personal invitation to a celebration dinner from the GSM, which was nice. They claim they'll miss me, and are about the only ppl who have said they'll stay in touch. Guess I did never fit into the university class of people. Tomorrow they're taking me for a celebration/leaving do, which goes to show how much I was liked in the place… even if university students never saw me in the same light. Though I can say that its reported back to me that even one of the coldest people towards me was touched by the sentiments I displayed in a best wishes kinda letter. I know I have a tendency to upset ppl, and its mainly in my inherent ability to speak the truth as I see it. It feels weird that Im going home with no plans other than building a garage and shed before refitting the roof. Its also weird that so many people who I know dont like me will be dearly missed purely down to the fact I have no way to change their opinions of me now. I put a lot of my mistakes down to outside interference and to be honest Ive always had an excuse for things, but now Im finding your actions prove a lot about who you are. Id like to think Im a good person, and my lasting guilty conscience over several things in uni kinda shows that to me, coupled with my need to prove myself to others. But proving myself is one thing, I do it by asserting my beliefs and trying to show them in a good light, I guess the big problem is I'll never change who I fundamentally am. As one lecturer said to me, "Your too hard on yourself", and I guess I am but as a stride into the big wide world, I know I am satisfied with who I am and what Ive become. I think university has made me a stronger person, and despite the moralising and condemnation of myself in places in this blog I get to the point I was trying to make in the first place.

So long everybody, best of luck in the real world, its been a blast with ups and downs, but no doubt some great years, great memories and best of all great friends to share the times with. Everyone I know will do amazingly in the professional lifestyle, hard workers one and all and though I will never say goodbye, I bid adieu to friends, associates, workmates and all Warwick people alike who have made my time here special.

June 25, 2006

Memoire d'Universaire

Ok so Ive seen a few summary type things going round on blogs, and on mates websites so that they can show off their good behaviour (or not so good) while at uni. I'd always thought that mine would be my last blog ever. And it could prove to be. So heres a run down of facts and answers which may haunt or prove issues wrong when people think of University life, as created by me (well with a few stolen questions).

1. Course and Years of Study : Classical Civ – 3
2. No of jobs @ Uni : 1– Asda and summer @Threshers
3. Craziest moment of Uni : Theres so many to mention, being kicked outta halls while a few of the girls did knitting in the living room, randomly moving in with my housemates after a convo in the laundry, almost breaking in to JM while on a boozy stumbling round campus and how we gained access to a walk round Rootes.
4. No of fights : 0 though a number of instances where I shot my mouth of resulted in me having to talk my way out of them.
5. No of time throwing up (alcohol related) : that I can remember 4 but there are probably more.
6. Most drunk in a single sitting : 5 pints, 5 double whiskeys, 2 Sambucas, 2 Corkies, 3 bottles and 1 Cheeky Vimpto (dare I say and a partridge in a pear tree?)
7. No of relationships : 1
8. No of randoms pulled : 1
9. No of pulls (person known) : 6
10. No of ppl slept with : 1 and thats not the relationship one
11. How many close friends : 3
12. Favourite night spot : Either the Tav or Bar 44, though knowing the latter was a gay bar is worrying but the piano guy is awesome!!!
13. Favourite Club : Rios, without a doubt better than Mirage, cos its got less students and more ordinary ppl, 35 y/o single mums all the way baby!!!
14. Favourite night out : I think when as a flat in first year we went to Oxygen on a Fri night, I dunno why cos my flatmates hated me in the main, but it was really relaxed and fun.
15. Houseparties attended : 8
16. Best lecturer : Stan Ireland, not only a legend but a really down to earth and nice guy, plus he's northern though he is from Yorkshire … so disappointing to know, what you reckon Sir Stanley Ireland has a ring doesnt it? Should be in the next honours list, for services to Classics and Archaeology.
17. Best Field trip related day : Last day of the Archaeology dig this year, me and Ben Meunier filled in the trench after Final Fling and I was oh so hungover, but still made it … making the rating 2/34 from the class that turned up. Stan had chicken legs and Carling for the work force, boy did we feast.
18. Best moment of Uni : The bouncy castle party on 15th Oct at 22 Queensway, Hannah bounced into a bush after seeing my antics.
19. Worst Moment : Last day of December 2005, leading into 1st of Jan, see question 6 for my excuse but nothing other than stupity and idiocy can explain my actions.

