I just had one of the most terrifying experiences in my entire life.
I thought I'd gone down with another cold yesterday: so stayed in bed, ate plenty of fruit and drank lots of water. I also read the first 110 pages of Absolute Beginners in between falling asleep. However tonight I went to sleep and dreamt. Now I very rarely dream; or rather I very rarely remember dreaming. However tonight was different, it was as close to insanity as I have ever been. I could physically feel myself slipping away, my mind merging in consciousness with the book, facts and thoughts twisting into each other and splitting down an infinite number of paths that had me screaming in agony and sheer ball-twisting terror. I felt, in short that I was losing myself being subsumed by something unstoppable that would leave me forever destroyed and gone.
I barely managed to wake up again, to push my head up above the waves, and even then it felt like I was still asleep, still trapped in the nightmare as I pushed my wearing, sweat soaked body onto legs that felt like I was standing in the midst of an earthquake. Juddering this way and that and gripping the wall for support I focussed on what little part of me I could still find amongst the confusion and the pain and snatching my cup I lurched into the bathroom and began with shaky hands and blurry vision to drink what felt like my own body weight in water. Whilst trying to force myself through the static of names and places that seemed to dominate my mind.
Eventually I started to feel like a shadow of myself again. But the whole event has left me scared shitless like a little kid. I hope it was simply a fever dream of extreme severity. But I've always felt two points away from the edge of madness and only a little push into the padded cell of the mind.
“only a little push into the padded cell of the mind.”
That’s the opening line to a poem I reckon…
(I also had a dream that ended like this.)
20 Nov 2008, 06:55
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