November 03, 2005

Before We Go

I lie awake
Under summerís red tree
Blue bowl of moonless sky,
My Gethsemane

Dancing smoke
In darkened rooms
Hands writhe like snakes
Day comes too soon.

You made my breath catch
Standing so close
On the same blade of grass,
A moment of almost.

- 2 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

  1. I do love this, particularly the last stanza. I think the second is not as strong… the rhyme seems weak. Suggested change: the last line could read "a moment, almost". (In any case, think about how that line would sound when read aloud.)

    06 Nov 2005, 20:48

  2. i like the last line.

    my issue comes with 'Day comes too soon' – it's cliche and seems to end the poem before the final stanza.

    14 Dec 2005, 17:14

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