and finally,
20. What will you take from the experience : I think that my giving up anythin illegal has changed me for the better, though some might disagree, Im much more laid back and less aggressive nowadays, but I let things slide too easily and I wish I didnt. If I take anything from University it will be that sincerity and honesty doesnt pay in the real world and my only hope is to be who I am and hope to find likeminded people to share the best times with.

And so concludes my University career and, unless somethin major occurs, my blogging pretensiousness. Wishing all who read this the best of luck in the real world and all the happiness that could be given to them

June 23, 2006

The End is nigh

Today was awesome, the careers service proving useful in the extreme, giving me tips on how to decide what Im gonna do next. Ok so the advisor probably didnt think much of me, turning up hung over and with a close–to–being broken nose (thanks to Mark and a bouncy castle). But it went well, good tips all round.

Called into work to cover illness and just about managed to sort the department into a reasonable order again. Which was good seeing as we have been 2 men down all week.

Then on to mirage. A few drinks in the J&J and then the avenue whilst having the added distractions of football and Deal or no Deal gambler was fun to the max. It was a house activity, but we still only won £2 so that went into the jukebox. Having a final night in mirage, being too hot and overcrowded was not the highlight. My whole night was in fact centred around one plan, to see the one person at uni that made it all worth while, but she wasnt there, so left early. Of all the people Ive met, there is one who I would class as ultimately special and worthy of my normal "Id die for her mentality". Just a shame all good things come to an end. But no reconciliation factor or divine intervention can save me from the ignomany of my own stupidity. What is done is done and thats it. The end of Uni, the end of an era, the end of the Student lifestyle and most importantly the end of the possibility to change what in my eyes is the greatest mistake Ive ever made.

June 10, 2006

"She turned away…

…wat was she looking at?" STP– a quality song on a romantic relation turned bad. Ah well, none of that lately really but im loving the song. Finally got paid, and the same day sorted out my monkey suit for the FF, not sure whether to sqwark like Pingu or to order a vodka martini (shaken not stirred). I hate suits, or more precisely I hate suits when Im in them. Not that I find the suit brigade annoying, I only bring the suit fact up if they annoy me, but really it was encapsulated by a comment by my dear friend chris while trying on the suit, "Dude, I never thought I see you in a suit." Yes and barring FF and my funeral hopefully nobody ever will again. FF scares me, I dont like large numbers of people and Im not alltogether happy bout wearing a suit, though possibly better than the kilt and crail jacket idea.

This is more drunken ramblings from a previously reformed character. obviously with England on a 2, the idea of goin to the pub for 12 was a good choice, decent seats etc. But the fact we had 2 pints and 2 bottles …. before kick off didnt much help. On reaching the end of uni Ive been in reflection mode. When you achieve as little as I do, its quickly apparent that it was a pointless exercise in jumping through hoops. Things as normal went wrong and who knew Id be in the state Im in now, coming into the final two weeks of uni… well I predicted it. Anyone close before uni would see it coming and anyone who knew me at uni is sure to see I have a self destruct mechanism. Well …. BOOM!!!! end of, game over, finito.

Anyone who is curious on the intro, and the song that its from, heres more…. n those not interested? tough I wanna write more lyrics neway!!!

"She was a sour girl that she met me, hey what are you looking at, she was a half the girl the day that she left me ….. she was a happy girl when she left me…." – I agree fully, Stone Temple Pilots, legends!!!

June 08, 2006

Had a nice day….

