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May 01, 2006

Imbecile of the Week #3: Paulo Ferreira

Ah yes, it's not just a medium for my particular brand of cynicism. This week's Imbecile of the Week is dedicated to the stupidity of someone who England can unite behind, to an extent not witnessed since we last played Germany in the World Cup.

Paulo Ferreira has achieved the impossible: killing England's (slim) chances of winning the World Cup with just the use of his knee.

It's a remarkable achievement, but deserves no applause. In tackling Wayne Rooney at the weekend, Ferreira has managed to give hope to the people of Paraguay, Sweden and the colossus that is Trinidad and Tobago. Indeed, those great nations expecting to face England in the quarter finals of the World Cup, such as Costa Rica and Ecuador, will now be considering whether a place in the semis is not so unbelievable.

For without Rooney, we are – not to put too much of a gloss on things – buggered. Imagine the scene in the Swedish dressing room as Lars Lagerback announces that England are to bring out their secret weapon for the second half. Yes… an invincible strike force of Peter Crouch and the Deadly Darius Vassell. You can hear the laughter ringing around the Cologne dressing room already.

So Mr Ferreira… thankyou. Our 'never–say–die' attitude has been cut down to size before the tournament has even begun. Share prices in the beverage industry will surely collapse come tomorrow as the brewers realise we shall have no cause to watch the game at a public house. Never mind the British champagne industry – supported by Gordon Brown in his budget – but doomed by the clumsy knee of a Chelsea footballer.

Quite frankly, this is not just a matter of football. Oh no. The sad reality is that our entire economy is doomed because of Paulo Ferreira's crap tackling and lack of patriotism for the country where he lives.

There is only one solution: getting the BNP to take over at Soho Square, appointing an English manager and banning all foreigners from playing in the Premiership. Oh, and cloning Wayne Rooney.

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