May 15, 2005

Sex (hee hee) and the mind attached

OPINION 4: Sex. lol.

Or: "If only I could be an asshole"

This is my first publicly viewable DPOH post – feel honoured now, because by the time you reach the bottom you may not be in the mood.

Dear beige box,

It's Summer time. And apparantly we have women, we have women on our minds. Or men, presumably. Or both or neither, I didn't write the song. Either way, it's all a bit strange.

Why is everyone doing this….?

Sex -> Start of Relationship -> Sex -> End of Relationship -> Sex

While I've been doing this….?

Hello -> Learn each others names -> Know something about each other -> 'Date' -> Start of Relationship -> Sex -> Extreme, unsolvable problems -> End of Relationship -> No Sex

Am I just the model of inefficiency? I'm thinking that Sex is different for every person. I don't just mean the act, I mean the definition of what's involved in the whole process, and its meaning. As a scientist maybe this is what's confusing me – I need a manual or something. Okay, laugh if you will (you will), but what is it about relationships with women that seem to make relationships with men look simple (entirely from a man's point of view)? No really, I am actually asking. Anyone who would answer would be female… and I can't trust them because they've been lying about the whole thing to spare my feelings or preserve some child-like naiivity – the stem of the whole confusing issue in the first place. I don't need to be treated like a child… frankly I think they just don't want to let me into their stupid private club1.

Maybe it's an experience thing – like learning to ski. Frankly, I shouldn't be riding on the diamond slopes when I'm still getting to grips with staying on the t-bars. Not that it's not good for all concerned. Mostly. But disappointing someone who has predictions and routine is a terrible feeling. Here's me wandering in with thoughts of "spontaneity" and "open sexual practices" and "honesty", and certain people (let's call them "SOME women" as to not offend anyone) come in to the mix and fuck it all up by trying really hard not to hurt my feelings by not saying what they want or why (I am venturing outside of sex for that sentence, please try to keep up). Cosmo, the Internet and their friends can tell them what to do about the whole thing – which sort of defeats the whole "relationship" thing doesn't it?

I suppose I'd have to be in a few more relationships to take decent cross-section. Maybe I've just been very unlucky.

It could be a power thing. Let's categorise every female in the same way, to make things easier. Females like to be socially dominant, and sexually submissive. Exceptions include some bisexual and lesbian women, women with too low intelligence to hold a conversation (mostly found in American Teen movies), women who act weak to attract assholes (also in teen movies), and Dominatricies2.

Power play is an interesting psychological concept, especially when you throw it onto something as complicated (yet apparantly simple) as sex. A lot of women like to feel submissive to a man in a sexual relationship, which is why assholes and girls tend to mix well sexually, and nice guys get to listen to the women complain about them being assholes.

The social dominance in a relationship isn't a "problem with women"... there is no actual "problem with women"... it's a problem with mankind. "I want x and I want it now" syndrome. It's a two-way relationship, but it's just more two-way on my side because I don't want to sacrifice anything for mutual benefit. What is all this "cutting off sex" and "controlling your man" and "I'll walk over them if they let me" shite? If you don't want sex, don't have it. But don't deliberately deny it to spite or control your partner, that's just sick! It's a mutual thing isn't it? And don't turn around and say "they let me walk all over them"... that's like saying "he let me stab him, officer, didn't fight back once!".

Not that I don't mind being controlled per se3, it's the presumption that worries me. How can you have a relationship with someone if they don't even have the respect for you to treat you like a human?
When you respect each other, and are ready to exchange the "fight for power" with give and take… THEN you can have a relationship, as far as I'm concerned. You can dump all the power struggle sexual practice im-a-woman-you're-in-charge crap on top of that if you want to. Just build it on a foundation of respect and honesty, it's really not that difficult I'm sure.

But then… if I'm the only one thinking this way, then what's the point in wanting relationships anyway? Screw it, I'll have a cup of tea and watch episodes of Futurama instead. At least until I get a Plan B.


Practical solutions… hmmn. All I need to do is wait for someone a bit like me, who really doesn't care about the manual instructions, as long as it's good (and fun) in the end. Relationships are two-way mutual connections – to have fun together. Laugh, play, sleep, and.. if time permits.. sex whenever compatible and enjoyable, without resentment. I'll wait for that sort of relationship.

21 years and counting, I'll keep you updated.

1 Beware: Use of irony, satire and sarcasm throughout post.
2 I'm assuming it declines like "matrix".
3 On this point I'm fairly alone, but try to stay with it.

- 2 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

  1. A plethora of truisms. I tend not to worry about the normative power of convention; i.e why worry about the cosmo-esque rhetoric of femaninity. Equally don't gauge yourself, others or Rich's mum by 'convention', all is not 'is' and 'is not'. Throw some pastry, spatulas and sweden into the mixture and most of the people who don't subscribe to the socially dominant female and asshole male will align much better; find the same interests, reject the 'popular'- i.e. lowest common denominator stance and the human population starts to seem less bleak.
    This was brought to you by Dr Lego's Salad and Biscuit Corp.

    15 May 2005, 18:42

  2. Your ideas enthrall me, and I'd like to subscribe to your newsletter.

    15 May 2005, 21:18

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