For those observant and faithful Bon Jovi fans you may see something in this title. Yes Jon was in Coventry tonight and yes we was there. I got voted as driver, replacing Tom as he still wasnt feeling too clever after sugar. I found out early on that the support happened to be a certain Chad Kroeger and band, Nickleback … or somethin like that :p They were awesome but cometh the hour cometh the man, the stadium tour for the Have a Nice day album by Bon Jovi. Words dont describe, for a commercial superstar he is still as great to his fans as he was back in the day. Loved every minute. Well impressed by the new stuff as well as having a great time with the old classics, one hell of a gig. Its one of lifes necessities to see Bon Jovi in concert and its well worth it. Even suffering from acute hayfever and apparently drugged up with some anti–hystomenes the guy still rocked the joint and the legends that are Mr Sambora and Tito are still kicking many an a$$ at his side. Plus the Ricoh arena is quite impressive but there is no doubt that JBJ is a new type of messiah figure, not literally but Im still in awe, what a voice, what a talent, and what loyalty to a fan base which includes fun for the whole family, 11/10.

"... n I walk these streets, a loaded six string on my back, Im playing for keeps cos I might not make it back.

June 03, 2006

Two outta three aint bad

As with most things, nothing ever is perfect. You lose things when you dont expect, you find others outta nowhere. I had my first 2 exams today outta the 3 that complete my degree, one being good and the other being mediocre. Maybe its just the way today has gone and the conversations that Ive had, but it seems like nothing really matters in terms of grades and exams, Ive done my best and no need to worry. Im finding that the more important things are my friends and how they are feeling about things. Its like a total U–turn in that I can no longer see myself as the main priority due to the fact Im so comfortable with failure. Ive determined what matters most to me, but that isnt necessarily what it should be, and in the main it certainly is what it cannot be. I know that whatever the degree I come out with I wont have truly made university worth while because it has had so many effects on my life that have been not necessary and could be considered as untoward. I hate myself for becoming what I always hated in other people. So I am boring and I am verging on academic, but does that make me a bad person? I wish more than anything that I could turn back the clock to a period which would allow me to make changes in my life and make me a person worth knowing again, even to the start of this year would be useful cos Ive upset so many people who were close friends at the beginning and now I dont know whether I even deserve them to be even at that level.

May 28, 2006

Impressions of Uni Life….

Why is it that seemingly the blatent theory of uni students is that they all get drunk, get into drugs and have an outstanding relationship with one night stands?

The getting drunk thing is easily answered. From turning 18, in most cases the year before Uni, there is a tendency to feel that one has to prove to peers that you can drink like a fish. Thus ending in lying in bushes outside rootes, or staggering home from the union to far flung westwood in an attempt to see that room that in reality you only left an hour ago… but due to several sambucas and a few pints for good measure is now calling, cutting an evening short. Boy do you feel special then?

The drugs again is fairly obvious, due to the new found wealth which comes to the fore in uni life, people for different walks adds to the general prospects for the ability to experiment. And I guess these two are both linked to my third point of an escape to the one night stand if you can walk as far as his/her room. What happens after? you see them in the union maybe once or twice, and get blanked so wheres the fun gone?

My point is that with the advent of a new year, we see more freshers looking for a party, and while stalwart finalists seem a distant memory the debauchary goes on. I feel sorry for the new freshers every year that Ive not been one. (ok only two years, but still there is a lesson here somewhere) We all feel relieved to leave family in some way, to gain that touch of independance we so desired. But at the end of it all what have we learned? Ive learned that Im turning out more like my dad everyday. Alcohol is a feasible solution to my troubles, smoking helps pass time and I have a contempt for most women that have past through my life. though I clarify the last sentiment with the fact it is out of due neglegence and stupity that this has come to fruition.

