A poem about an obsession: first draft, 31/01/08, cjones the blog

January 31, 2008

ATLAS

You cannot solve the world

and she cannot solve your thought.

The horizon hatches in you

low and dark

and her fingers up and down your spine

are as altering

as the grass heads

to the wind.

She tenses for both of you

and watches you bear the earth.

Cowed and loving,

heart gripped and furrowed.

Mute in the audience

of your frown.

Really loved the last four lines; I thought they built fantastically. Was the line-break difference for the first few lines deliberate? It threw me off a bit for the opening…I normally end up putting everything in Div because the line gaps the blogs give you really seem to mess around with some poems. Here I thought it worked well, though: nice breathing space between the lines etc…
Jon

31 Jan 2008, 15:53

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Charlie! you filthy filthy girl! Still, all this is very amazing. well done :) didn't see you over e… by Adam on this entry
Much as I like the ryhthm, I think perhaps it would work better with breif gasps of chaos breaking o… by on this entry
Devon, and theres nothing out there but a hurricane….I agree that the last line does 'let go' and … by charlie jones on this entry
Hey, Charles. In the best 'you–comment–on–my–poem–I'll–comment–on–yours' tradition, I noticed you'd … by on this entry
Really loved the last four lines; I thought they built fantastically. Was the line–break difference … by on this entry

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