All entries for Wednesday 30 March 2005
March 30, 2005
Well, let me take you through the evening that was;
I turned up in the company of Kimmy to find the band all sat together rolling and drinking, Lucy came over and hugged me and I said hi to everyone though Simon seemed intent on not seeing me for a bit. Then I sat down and removed my coat and he said "hi", so I decided to just go for it and I went and sat by him and asked how everything is and was, and we talked pretty freely, although I was nervous as hell, and told him honestly about the past two months, and he told me that he's now living in halls (!) and he's back in love with his course and if he does well on his exams he's going to stay on for the duration! I'm pleased things are going well for him.
It took me a while to figure out why I was so on edge and mixed up. For one, we were sat right near the stage and I wasn't sure where to look, because obviously I couldn't watch him any more, but that's what I always did, you know? old habits…So I stared adoringly at Lucy instead and bounced along (in my seat) although the old songs took a while to feel like normal.
SO we talked a bit more then I used the old female tactic of the loo to think to myself for a bit; there's no attraction there any more, you know, I have no desire to be with him again, and I finally clicked, similar to the feeling that spurred yesterdays entry, I miss his friendship, and I miss what it feels like to be in love. Sometimes I wonder how love happens, or why, and why things change, but it does and they do. I miss having someone that I really could tell everything to at any time and they would make it all right. I know this isn't something you achieve quickly, and to be fair he never knew me completely, which is probably why things changed, but I realised that I'd missed him as a friend.
The final relief came when I asked him why he'd stopped emailing, and he didn't seem to realise that he had! He doesn't have net access at home now so he only ever pops on for band stuff, and he said he'd forgotten whose turn it was. So there was never any vindictivness or intent, and he hasn't read this for months!
So, now everything (as far as I can see) is fine, I'm happy, he seems happy, the band's doing well, and to top it off I had a wonderful, slightly psychedelic night over at Jo and Paul's flat, with much red wine and 70's music. I love their hippy pad!
Thanks to everyone for your comments yesterday, and I hope that anyone else who has fallen out with their ex's can actually carry out the line of "We'll still be friends", if that dread line was uttered at the end.