Ive had nights at uni when Im so drunk I cant remember, and I dont like drinking as much now, unless I need an escape. Drugs have been a part of my life since GCSEs and now Uni has shown me that I dont really need them. While the one night stand I had, although lovely and being one of those things I wouldnt change, has made me realise any more would be silly and I dont want to be in that sort of thing again, I may not seem it but I am a more romantic and caring person than given credit…. I dont need the easy release, Im in for the long haul, if Im in at all. From Uni the main thing that Ive learnt is that I hate the stereotypes, I hate the person I was when I arrived, but Im a lot more comfortable with who I am now. Maybe that is why the stereotyped student is important, it gives people something to expect and if anything learn from and get away from if, in my view, they are wise.

May 24, 2006

And now for something completely familiar….

Surprisingly managed to copius amounts of revision this morning. But the only reason I went to campus was to see an old flatmate after her exams. Thats when it suddenly hit me. After spending so much time with her and her mates, who I previously recognised as mine too, I felt somehow uneasy. There was the aspect of the most expensive habit known to man being only a few yards away; the whole era of my life I tried to forget; and the agony of walking away. But it occurred to me the reason I am who I am now, is due to abstinence. Im now a social reject from this group cos Im not involved with the scene anymore, and Im a social reject from the "norm" cos I never was part of it, nor do I have the desire to conform. Warwick has the most polarised society I have ever known. If your in the right places you get to know the underground people and your remain with that, but there is also the other side that your never truly accepted by the many religious types who seem to frequent areas of campus. Im starting to feel that everything good that has happened to me during uni has been messed up by my own inability to mould. Call it a learning curve, one that will make you a better person. Hell the affects of abstinence are there, but all the same… Im just boring and a has–been who never really gains the faith. Ive messed up my whole university career and lets be honest I wish I never came. Ive not lost my trademark passion or heart–on–sleeve mentality, its just I now keep quiet on all issues. At uni I found myself speaking only when spoken to, and at home Ive started to be like that too. My only problem now is I cant deal with myself. I havent felt this way in so long I dont know what to do, Ive broken out the booze and I feel that maybe of aggression therapy being induced may help but nothing to punch anymore, the house is so shoddy Id put a fist through most things. I just wanna get out, University is like a prison and my life sentance which it has become has no bounds, it will continue on the outside.

"Sick of this life,

not that you care,

Im not the only one with who these feelings I share,

Nobody understands what while we're here,

Searching for answers that never appear.

May 23, 2006

Women's underwear …. why me?

Ok it maybe tuesday, but this occurred to me at work (Asda) on Sunday…. Im slow, ok!!! It seems certain things seem to be left on my department (booze) depending on the day. The funniest and possibly most unholy item you can think of for the sabbath seems to turn up every week, and that is the bra and panties set!!!! Women's lingerie scares me, well when it is not worn by a woman, for one main reason. Come sunday, come the invasion on booze of items of womans wear that you really dont want to have to take back to the correct department. Im on my own on Sundays, perhaps the second busiest day of the week so lots of people around, and how is my day ruined every week? By the appearance of something a red–blooded–early–twentys–year–old male doesnt want to be carrying round a packed supermarket. Picture the scene…. me walking all the way to the other end of the store carrying a bra (38 D… if your interested :p) back to the george desk, through reams of customers giving me funny looks, and when getting there, there just so happened to be 5 collegues (all women) waiting for the jokes to crack at me. "Doesnt seem to be your size!", "Not really your colour", "Id like to see you get in that", and "The changing rooms are over there…" Now this seems bad enough but considering the age band of those working there…. one 19yo and the rest over 40, it was a little uncomfortable, the situation not the bra :S ….. all I can say is what is it with women leaving things like that lying round. Its like they see a young guy and think "I know how we can annoy the hell outta him…" The worst comments came when I was leaving, im sure that the cartoon was called Betty Boop (the character on the afore mentioned item), but one of the 40–somethings insisted it was Betty BOOB!!!! Come on now ladies, try to embarrass me some more!!! I know how Joseph felt being thrown to the lions, at least they refused to eat him. I was chowed up and spat back out. Although I am much more confident nowadays there was still that underlying cringe factor at these events, and Roz's classic response as I walked back to down the store, "What was it this week, Bra or Knickers?" …. somehow I couldnt help but smile but in a kinda disturbed and shocked sense, if I was innocent… that would be my innocence lost right there!!! :p

