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November 22, 2007

99 i remembers not 100

I remember you

I remember running after you. It was December and I didn’t take a coat.

I remember the first time you made me bleed.

I REMEMBER WHEN MY BLOOD WAS BLACK AND I COULD NO LONGER SEE YOUR FACE

I REMEMBER WHEN YOU TOOK HOLD OF ME AND I COULD NO LONGER FEEL THE PAIN.

I remember forgetting

I remember not remembering. Frantically.

I remember the ceiling, and the walls, covered in dots

I remember counting those dots: for hours

I remember being numb

I remember being scared

I remember losing my memories, and regaining them, one by one.

I remember each second following the next

I remember losing count, dozing, starting again.

I remember becoming unattached

I REMEMBER WAKING UP

I remember falling

I REMEMBER WHEN ALL THE BLOOD CAME OUT OF ME

I remember when all that blood was on the floor

I remember my reflection

I REMEMBER WHEN MY TEARS WERE RED. They clogged my eyes.

I remember when I had no face

I remember breaking

I REMEMBER LYING ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR AND SCREAMING, AND HOW IT MADE YOU CRY, maybe made you break.

I remember agony in your eyes

I remember counting

I remember shame

I remember the humiliation. I couldn’t make them understand. I couldn’t make them stop

I remember the blue above her face and all the words I couldn’t comprehend

I REMEMBER THE CITY LIGHTS

I remember moment by moment

I remember the city lights

I REMEMBER WHEN YOU READ TO ME AND FELL ASLEEP WHILST I LAY AWAKE.

I remember crouching on the airport floor

I remember your hands

I remember you pulling me closer when I’d rolled away in the night

I remember the sky seeping into the room

I REMEMBER RED GERANIUMS

I remember not wanting to look

I remember the way you tried not to laugh when I tickled you

I remember how I made you stay up with me, how we didn’t sleep, how you held me and didn’t ask, HOW YOU KISSED MY EYES AND WAITED.

I remember choking

I remember shaking behind the door, how I couldn’t breath AND I COULDN’T TELL YOU

I remember when everybody wore my face

I remember when everyone lost their face

I remember when you made me calm

I remember those cuts I left in your back

I remember when you tore my skin

I REMEMBER MY BODY BRUISED

I remember cigarettes in wineglasses

I remember the way that from the train window it looked as though the street lamps were running into the pavements

I remember the sea at night and how I CLUNG TO YOU

I remember with what tenderness I trusted you

I remember waking up covered in sheets of writing

I remember when I read what I had written and was scared

I remember burning my fingers when I burnt them

I remember the froth on her lips

I remember when I tried not to think, when I tried not to be, and when I failed in both.

I remember when I tried to understand

I remember despairing

I remember the nothingness, the blankness

I remember the isolation

I REMEMBER OVER AND OVER AGAIN

I remember when there were no words just depthless pain

I remember hiding under your body

I remember BEING HAPPY

I remember bubbles.

I remember your tummy

I remember the way you used to try and put your fingers in my mouth when I yawned

I remember how your whole face crumpled up into one grin

I remember the way we pushed each other too hard

I remember your consuming ambition

I remember all those mirrors

I remember suffocating

I REMEMBER THE WEIGHT HOLDING ME DOWN AS I CHOKED ON MY BLOOD

I REMEMBER HOW THERE WAS NOONE THERE

I REMEMBER HOW WE STARTED PAINTING A LITTLE BOAT WHEN I WAS FIVE: it’s still unfinished.

I remember how I used to know you, and the you I used to know has killed a girl.

I remember when you came to me and told me what he’s done to you

I remember when you wrote me poems

I remember when you cried against the WINDOW LEDGE, for your life.

I remember when you cried because you couldn’t stop him dying

I remember when you tried to tell me without crying

I remember all the times I tried not to cry, and then those times I COULDN’T FIND THE TEARS

I remember when they opened you in the corridor, with people drinking cups of tea

I remember being exhausted and laughing and crying mixed together and the confusion hurt

I REMEMBER WHEN I SAT AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS AND HUGGED MY FEET AND BEGGED THE MEMORIES NOT TO COME

I remember all the nights I tried to find excuses not to go to bed

I remember all the excuses I used to find not to go to bed alone

I remember all the nights that finished with me sleeping and all the morning yawns

I remember the horror of my sleep

I remember when I’d call just to tell you about my toes, just to push away my thoughts.

I REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID ‘MISS YOUAND ADDED ‘AS USUALAND WHEN I SAID ‘AS USUAL I DON’T BELIEVE YOUYOU SAID ‘AS USUAL I DON’T THINK YOU SHOULD’.

I remember red nail varnish. I can’t believe you might have killed her.

I remember when I stayed up typing ‘I remembers’ and couldn’t go to sleep.

I REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID I WAS AN ANGEL.

I remember when you lay on the tiled bathroom floor.


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