December 28, 2004

A simple guide to keeping Hamsters

I've decide to take a break from my silly entries, there are far too many about from the likes of Sam Boulby and others, so today I bring to you the ultimate simple guide to keeping and caring for a hamster, the UK's most ferocious pet.

I'm sure you are aware most people keep their hamsters in cages, this is essential, allowing a hamster to roam free could have devasting repercussions especially if you also keep children, if the two ever come into contact there would be a huge explosion, so keep it caged, the smaller the cage the better as hamsters are agrophobic creatures that hate having to move. Do NOT buy them a wheel for their cage, this will aggravate him as, contrary to popular belief, he prefers to sit around sleeping.

The next important point about keeping a hamster is food, all hamsters love indian food. They are particularly fond of a good curry, the spicier the better. Make sure to regularly keep his food bowl topped up with culinary delights such as onion bhajis, vegetable samosas, popadoms and naan breads. Don't forget to occasionally treat him with a red hot madrass once in a while to show him you really do care. Hamsters also need liquid as well as food, a nice white wine to complement the chosen curry should be placed in a feeding bottle and hung in the cage. It's is also a good idea to leave any food supplies in sight of the cage because they love the challenge of trying to squeeze through their cage's bars to reach it.

Once your pet hamster has settled into his cage and new routine you will probably be eager to hold and pet your hamster, afterall what are pets for if not to pet them? Always hold your hamster with a very tight grip as this does wonders for his little muscles which get tense from all the sleeping he does, they enjoy a small amount of pummeling to relieve this tension. When holding your hamster make sure to be standing and hold him at head level, should you drop him (as you are supposed to once in a while) he will have time to reach terminal velocity and open up his tiny parachute.

Now there are going to be times when your hamster may escape your loving grip and run off in search of a, more loving, tighter grip. The first cause of action should your hamster escape is not to panic, take a deep breath, go and have a coffee to calm down. Whatever you do, do not attempt to catch him, it's a waste of time, the hamster is a very clever creature and will return to his beloved cage when he's ready, don't forget to leave small challenges for him to overcome on his way back, for instance a lovely cat for him avoid being eaten by, as I said before, Hamsters love a life-threatening challenge.

If you follow these simple steps then you and your hamster should enjoy a happy life together, but there will become a time when your hamster turns against you, he will decide he no longer values your friendship and that it's time for him to move on to a better place, the little bugger will wait until you are watching him or playing with him and suddenly drop dead. This is perfectly normal behaviour, it isn't your fault, you aren't a boring sod and didn't make his life not worth living. The best course of action should this occur is to dispose of him under the bonnet of one of your less favoured neighbour's car who will appreciate the luscious aroamer of his rotting corpse. Once disposed of you can purchase another hamster and so the cycle continues.

That's it folks, all you need to know about hamster care, sorry to be serious but I felt there are too many hamsters who are being looked after incorrectly, don't worry though, this is my serious entry for the month, the funny will return tomorrow.

- 6 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

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  1. My hamster died on The Comic Relief 'Pet Nose Day' it was highly amusing in a tragic sort of way.

    28 Dec 2004, 22:13

  2. I prefer to keep the children in cages and let the hamsters run free

    28 Dec 2004, 23:05

  3. Well as long as you don't let the two cross paths it's alright although you are neglecting the hamsters problem with agrophobia by letting it roam free.

    29 Dec 2004, 00:02

  4. Ye gods, doesn't this guy give up?

    29 Dec 2004, 17:45

  5. I have gay reasons why I dont want to be a christian, I don't hate them all though. I wouldn't mind a proper discussion about gays and christianity, I spent a long time trying to find out if there is a place for us in it, it doesn't seem like there is. You cant be a christian and be actively gay, thats how it seems anyway, so I would have to give up being who I am happy being, for a life of celebacy and hating myself for my own thoughts about guys. Doesn't sound so great to me, you may claim that god will make me straight but there hasnt been much evidence of this in the past, you just have to become so deluded that you think you love women.
    I know it's your right to be anonymous but why are you excersising the right? Are you ashamed of who you are? Are you afraid of something?

    29 Dec 2004, 18:52

  6. You're affraid of Asda? Don't blame you really, it's a big scary place.

    01 Jan 2005, 04:07

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