All entries for Wednesday 26 January 2005
January 26, 2005
Welcome to the new Christopher Union blog. We look forward to recruiting many new members during our final months. Are you an impressionable young Christopher frightened by people with other names? Want to meet others like yourself? Christopher Union is a student led group of Christophers who offer immaturity, confusion and perhaps an early death. We offer the key to engaging your inner comptons and ask for nothing in return except
large non-tax-deductible wads of cash.
Some people believe the name Christopher no longer has any relevance in the modern world but Christopher Union now has over 10 members worldwide. Can all those people really be wrong?
If you would like to know more about what we believe as Christophers please come along to one of our events where there are always opportunities to ask questions. We would love to meet you in person and would be thrilled if you brought lager.
A Brief History
Christopher Union dates back to 1366, when a worker named Christopher in the Den Hoorn brewery, concerned that unnecessary chemicals were being added to the lager, set up Christopher Union in order to place pressure on the owners to invest in new state of the art equipment that would rectify the problem. Four months later it was proved unequivocally that these chemicals caused aggressive drunkenness and encouraged individuals to beat their wives. The owners however refused to accept the findings of the reports and continued relentlessly. In 1369 after marriages plummeted cataclysmically in the nearby towns the Union decided to set up their own brewery producing a cheap authentic lager brewed with natural ingredients called Christonbrau. For a brief period prosperity returned to the region. People remained happily married, drank Christonbrau to become merry and went school. Unfortunately this meant there was no longer a need for Christopher Union. Christopher stripped of purpose slowly spiralled into a world of depression and alcoholism and one winters day whilst walking his pet lemming fell into a peat bog where he remained for 600 years. In the year 1975 he was discovered by scientists working for the National Museum of Wales. For many months these scientist working on a secret island off the coast of Costa Rica tried to extract a complete strand of DNA from the specimen in the hope of resurrecting Christopher from the dead. Eventually they succeeded but after exceeding their yearly budget of £12.30 the scientists were forced to abandon the project. For many years it was believed the precious DNA had been lost but in 1985 a secret government organisation began to use the DNA to create an army of clones in the image of Christopher in a lacklustre attempt to take over the world. The clones however turned out to be disobedient and prone to outbursts of strange irrational behaviour so they were cut up into pieces and dumped in the Severn Estuary. What the government didn’t realise was that holes in Christopher’s original genetic code had been crudely filled with echinoderm DNA and that echinoderms exhibit a from of a-sexual reproduction in which if a piece of a parent is detached, it can grow and develop into a completely new copy of the organism.
The Last Christopher Union Social
One hell of a night we consumed a total of 3 bottles of lager between the 4 of us!! The Minister of information informs me after many hours of laborious calculations that this works out at an astonishing 3/4 of a bottle each. No wonder we felt bad in the morning.
Here is a picture of one new member having a lager induced pseudo-religious experience.