January 16, 2005

Tales from the Scarred Lands 5

Well, I told you I'd do it, and I almost did it!

Today I went out of the city gates and set about trying to find some adventurers who weren't too inebriated to give me a good tale, and I found some! Unfourtunately not the renowned travellers I was looking for, perhaps they have become fat with mead over the winter...I can't say without seeing them!

Bizarrely I found a group of only three adventurers, more than a little green as they were backing away from a group of stupid goblins instead of just hacking their jabbering heads off! I used the old, "Shall I blow my whistle nice and loud so the King's Patrol can hear?" trick, which was even better as there weren't any Patrol Guards for miles!

The party consisted of Sarkey the Mage, who probably wouldn't shut up if he got infected and became a mindless eating machine! I bet he'd still ramble on, but he was brightly dressed, armed with a frying-pan and muttering about "comfortable, absorbant Wings", fancying himself some sort of feary, perfect mad Mage material! He also told me a charming verse about a man defeating a vampire, only to have his lover marry his brother! Marvellous. I could make a Bard out of him yet!

He was joined by the more subdued Amber, a female priest I think but I couldn't make out of what faith. By her simple brown attire I'd hazard a guess at The Fias and hope she won't be offended! She seemed to have most of the common sense. There was also a well-armoured chap, who said even less, not even his name I fear, but he had two swords, so I would venture him destined for success as well!

Apparently, the strange illness has caught the attention of the Royal physicians, who obviously don't want the weirdness inside the city walls, and want to know what's causing it. But No-one knows! No cause, no cure, only symptoms resulting so far in a lot of people becoming very ugly and eating the nearest friend or family member until they are slain. It's all a bit depressing, really!

So, I shall give you a few verses of my new goblin song to cheer you up!"

Goblins are green, and goblins are mean
_They are the thickest creatures I've ever seen_

_If you put two planks, together end-to-end,_
they wouldn't be as thick as a goblin, my friend!

As I went walking just the other day
_A little greenie Goblin he got right in my way_
_I said "look over there!", all he could do was stare,_
And I was swiftly on my way again!

The adventure contues, who will live to see it end?

Arklyn Lynks, Bard


- 11 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

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  1. The goblin won't give up that easily, Claire, be wary. I had a goblin chase me for 23 years once, but then it realised that I wasn't old enough to have been chased for 23 years, and exploded in a cloud of logic.

    17 Jan 2005, 23:21

  2. Claire?! who's that? I think you've had too much Mead mate! ;-)

    18 Jan 2005, 12:21

  3. I have, I really have. My philosophy teacher at school was called Mr Bowden, he's my third favourite person that I've ever met.

    18 Jan 2005, 17:27

  4. Sparky the Fire Mage!

    Oh! Misstress Arklyn! My name is Sparky, not Sarkey! Like Sarkey, but with a P and no E. (People keep telling me that i look like I've taken a lot of Es, but I don't know what they mean – I'm no letter thief!)

    But, thank you for telling people about my wings – losing them was very distressing! I was SURE I had them when I left Arcadia! Oh, where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where could the possibly be? My poor wings! they're probably hanging off some folorn-looking tree somewhere, all lost and alone! Oh!

    I'm not sure I understand what you mean about me not shutting up! I'm the very soul of taciturness!! I'm not at all excitable, and I never ramble!!!

    Oh, and I'm sure the Goblins wouldn't have hurt us really! They seemed like jolly decent chaps! Although it was fun watching you make them run away like that, you clever Bard, you! :D

    18 Jan 2005, 19:50

  5. A friend of Sparky ;)

    Hmmmm. Comfortable, absorbent wings sounds disturbingly like a line from the sort of presentation that has damsels running around in slow motion whilst laughing and tossing their hair around whilst beakers containing blue liquids are poured upon white cotton pads.

    18 Jan 2005, 20:07

  6. Sparky the Fire Mage!

    I'm sure i don't know what you mean – no damsels have ever thrown beakers of liquid over me! Well, except for this one woman in the bakery, when I asked if I could have a nibble on her baps, and then tried to offer her this new booze-soaked cake I'd developed, to sell in her shop. Quite why any woman would take offence at being asked if she'd like tob try a couple of sponge fingers in cider, I've no idea!

    18 Jan 2005, 20:24

  7. Sparky's Friend

    You're a pad of white cotton?! Isn't that a bit inflammatory for a Fire Mage to be?

    Anyway, I believe the main damsel in these performances is some bird from Shalott who always wails "The curse has come upon me!" Maybe that was the woman you encountered?

    18 Jan 2005, 20:28

  8. Sparky the Fire Mage!

    Shallots? Ooooh! Theyíre good! You can bake them, or fry them, or roast them, or just BLOW THEM UP!!! :) :) :) You shouldnít curse them, though Ė thatís naughty and bad!

    But, no the woman in the bakery wasnít a shallot, or a bird Ė they donít let vegetables or birds work in bakeries, silly! She was a woman. With baps. And a great big oven :D

    18 Jan 2005, 20:39

  9. Oh my Gods and Goeddesses you need to calm down, mage or you'll blow us all up! Try and focus on one thing at a time, and don't be so literal!

    For instance, what's it like in Arcadia?

    19 Jan 2005, 09:51

  10. Cramped, but with good scenery. Or so they tell me…

    19 Jan 2005, 16:45

  11. Sparky the Fire Mage!

    Oooh, Arcadia is just the best place ever! I mean, the mortal world is really lovely as well, and full of interesting things and people with souls and stuff, Iím not trying to diss it, or slag it off, or be pejorative, or anything like that, Iíd never be offensive, but the gravity here all goes in the same direction Ė I mean, whatís going on with that? Itís so passť!

    But yeah, but no, but yeah, Arcadia, erm, well, itís, like, totally multisensory and fabulous! Itís lovely! Thereís a whole constant state of flux thing going on, so if you get bored of reality you can just change it! And itís very sparkly, which is always good! And also, it has lots of attributes which I just cantít describe in mortal adjectives! They donít get THAT in the City! Well, apart from that smell you get when a bunch of Goblins hold a convention, though I noticed lots of people trying to come up with mortal adjectives to describe that!

    You should come and visit Ė Iím sure there are lots of stories there that you can write down in a Big Bardic Book! Itís the World of Stories, after all! Or is it dreams? Well, anyway, you should visit! I possibly should point out that the last three mortal human being thing people that I took there all went wibble or neugh and looked as though they were about to pass their frontal lobes out through their ears, but the chances of that happening again must be infinitesimally small, right?

    19 Jan 2005, 23:45


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