“When He comes, you must follow”. No, not a passage from the Book of Job, but rather a mantra for the St. Obama worshippers who have led the affable spinster to global stardom and, to a lesser extent, U.S. presidency. This week, His Highness has turned his Messianic brow, his fiery speech and his $10 haircut to Chinese human rights, a topic so controversial it’s actually gone full circle and become versial.
"We do not seek to impose any system of government on any other nation” Obama winked as he moved a handful of blue horsemen to a section marked ‘Middle East’ on a Risk board, “But we also don't believe that the principles we stand for are unique to our nation".
Considering these fluffy statements were actually last practiced by the U.S. back in Independence Day, 1776, some of the less Enlightened men of the Obama cult might be questioning America’s – and perhaps even His – dignity.
St. Obama went on to say that freedom of information - including open access to the internet - was important.
"That makes our democracy stronger because it forces me to hear opinions that I don't want to hear - it forces me to examine what I'm doing," he murmured, scrolling through his Facebook feed and clicking ‘Hide’ upon reading statuses to the tune of ‘down with healthcare’ and ‘democrats suk’. Maybe open access to the internet does make American democracy stronger, although on the other hand it’s probably weakened by the intense party rivalry between the Republicans and the Democrats – parties who can’t agree on healthcare, the economy, what to do about Iraq or who ate the last fun-size Snickers at the bi-weekly White House sleepover (the Niner thinks it was Sarah Palin, but apparently she wasn’t invited this time round).
Still, the BBC was at hand to make sense of His perplexing, probably-too-highbrow-for-us statements. Shanghai Correspondent Chris Hogg, a man whose job title sounds like the latest Eddie Murphy + Jackie Chan movie, was altogether baffled by the Big O’s performance. “He praised his hosts but, using the language of diplomacy, he also talked about rights and freedom” said Hogg repeatedly, his eyes growing wider and wider as he realised the true brilliance of this Machiavellian ploy.
“The US ambassador to China read out an internet user's question about freedom of expression on the internet. The president's response? The US and China have "different traditions"”. Presumably, what he means is that one nation has an unfair, cult-based system of leadership, whilst the other...oh. Maybe His Highness and China do have a lot in common after all.