All entries for Wednesday 22 February 2006

February 22, 2006

The Brass Band…

I received this by email today, thought you might enjoy it. Worryingly – it's quite accurate!

The modern brass band consists of:

Eb Soprano cornet Too loud, usually out of tune. Convinced he has the most difficult part in the band

Principal cornet Conceited – uses too much vibrato

Second man down or bumper upper Either thinks he would make a better principal, or hero-worships the principal

Third man down Loud brutal musical thug with lots of stamina and no finesse

Fourth man down Like third man down, only louder and thicker

Repiano cornet Waiting for a chance to play principal

2nd cornets Hesitant, out of tune, but can play a bottom C

3rd cornets Loud, out of tune, but can play bottom G

Flugelhorn Plays flat. Can't decide whether to be a cornet or a horn

Solo horn Usually a girlie – irrespective of whether a male or female player

Tenor horns Can play a unison tone in tune if one of them is dead

1st Baritone Useless player, out of tune all the time

2nd Baritone Even worse player. Only there to show what the first baritone could do if he tried

2 Euphoniums Show-off and trainee show-off

1st trombone Steam driven. Rasps most of the time

2nd trombone Sloppy player, but can rasp even at pianissimo

Bass trombone Chainsaw with vibrato

Eb basses Look like two drunken farts

Bb basses Sound like two drunken farts

Percussion Have lots of noisy toys which must be used in the most inappropriate way possible. Must be totally incapable of producing a swing rhythm

Conductor So devoid of musical ability that he thinks the above mix sounds good


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