May 19, 2006

Remember your a womble…

Ah with every passing day it gets closer to exams, and the question of jobs comes up. I can never see where Im going, til I get there then I dont wanna be there anymore. But been thinking there is always the potential to be a rubbish collector, though I cant see myself being like the amiable hairy guys from Wimbledon Common. I got the big nose if that helps, but no uncle Bulgaria in sight, so even on that score I fail.

Revision is seemingly taking over the time that Im not drinking to excess, or sleeping. Been out 3 times this week with the Asda lads. Cracking Euro Cup final, all the more exciting added to events of later on that night. Those boys can really drink so it was amusing keeping up and still being the more sober. Also, Ste threw up for the first time in his life from alcohol related intake. Then proceeded to punch me…. perhaps the most amusing thing was walking home with Big T (aptly named as he's bout 18 stone), supporting him was a task in itself. But I got my own back when I floored him whilst getting him in a headlock. The fact me and DP were the soberist and last men standing by the time we reached Zachariah's was the funniest thing ever, with both of us put together just about weighing in at the same as T on his own. Laughable, but disturbing that the heavyweight drinkers got knocked out first.

Oh and then there was the Leamington FC vs Barwell Cup Final. Interesting to watch a grass roots game again. Amusing chants going on, mainly aimed directly at the Barwell fans/players …. "Your just a bus stop in Hinkley" and "He's fat, He's Bent, His house is up for rent … Number Nine…" to name just two. Shame bout the score, but the Brakes were robbed … afore mentioned number nine getting awarded a 9.8 for his acrobatic swan dive from the Ref, from Hinkley, if you follow the connection. 3–1 was disappointing but reasonable even if Leam did start to come back into it and couldve done more.

One of these days Ill finish reading Apuleius but til that day I struggle on and live in the vain hope I may grow hair all over and become lovable, so that the option of working for the Wombles comes to fruition.

May 12, 2006

How'd do I look?

On reflection of one of those days, it seems that the majority base their entire judgements on appearance. The simple lads convo of "wow, she's fit…" – yeh but what if she's a head case? The same is true of women. Having just sat thro "Chantelles dream dates", cos it was on and I lost control of the remote … the opinion was that every man could be attractive if he has the right clothes. How does this work? Ive always been told I look like a punk whatever I wear, hence why recently Ive been trying to get away from a stereo–typed image. Maybe I dont wear the right stuff? who knows, but I think there is somethin more sinister at work. Im thinking more the fact personally I hit self pity too easily. Or do the wrong things, but I think personality is fundamentally ingrained from birth and nobody changes that much. I can honestly say that it worries me the fact that people are orientated like this, cos if it was a style competition … Id lose. Then again at some points I think in a personality competition again… Id lose. But at least I can blame my parents for my looks, the problem with a styling issue is that its down to me, and god knows I should sack my stylist. Obviously not everyone conforms to these dimensions of fussiness but is it not a shame that personality seems to be majorly overlooked? I say an honest and sweet personality is much more useful than the whole armani jeans and versace tops. This is not a bitter claim because as Ive stated basing on personality I fail also, but its just a thought which has become extravagantly obvious from some of the convo's I've had today.

May 09, 2006

Count to three …. come out fighting….

