December 04, 2006

How to replace Trident, by Prof. Christopher Doidge

Ladies and Gentlemen. Since the 1950s we’ve been whinging about nuclear weapons and how they’re so expensive. We’ve never used one, and frankly don’t intend to. Yet it’s imperative for the survival of our race that we have them.

Well I, Professor Christopher Doidge, have invented a replacement for Trident, which I shall call Trident II. And here, live on the internet, I can reveal it for the first time:

Trident 2

Here’s how it works.

We tell the Russians, Iranians, North Koreans and al-Qaeda that we’re spending £17bn on a new nuclear weapons system. We tell CND (if they still exist) that we’re reducing the number of warheads by 20%. And we continue to tell the Americans that we’re still important, in what will only ever amount to willy-waving.

And then we don’t bother.

We stash the money in the British Virgin Islands (what’s the point of having them if we don’t use them ourselves) and in 2024 ‘unveil’ these clever looking submarines which are actually props from Tomorrow Never Dies. They’ll be empty, but no-one will know.

And so that way we’ll continue to scare the shit out of the Russians, Iranians, North Koreans and al-Qaeda, continue to piss off CND, and be able to pretend that we’re still important. Without actually wasting £17bn on something that we’ll never use.

In fact, it makes you wonder if we even have any at the moment…

- 2 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

  1. How many nuclear weapons do you need for a ‘Mutually Assured Destruction’ strategy? None, just a press release.

    04 Dec 2006, 16:05

  2. It’s the opposite of what happens in Dr Strangelove, where the Russians build the ‘doomsday device’ (an automatic nuclear apocalypse if anyone uses a nuclear weapon), whose purpose is to stop anyone using nuclear bombs, but don’t tell anyone that they’ve built it. The scene where they realise this is possibly the funniest in film history.

    Sadly, I feel this is more likely to happen than Chris’ very sensible suggestion. ;-)

    04 Dec 2006, 16:55

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