April 29, 2008

Warwick Sells Top Academic

A professor in Warwick’s Chemistry department was shocked to learn today that the University has sold him to Real Madrid for £16m. Francis Draper, 52, was instructed to vacate his office this morning following Warwick’s agreement with the Spanish footballing giant. A distraught Draper confessed that he was ‘Shocked… I’ve never played a game of football in my life.’ Peter Kenyon, the University of Warwick’s new Head of Development and Planning, retorted that Draper’s reaction was ‘unprogressive’ in a press conference held this afternoon: ‘We’re trying to take this University forward. Anyone can see that the sale of Draper is essential to a scheme of widening particiation.’

Despite Draper’s protests that he has ‘a wife and kids in Sydenham, and a bad back’, Real Madrid’s coach, Bernd Schuster, expects him to report for training with Los Blancos fully fit on Thursday morning. ‘He may not be a galactico’, Schuster commented, ‘but Francis obtained his professorship at a very young age and I feel he will add depth to our squad.’

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