In recent years Ive had alcohol problems, drug problems and more importantly aggression problems. Controlling someone who is as passionate as I can be is a difficult step. But the feeling Id tamed the beast is starting to slip away. Ive been dealing with troubles by phasing them out slowly, not being quick to react. But I feel like a coiled spring, like tension is building and sometime soon Im gonna fly off. Pressure is being placed on me from several sides and sources, and yet Ive absorbed it. Witnessing people talking about others behind there backs has been synonymous with the Warwick experience. But ive always had a gift for seeing the same thing directed at me. How far do you take it? OK theres like 2 months left of Uni and antagonising isnt cool so close to exams, but if I blow up who will be there to stop me? Ive met several people at Uni that seem to think Im a push over. But others have realised in the truest sense that when I get pushed onto the ledge I'll stop the decline until I reach the edge. But once that edge comes gapping into view, game over. My main reason for drinking less is well known, but there is the aspect that my self restraint could be in jeopardy if I do get wasted. I reach out for alternatives…. none come forth, Im off drugs… not that they helped, Ive been tempted to go for a high speed drive just to be silly, the urge to motion a pen into my head is so tempting when the tedium of revision is in flight. I cant say Im deeply unhappy cos Im not, I just need that tension to up and leave and without causing difficulties, or tears, again. The irony of the song now playing on the auld ipod, "Hello darkness my old friend…. silence like a cancer grows…."

The end of it all ebbs ever closer, but the goal is not to rise to it, but something needs to give …. any tips on staying cool?

May 06, 2006

Everyone gives in once in a while….

After working at Asda for 2 years, its surprising that I went to sainsburys shopping yesterday. I realise it seems a bit weird judging I get a 10% discount, but its always nice to have a bit of a change. Although spending double what I normally do, I did find a lot of intriguing new stuff which I havent seen in Asda for a while. Normally the stuff lasts longer as well, better suppliers…. but some of the extra cos went on Pearl Jam self titled, which Ive been listening to solidly whilst revising. It occurred to me that in most of the reviews they suggest that its typical PJ, that they havent moved on from the grunge style that came before Nirvana's rise and revolution, but I feel a more calmed sense within the music. Life Wasted is particularly interesting on this theory, has more a feel of BRMC, but still a quality track. It also seems ironic that it was in my change of shopping habits that forced, or allowed, the purchase. Maybe I find change in the most easy circumstance. Though recently I have felt an air of change in most things, I some how sense a culmination which will be big. Not quite sure from whence it will come as of yet, but I welcome it with open arms.

May 02, 2006

Media Shuffle

Go to your music player, set it to shuffle/random, and answer the
following questions with the title of the FIRST song that you skip
to each time. No cheating!

If you reached the top of Mount Everest, you would scream:
Sweet Home Chicago

The next time you stand up in front of a group of people, you'll say:
My Sharona

Your favorite thing to say when drunk is:
Enter Sandman

Your message to the world:
Sex Sux

Your deepest secret:
Sympathy for the Devil

Your innermost desire:
Siente Mi Amor

Your oldest memory makes you think:
Heaven Beside You

Somewhere in your wedding vows, you'll include:
Fall to Pieces

On your deathbed, you'll whisper:
Happy Break Up Song

Your friends say behind your back:
Her Ghost in the Fog

You say behind your friends' back:
Sweet Transvestite

Your opinion of MySpace:
Flower of Carnage

When you wake up in the morning, you mutter:
5000 ways to Die

If you found yourself lost on a desert island, you'd yell:
About a Girl

Right now, your feelings are:
Half the Man I Used to be

What's your excuse for reposting this bulletin?:
Hell Yes

Your life's soundtrack:
I Aint no Nice Guy (after all)

April 29, 2006

Queue for FF tickets

The only major university event that Im going to go to and I think the queue was handled quite well, it put evolve nights to shame, the organisation was decent and it moved quickly. My worst concern is that though getting a substancial amount of core text read whilst in the queue 10–1, it moved so well that I didnt finish it, and now I have no motivation to read more. Atleast I had nothing to do while waiting and I could concentrate, in the main, on what needed to be done. So starting selling them at 12 whilst nice on the whole boredom system did not do wonders for my revision or not as much as it could have had they opened at 2. Ha, thats a students perrogative, complain bout queues being too long/slow and finding fault with the whole short–ish, well organised one too. It was good fun too, being with friends and chatting randomly, seems like ages since that kind of opportunity presented itself. Though still not convinced FF is the event for me, I look forward in anticipation for the different kind of scenery, and better still Ive decided Im staying sober and getting a digital camera, I will be the opportunist who catches the stupid poses of everyone around, and cap university off with lots of lasting and printed memories.

