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July 13, 2008
WHY I KILLED JOHNNY
I sat in the red chair, where I always sat, and Johnny drip dropped the paper in front of me, folded so invisible except the headline, SCIENTISTS CURE THE IMPOSSIBLE, and I could imagine what the picture looked like. I saw in my mind’s eye a man in a blue-grey blazer, his eyes seeing horizons far beyond my restrictive own, his legs squeezed into trousers of some tough black material, ending, out of shot, in pointed brown shoes, with feet facing outward. I looked up from the paper to see Johnny, uncannily close to what I had imagined, his eyes darting seemingly independently from above a stiff collar.
“How,’ I said to Johnny, “do you get your hair to look like that?”
Yes, but do you remember three months earlier, which stretched out like a spine, that has since wound itself together? Those three months changed my life, and as a result, several (possibly twenty) seconds after talking to Johnny, I pulled a knife from the cushion on which I sat (which itself was placed on the wood floor) and plunged it into his chest with such ferocity that the noise of its entrance overpowered that of his screams.
Three months earlier, we had been in almost identical positions. As always, I was in the red chair when Johnny came in, a paper in his hand, a pop bottle that now contained fruit squash poking out of his bag, and his other hand reached in, took it out, undid the lid, he held it to his lips but he didn’t drink.
“Like all writers,” said Johnny, lowering the bottle from his lips and placing it at thigh height, “ you wish that I was a beautiful woman, who would enter and, finding themselves transfixed and overpowered by the sight of your artistic process, press her lips to yours.”
At this point I knew he had to die.
April 07, 2008
Probably I should be washing. My body seems to want to remove as much of itself as possible, so I can wake up next week, half a person, fit into my old jeans, and maybe have a bite to eat. Essays don’t do themselves, they fill my half-closed eyes with blank screens.
Oscar calls but I do not answer. I pretend, to myself, that I am sleeping. My stomach pummels itself. But essays do not write themselves.
I make a niche in my balled first by arching my thumb and my pointing finger. Only two weeks left of this now. I sl
ide the pen into the niche. The cold pen. And I stare at the page and do not write.
April 03, 2008
Greg’s favourite thing to do, he said, was to take much more mandy than I
could’ve managed, lean against the (white) wall of his flat, and gradually
slide to the floor, chain-smoking and rushing his nuts off. That doesn’t
mean Greg had nothing else to him. But he could certainly handle, and
enjoy, things I couldn’t. He’d bomb this initial mandy in the
mid-afternoon, and then gum dabs of it through the evening, and I suppose
he could’ve stayed high for days, if he’d been diagnosed with some
terminal illness and been told he had a fortnight to live, he’d’ve
probably buzzed right through it, ending up in the morning-afterlife.
It was this conversation – what I could hear of it over the general
messy sound of Birmingham, which sounds like couples kissing and old men
farting and dumb kids starting fights and that kind of Decemberist
folk-with-kick that Mr. Bones and the Dreamers do – this was Point A.
It’s difficult, if not impossible, to say why, but I can tell without a
shadow of a doubt that this is where it all started.
Not that it was a typical night in my life, because it wasn’t that, it
was just a good one, a great one, for a lot of people, I know, and a lot
of people I know, this is a much more regular experience than it is for
me, seeing the happening djs and taking the love drugs. Still it can
happen to almost anyone, their hearts and their minds can change and
mandy’s always core to it as far as I can see, the author of our
confessions and strained sobriety, and this is the taste it lends to water
when it is dissolved in it and sipped by skinny girls. So like everything
ever, this begins with girls, though not one girl in particular, though
there was the problem of my ex-girlfriend, but she was several postcodes
away in her cold London room, so what could I do? Too ugly to fuck around
and to afraid of loneliness to get a hobby.
I just made the mistake of thinking aloud.
“I’m fine, I’m fine, sorry, just – buzzing, you know?”
“I’m just gonna... sit here for a while,” with my head in my hands, “with
my head... in my hands.” I trailed off. New vibrations shook the wooden
floor beneath me. Footsteps, of Dave’s big feet in flat soles.
“Yeah – ” in my brain, I puked my guts out, “just feeling a bit –
overwhelmed,” goddamit I am so shit with drugs. I took my phone from out
of my pocket. I began to compose a message to Keiran from Mr. Bones and
the Dreamers. Dave caught my eyes.
“You need. To. Rave. Trust me on this. Used to be me, everytime, I would
just sit there rushing like hell, getting a bit – depressed.”
What do I say? My body is at odds with my mind?
“Come dance, may-ate.”
I finished the message, that asked him for salvation. He didn’t live too
far away, it was just round the corner that I’d seen them play and just
round the corner from him, but I’ve taken to reducing even
the biggest cities to only their centres and suburbs. I lifted my lead
legs and placed my feet on the slats. The whole world shook. I was
February 24, 2008
chaos theorysurely there is an equation for how I am doing at the moment, and surely it is better that I don't know it.
February 17, 2008
I dreamt of a coal mine. My tongue was black with soot. When I woke up, I drank two glasses of water in a row, barely stopping for air, but my tongue still felt dry with the stuff. It was -4 outside, cold for this time of year; I had woken early, before dawn.
Several friends called during the day, offering their condolences. I shivered down the telephone as my friend from New York sympathised.
‘Is it cold in New York?’ I said, realising that I felt cold.
‘It’s chilly. I’m wearing a jacket.’
Around midday, the loneliness got to me. I began craving strange foods. ‘All I want to do,’ I said to myself, ‘is sit around in my underwear and eat Lego.’ I wasn’t used to this kind of loneliness. It was a complicated feeling, but there wasn’t much to it. My mouth still tasted of soot.
