All entries for May 2005
May 11, 2005
He was aware of the fact that she probably knew of the liaisons, and somehow this frustrated him, it had virtually become a sport to see how brazen he could be about it, the cruelty almost becoming as delicious as the act- and he intended sneeringly to flaunt his quarry this time with the limp tie he clasped. The malice in which he held his comfortable backdrop often barely concealed in his unguarded throwaway remarks. Head still swimming with the intoxicating cocktail of nicotine and cheap red wine, although it was no longer the sweet drunkenness of the night’s beginning but had rather metamorphosed somewhere in the white noise of the night’s background conversation into this self-indulgent state in which he always met himself again, a stark impenetrable figure, left there after the crowds dispersed at the end of a night.
His clothes hung dishevelled and stale, his polyester shirt causing static crackle as he shifted restlessly before finally slumping uneasily in the chair as he fixed upon the pointless, witless conversation, the self-conscious effort of each knowing smile and double-entendre as he edged closer in the uncontainable impetus he felt within him as he finally irresistibly clasped her flushed cheeks in his hands, playing out each others hackneyed role in this lethargic cliché.
Behind his satisfied schoolboy grin lay the notion scattered somewhere in the setting for this breathless fumble, the strewn files and blind computer monitors, that this was all his life’s momentum could sustain. The moment of blissful vulnerability fleeting and elusive, leaving only recurring apathy. All of the infinite possibilities chatted about behind the sixth form block in the shrouds of smoke from their contraband Silk Cut had been erased in favour of this one, an afterthought, a tangent to the life he returned to behind the phosphenes of his sunken eyelids.
The oppressive weight of disappointment felt almost palpable upon his chest as it inevitably did after he returned from one of his exploits. Some sort of chemical reaction across the synapses, an evolutionary quirk he surmised to censor these illogical urges which would ultimately lead towards disorder and disjunction. The amorphous desire for gratification, impossible to rationalise, a spark to cleave the numb tedium of his thoughts.
All that resided in the gloom was an ache for something other, lifting the veils over his weary pupils onto a life which didn’t make him feel so distasteful like the bitter metallic taste melding itself in his mouth. Perhaps he could finally seize this in his idle dreaming fantasy of inhabiting another self, living another life in another time frame, yet in the watery onset of morning the familiar form of the figure‘s outline always came immutably back into focus.
You do not have to fall into the tautology of succumbing. The forces of past events do not have to impact upon this eternally unfurling present. Each moment can be taken entirely in isolation you repaeat to yourself. Each one is a clean slate. Perhaps you will still be bound by threads from then, but they can be dissolved. A new legacy can be created.
The transition to this is fraught however. At first you try to fight everything, including sleep. The structures of day and night break down. And you dwell somewhere beyond either, eeking out a few hours before you are summoned back to a somnolent world, free of sensation and choice.
Motivation is an infrequent visitor, but when it arrives the urge to act is sometimes overwhelming. Like the ardent skeptic, you want so hard to believe that you sometimes crush it before it can establish itself. You're so used to the cushion of its absence you find it perplexing. All the things which may sustain it seem false crutches and contingencies; God, ambition, love. But acceptance of its fleeting nature is itself a reassurance.
And normality arrives only in installments
May 09, 2005
Things have come a long way, and so you feel its time to write something entirely positive, with none of those bittersweet overtones (ok a few). To be entirely honest life is good. You find beauty in the everyday, time does not entirely elude your grasp. Happiness is an awkward coat to wear but it fits better than it ever could that angry teary child alone in the cubicles. Then was not yet time.
Anxiety still clasps at your chest every now and again but somehow a sense of perspective has been added to the frame. The calm after the storm for the nerves is palpable. And it is not the saccharine calm of apathy, you realise now that life involves your involvement. Things do not ever do themselves, no matter how much you may will it. And it is thrilling to do them, affecting change is empowering. Actions are in the imperative.
To live like that was not to live, eyes wide open let in too much searing light. More viable is eyes half closed, as in the light of early morning. Some emotions must be censored in order to carry on. To be overwhelmed is life hiding from the oncoming flow. A degree of detachment may seem traitorous, but it is needed for preservation of everyday life.
Perhaps this state has also needed surrender, fighting against the tides from without made you weary and slip beneath the waves. To let go of shame and self castigation for the state things were in allows for more resources to battle the inner tides, those that must not be succumbed to.
This feeling of happiness is felt at the back of your throat, like a suppressed laugh. And perhaps thats what it is- a laugh at all the ridiculous beautiful spectacle of it all.
Fearometer: 5 (the marshmallow of apathy's powers are far ranging and mysterious)
I don't think I'll ever be able to separate the thought that the feeling of love or sadness is true with the haunting belief that i've talked myself into it. And maybe the two are indestinguishable. And so perhaps the only thing left is to trust things as they are, in the clarity of that one moment.
I sense that I am I just embarking on this or that as Im bored, as I have to fill my life with something, and entangle myself in it in some way. I get trapped and caffled and I realise that I am an irremovable in all this, which I somehow resent. I feel embarrassed doing this, like a small child, caught doing something forbidden. Although it all feels as an act, watching through one way glass is not allowed. Its an experiment which I am the subject of, the result of which I don't want to ever discover.
Chemical happiness is a wonderful thing – it gives you the motivation to do nothing at high speed. Which is, granted, a step forward. Although it is rather hard to blog whilst in that giddy state. Blogging alas, requires disinterested melancholy. You are lifted up above the course of life bustleing below. Everything is funny, although somehow less sweet. Things slide from view, how funny, how incredibly funny! You reach down, attempting to grasp hold of something below, just to relate to things on earth for a while, but they are just too far below…
And then the realisation
My mind is beautifully ruined.