When does today become tomorrow (aka where did it all go wrong)

Just curious on opinions, its now past midnight, so does that count as tomorrow yet? or do u have to sleep first? I promised myself that fri was going to be a good day… in general it was. But also said I wouldnt let things get me down, so Im desperate for it to hit sat in the technical its tomorrow sense so I can ease my put on relief and joy. Ive too much on my mind to actually be happy anymore. The fact nobody around seems to be bothered bout much further than themselves, ok on a few occassions I may have broken this – but I tend to pride myself on being reliable, helpful, generous and respectful to those around me…. archaic values or what? why is it that so many people, especially uni students seem so caught in their own self worth that nobody else matters?

One thing that came randomly into my mind when I was being kept awake last night, was where exactly is it that people want you to go? you try to be open and friendly, and get kicked back…. get a bit sullen and withdrawn it gets worse… you cant win. On the aspect of reviewing decisions, I looked back on different ways I treated people in the past. Certain things changed as I learnt from experience, but it came back to the same motive… wrong people wrong time. I paraphase thusly, Certain people want all the attention, others want none, there seems to be no middling ground, cos whatever you seem to call middle ground is regarded as too much or too little for some people. If i do something too much, Im caned for being OTT but if not Im caned for not being outward/attentive enough. Maybe I just dont recognise anything but the polar. One thing Ive learnt of late is that no matter how hard you try to run away from it, cater for other peoples wants, change fundamentally who you are, you cant escape who you are deep inside, or what your past held. Staying true to yourself is the key, no matter how others try to break you, or how hard they push to get a rise outta you, you win if you stay in tact.

"Give me the strength to wonder, to wonder if Im free, give me the strength to wonder, to wonder what I can be…. give me the strength to hold my head up, n spit back in their face."

April 22, 2006

A house doesnt always make a home….

I believe for a general studies resit I wrote an essay on what would be my ideal home, which went on a tangent to explain that what they expected would be I want a mansion in the California sun strip, but a home is much more than bricks and mortar… in fact that is just the house. And yes there is a difference. I count a home as a place that you are wanted, where you feel accepted and where you dont prefer to hide away in order not to annoy the hell outta someone. So on that score, I think maybe there are few times during uni that Ive felt at home.

Maybe some people would point out the fact that it doesnt help alienating oneself in that position. Or maybe due to visiting parents in the holidays, Im home sick…. I doubt it, Ive not lived at home now for 4 yrs, and although a nice change I dont feel truly in my place, though I do enjoy staying, its more a holiday.

Ive never been one to invade other peoples privacy and if that gets to the levels that I feel that Im really not wanted around certain bodies, I will make myself scarce. Its one of my many talents that I can pick up vibes and respect the fact that my presence isnt on the agenda. So I walk off…. creating depression? No far from it. It makes me even more certain that I have a better view of things than some I dont care to mention, and that me having problems with people are usually completely open, if they originate from something I dont like. I could be confrontational. I could be angry, but to be honest Im just not that way inclined anymore. People can get on with their own things, if they dont get in my way. I say whatever, Im the happiest Ive been in I dont know how many years, Im guessing since the 16th July 1998, random date I know but reasons. And believe me, no1 is gonna change that.