The cupboard was bare. I opened the cupboard because I wanted to look at empty space. Outside, the clouds had just begun to lift. A bright light shone on the backs of the railings across the road, and their shadows looked like a zebra-crossing.
Earlier, my friend had said, ‘Don’t worry. There are a lot of people rooting for you.’ Thinking about that made me feel kind of good, but it was confusing, I had never realised how complicated loneliness was. My eyes kept closing, all I wanted was to go to bed and wake up two days ago, before all of this had happened, but I knew that if I fell asleep I would dream of the coal mine and wake up tasting soot again.
February 12, 2008
‘Oo-dee-lally, I seen nothing like that before.’
I couldn’t enlighten Fraser, having never fired a gun before that moment; I was acutely aware of a hot pain in my wrist that felt ready to spread. Gorman chirped up with an expression I’m sure he’d been brewing for weeks,
‘Not the sharpest dick in the Kleenex are ya boss?’
But all I heard, as ever, was a metallic grunt like an electric pencil-sharpener churning up a biro, and Fraser kindly nudged him below the ribs for me, making him spring up elastically.
A smoking hole now pierced the piled sand. Whatever had been there had left twin trails like a bicycle dragged along on its side, but lazily and with no certain direction, despite the fact that it had moved fast enough to vanish over the horizon in the few seconds it had taken for the dust to settle.
‘Why’d you shoot, Georgie-boy?’ Fraser asked, gently, ‘I’m glad you did it, not saying otherwise, but what made you?’
The whole situation had twisted into a paper ball in my head. I swore to high heaven, dropped the revolver and gripped my wrist.
‘Hurts like a caesarean, don’t it?’
‘Sweet merciful fuck, Gorman, can’t you save your dick-slit sayings for special occasions?’ The side of Fraser’s heel met the back of Gorman’s knee with a deeply satisfying thud, and the tall man crumpled. ‘I really hope you don’t go paying this guy, George.’
‘He does his job,’ I said in George’s voice, staring down at hands that had never held a book before, that had probably never held a pen either.
Fraser gazed pitilessly at Gorman’s half-kneel. ‘You never fired no gun,’ he spat, ‘and you never had no caesarean.’ Gorman stirred like a sleeper and rose to his feet.
I winced, unfamiliar skin bunching over my weak eyes.
‘It’s fine now. Just a shock.’
A shock! Why did I get off here? This was definitely not my stop. My feet were too big for my legs, a problem exacerbated by the rapid swelling process that they were undergoing. My bones were brittle and useless, barely held together by the strings of my muscles. I was going to have to use my brain before it had resigned itself to the confines of George’s fence-builder cranium. It was like being a Shakespearean actor who’d been miscast as one of the Three Stooges. Who know when the train would come back this way? It seemed a strange enough route to take anyway – what if they discontinued it, concluding that it wasn’t worth the cost of the fuel?
‘Let’s get moving.’
Gorman looked at me with something like friendship in his eyes. ‘Now you’re talking smart, George. Let’s get out of it. If that thing comes back here, we’re...’
Loyal as ever, Fraser turned me. ‘No offense, Georgie,’ he said, ‘but if that thing comes back – well, the speed it was going at, it won’t have any trouble catching up with us.’ He paused. ‘Not that I’ve got a better idea...’
I wondered if Fraser was his Christian or surname. ‘We don’t get out of it, chaps,’ I said, ‘we’re going to go after it.’
They slumped towards the horses without protest. Gorman mouthed the word ‘screwcifered,’ silently memorising it for his collection.
We followed the tracks until dark. The sand had begun to resemble snow in the weird green moonlight, though a little colder than I remember snow as being, when I finally let my companions stop. My peripherals were full of Fraser’s unspoken concern about our water supply. These fucking practicalities. I could smell water not too far away, but I couldn’t remember whether that was a natural sense, so I didn’t voice it. Fraser removed the remaining fence-poles from beneath the saddle and arranged them carefully beside the fire. Gorman poured canned food into a dirty saucepan and dangled it over the flames, savouring an aroma that made me retch uncontrollably.
‘Alright, George?’ Fraser’s hand was on the small of my back immediately.
Gorman seemed to be contemplating the correct phrase, but Fraser glared at him. ‘Don’t even think it, you lanky twat.’
‘What’re you getting at me for? It’s not my fault he’s about to throw a flem shape – ’
‘Gorman, will you shut your god damned face before I do something you’ll regret.’
‘Hands off me!’ I hissed suddenly. Shit, shit, control yourself, you idiot!
‘What’s that?’ Fraser’s hand didn’t move, but his concern had turned to confusion.
Shut up, shut up. I had grown so unused to discomfort.
‘Take it easy now, George.’ He wandered back to the horses to unpack the blankets. I could feel the depression his hand had left on my back gradually being refilled.
We consumed our food in near-silence, and retired immediately afterward.
By dawn I had lost hope. I was losing the fight with George’s body and mind. Something drastic would have to be done, while there was still time, before I became completely limited.
I walked over to Fraser’s sleeping form first. He screamed only briefly, and was not loud enough to wake Gorman. I placed my disintegrating foot over his face; the grains ran down into his eye sockets, coating the eyeballs with brown sludge which reached the brain in a matter of seconds. His body began to spasm unpleasantly, until finally I reached his heart and our pulses became one. I wondered for a moment, with all his misplaced affection for George, whether this wasn’t exactly what he would have wanted.
Gorman was more difficult. He made the mistake of waking up moments before I reached him. What he saw moving towards him must have been beyond his imagination, the limitations of which I became aware of in the next few minutes as I placed a blustering hand on his face. Only bad luck, on his part, I thought, to have been in the wrong place at the wrong time. He certainly didn’t ask for this.
With the correct number of legs at last, I followed the sand.