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February 16, 2007

The 21st Century Commandments

I’ve been listening to this new track from an outfit called Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip. It’s called Thou Shalt Always Kill and it is, put in simple terms, absolute fricking genius.


Thou shalt not steal if there is a direct victim
Thou shalt not worship pop idols or follow lost prophets
Thou shalt not take the names of Johnny Castro, Strummer, Johnny Hartman, Desmond Dekker, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix or Sid Barratt in vain
Thou shalt not think that any man over the age of 30 that plays with a child that is not their own is a paedophile – some people are just nice
Thou shalt not read NME
Thou shalt not stop liking a band or comedian just because they’ve become popular
Thou shalt not question Stephen Fry
Thou shalt not judge a book by its cover
Thou shalt not judge Lethal Weapon by Danny Glover
Thou shalt not buy Coca Cola products
Thou shalt not buy Nestle products
Thou shalt not go into the woods with your boyfriend’s best friend, take drugs, and cheat on him
Thou shalt not fall in love so easily
Thou shalt not use poetry, art or music to get into girls’ pants – use it to get into their heads
Thou shalt not watch Hollyoaks
Thou shalt not attend an Open Mic and leave as soon as you’ve done your poem or song you self-righteous prick
Thou shalt not return to the same bar or club week in, week out, just cos you once saw a girl you’re never going to flipping talk to anyway
Thou shalt not put musicians or recording artists on ridiculous pedestals no matter how great they are or were
The Beatles were just a band
Led Zeppelin, just a band
The Beach Boys, just a band
The Sex Pistols were just a band
The Clash, just a band
Crass, just a band
Minor Threat, just a band
The Cure, just a band
The Smiths, just a band
Nirvana, just a band
The Pixies, just a band
Oasis, just a band
Radiohead, just a band
Bloc Party, just a band
The Arctic Monkeys, just a band
The next big thing will be just a band
Thou shalt give equal worth to tragedies that occur in non-English speaking countries as to those that occur in English-speaking countries
Thou shalt remember that guns, bitches and bling were never part of the four elements, and never shall they be
Thou shalt not make repetitive, generic music
Thou shalt not make repetitive, generic music
Thou shalt not make repetitive, generic music
Thou shalt not make repetitive, generic music
Thou shalt not make pimp my ride
Thou shalt not scream if you wanna go faster
Thou shalt not move to the sounds of the wickedness
Thou shalt not make some noise for Detroit
When I say ‘hey’, thou shalt not say ‘ho’
When I say ‘hip’, thou shalt not say ‘hop’
When I say, he say, she say, we say, make some noise
Kill me, please
Thou shalt not quote me happy
Thou shalt not shake it like a Polaroid picture
Thou shalt not wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Thou shalt spell the word Pheonix p-h-e-o-n-i-x, not p-h-o-e-n-i-x, regardless of what the Oxford English Dictionary tells you
Thou shalt not express your shock at the fact that Sharon got off with Brad at the club last night by saying ‘izzit?’
Thou shalt think for yourselves
And most importantly of all, thou shalt always
Thou shalt always kill.

NB: The lyrics vary a bit each time.

It’s Choose Life by the PF Project. It’s Baz Luhrmann’s Everyone’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen). Only it’s much, much, better.

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