April 20, 2006

The good ol' days of summer

Well summer might not be here, but I had one of those nights that reminded me of first year last night. Maybe cos I was out with a first year friend Ive not seen in ages, or maybe because nothing seemed to have changed at all since first year. Carefree, careless and damn good fun. Ahhhh the blissful innuendos!!! And the undertones of something more going on, that everyone seemed to know about, and yet was still concealed. Its always good to chill out, and with the right people it makes your troubles slip slide away…. ok there were some heated conversations, awkward moments and questions, but who cares…. My theory is that you only live once, take the rough with the smooth and things will just be peachy. And all this after just one pint of guiness I hear you say!!! Yes!!! No longer is alcohol the be all and end all of my night, lessons learnt! I rarely stay sober when I go out like that but, I see the advantages, no mess to clear up after knocking half my room onto the floor, no stupid actions/texts… Im liking the whole drink sensibly thing, its a new concept for me, but one thats seeming awesome….

April 15, 2006

A top philosophy to live by…

There maybe a big philosophical debate about the best ways to live, religious views taken into account the soundest advice I have ever heard, which can be understood by everyman, and not necessarily dependant on the actual success or goodness behind your own personal life,

"A man who wants nothing …. is invincible."

I see this as so true to life it really is scary, Ive found nothing more real, it fits with the principle that "you have nothing to lose" in that if you have nothing or require nothing, what more can you need. Call me a communist, but I truly am starting to believe that the small things in life, like family, are what forms true happiness, and therefore, I can say with all honesty that I am happy, I require nothing, therefore feel invincible.

"What do you want from life?"

disclaimer : ok the film buffs out there will recognise these points, but for me they are inherent perfection to the critical moment of life such as it is at present.

April 12, 2006

What women want?

After using blogs as pretty much as a public diary, thought I'd have a bit of a rant and add some controversy. For the feminists among you, and people who thought this is a film review, turn off now….

As once stated by Billy Joe Armstrong and Mike Dirnt, "Nice guys finish last" and this IS true. Ive seen friends who are the nicest guys on earth being single for years, while all those who maybe I shouldnt call friends that are heavily into the sins of life flit between girls like they are reading a book, page after page turns. I think there is a reason for this, the bad boy image is so much more attractive to women. There are those who Ive seen go against this, but in the main, its fairly set. I mention know names, but there are friends who have the worst possible person hygene, who can actually make you want to throw up just being in their smell zone, who somehow manage to hide the fact from the fairer sex. Or those who are blattent polygamists (probably spelt wrong) but every1 is interested cos they have so much confidence in themselves. I dont claim to be a nice guy, though Im not as vendictive and manipulating as some Ive met. Even some women are manipulating, Ive lost friends by speaking out about this but I dont see that there is much good to be obtained from this. Experience makes you wise, and one thing that is blattant is that if its a straight choice between the nice guy, and the not so nice, its always the latter. Maybe its cos Im a traditionalist, I dont see the merits of the bed-hopping student type. Not that its confined to students, but seems to be prevalent in some circles. Im led to believe that at a certain age, women change their minds on what they want, ok so Ive had this pain bugging me to meet her, but really Im not interested cos she fits the bed-hopping variety. When in scotland there was a great looking girl who was hanging round a bit, but she was heavily into drugs, and thats when I lost interest. Maybe its a gender thing, or a preference thing, but why is it that bad girls or guys do it for some ppl, while everyone else is left hanging. I think its a confidence thing, when I was back in that scene I had no fears, no worries, just a relaxed air, but now its like I have so much more to consider. Maybe its from growing up too. I can honestly say that I know exactly what I want in woman, but I have a feeling that women are never 100% sure, just watch jeremy kyle to see how uncertain women are, or so devoted to the bad boy that they are willing to cry their eyes out after a beating, and even expect it. Its not worth being a bad boy and beating ppl up just to get women, that would be a catastrophe and in some ways, being a nice guy turns to catastrophe… Your damned if you do, damned if you dont. What women want? Damned if I know, maybe some are damned if they know themselves?