All entries for Monday 07 November 2005

November 07, 2005

Today has been odd

Today I awoke somewhat groggy following yesterday's choral competition. Peterborough, as usual, had some damned awful adjudicator who was a general arse. Seriously, I expect he writes on his passport application "Occupation; Arse". Angered me. Apologies to all of those around me who had to suffer my stroppiness, especially Graham, whom I practically shouted at just because he was listening to music.

I found myself unable to drag myself out of bed, and lay there with that 'guilty-not bothered really-lethargic-oh God I'll need to catch up even more later on' feeling when you realise you're going to miss a lecture, but still did nothing about it and carried on lying there, thinking. I do most of my best thinking when I'm in bed, having just woken up.

Eventually forced myself into the shower, which was only lukewarm, and full of mould. I hate student accommodation; apparently, doing a degree means you are entitled to live in poverty. Anyway, finished shower, dried hair, straightened hair… Usual things.

Read Lorna's entry, and felt uplifted, if not envious, of her decision making ability. Then things started going wrong.

Card was rejected at Tesco – have 4 of your English pounds to sustain myself until I get paid, with Barclaycard bill looming ominously. Went home and managed to scrape together enough money to catch the bus, feeling a little worried, but excited at seeing people who I wanted to see on campus. Was half an hour late, but then had fun.

Now I feel funny. In an empty, unfulfilled way. Have been listening to Coldplay all night, as the words seem strangely fitting to my mood;

"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"

Oh God I hope I'm not in another depressive spiral. I think by now I can talk myself out of them, but it's so hard sometimes. I look to my friends who I know have been in exactly the same position, and they all seem to be doing ok now.

I often think back to what I would have been doing this time n years ago, and wonder how much I've achieved since then. If I were in Upper 6th now, I'd be talking to the people I've now lost touch with. I wouldn't be listening to Coldplay. I'd be taking pills and drinking Gin. Seems I havn't really achieved much.


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