Playing with Rhythm
Another play with rhythm, with an obviously rhythmic subject.
..........
Rise in me
and fall in me
pressing me
and following.
Breath full throat
and gasps on skin
sweating out
for gulping in.
Rise in me
and fall in me
racing heartbeats
for their peaks
squeezing down
into the sheets
pupils fat
with body things
limbing round
and stammering.
Sings in the throes, and he noses her hollow throat bones so long in the echoes of collapse.
28 Mar 2008 17:18
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Tags: Creative Poem Poetry Writing
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Hey, Charles. In the best ‘you-comment-on-my-poem-I’ll-comment-on-yours’ tradition, I noticed you’d put some new stuff up. This is interesting to me…well, obviously first of all because I’m a man, etc, etc…but secondly because you’re taking such an uncontrolled theme and using it to work rhythm and structure…which I think helps it a lot because it means your sex poem isn’t just, to excuse the expression, splurging. ‘Body things’ is nice and…well, protoplasmic, I guess, but in a nice visceral way. The last line I’m not so keen on, cause I reckon the tight structure really keeps all your verbage of thrust and motion taut and together…and then suddenly at the end you let go and the final line (including ‘noses her throat bones’ incidentally which I think is great) just bursts. Subjective…but mebbe helpful to you. Hope things are fine in Devon (or Dorset? which wind-swept county is it again?) x
29 Mar 2008, 16:26
charlie jones
Devon, and theres nothing out there but a hurricane….I agree that the last line does ‘let go’ and ‘bursts’ but I will blushingly own that it was meant to be climactic in more ways than one. Can’t control the uncontrolled theme forever! Perhaps if I include it though, I ought to be diplomatic, and make the entire poem longer. xxx
29 Mar 2008, 18:09
Much as I like the ryhthm, I think perhaps it would work better with breif gasps of chaos breaking out of the tight form and then reigned back in – a sort of hopeless collapse. Or something.
Your blog is very white.
30 Mar 2008, 12:13
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