All entries for Thursday 22 November 2007
November 22, 2007
I remember you
I remember running after you. It was December and I didn’t take a coat.
I remember the first time you made me bleed.
I REMEMBER WHEN MY BLOOD WAS BLACK AND I COULD NO LONGER SEE YOUR FACE
I REMEMBER WHEN YOU TOOK HOLD OF ME AND I COULD NO LONGER FEEL THE PAIN.
I remember forgetting
I remember not remembering. Frantically.
I remember the ceiling, and the walls, covered in dots
I remember counting those dots: for hours
I remember being numb
I remember being scared
I remember losing my memories, and regaining them, one by one.
I remember each second following the next
I remember losing count, dozing, starting again.
I remember becoming unattached
I REMEMBER WAKING UP
I remember falling
I REMEMBER WHEN ALL THE BLOOD CAME OUT OF ME
I remember when all that blood was on the floor
I remember my reflection
I REMEMBER WHEN MY TEARS WERE RED. They clogged my eyes.
I remember when I had no face
I remember breaking
I REMEMBER LYING ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR AND SCREAMING, AND HOW IT MADE YOU CRY, maybe made you break.
I remember agony in your eyes
I remember counting
I remember shame
I remember the humiliation. I couldn’t make them understand. I couldn’t make them stop
I remember the blue above her face and all the words I couldn’t comprehend
I REMEMBER THE CITY LIGHTS
I remember moment by moment
I remember the city lights
I REMEMBER WHEN YOU READ TO ME AND FELL ASLEEP WHILST I LAY AWAKE.
I remember crouching on the airport floor
I remember your hands
I remember you pulling me closer when I’d rolled away in the night
I remember the sky seeping into the room
I REMEMBER RED GERANIUMS
I remember not wanting to look
I remember the way you tried not to laugh when I tickled you
I remember how I made you stay up with me, how we didn’t sleep, how you held me and didn’t ask, HOW YOU KISSED MY EYES AND WAITED.
I remember choking
I remember shaking behind the door, how I couldn’t breath AND I COULDN’T TELL YOU
I remember when everybody wore my face
I remember when everyone lost their face
I remember when you made me calm
I remember those cuts I left in your back
I remember when you tore my skin
I REMEMBER MY BODY BRUISED
I remember cigarettes in wineglasses
I remember the way that from the train window it looked as though the street lamps were running into the pavements
I remember the sea at night and how I CLUNG TO YOU
I remember with what tenderness I trusted you
I remember waking up covered in sheets of writing
I remember when I read what I had written and was scared
I remember burning my fingers when I burnt them
I remember the froth on her lips
I remember when I tried not to think, when I tried not to be, and when I failed in both.
I remember when I tried to understand
I remember despairing
I remember the nothingness, the blankness
I remember the isolation
I REMEMBER OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I remember when there were no words just depthless pain
I remember hiding under your body
I remember BEING HAPPY
I remember bubbles.
I remember your tummy
I remember the way you used to try and put your fingers in my mouth when I yawned
I remember how your whole face crumpled up into one grin
I remember the way we pushed each other too hard
I remember your consuming ambition
I remember all those mirrors
I remember suffocating
I REMEMBER THE WEIGHT HOLDING ME DOWN AS I CHOKED ON MY BLOOD
I REMEMBER HOW THERE WAS NOONE THERE
I REMEMBER HOW WE STARTED PAINTING A LITTLE BOAT WHEN I WAS FIVE: it’s still unfinished.
I remember how I used to know you, and the you I used to know has killed a girl.
I remember when you came to me and told me what he’s done to you
I remember when you wrote me poems
I remember when you cried against the WINDOW LEDGE, for your life.
I remember when you cried because you couldn’t stop him dying
I remember when you tried to tell me without crying
I remember all the times I tried not to cry, and then those times I COULDN’T FIND THE TEARS
I remember when they opened you in the corridor, with people drinking cups of tea
I remember being exhausted and laughing and crying mixed together and the confusion hurt
I REMEMBER WHEN I SAT AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS AND HUGGED MY FEET AND BEGGED THE MEMORIES NOT TO COME
I remember all the nights I tried to find excuses not to go to bed
I remember all the excuses I used to find not to go to bed alone
I remember all the nights that finished with me sleeping and all the morning yawns
I remember the horror of my sleep
I remember when I’d call just to tell you about my toes, just to push away my thoughts.
I REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID ‘MISS YOU’ AND ADDED ‘AS USUAL’ AND WHEN I SAID ‘AS USUAL I DON’T BELIEVE YOU’ YOU SAID ‘AS USUAL I DON’T THINK YOU SHOULD’.
I remember red nail varnish. I can’t believe you might have killed her.
I remember when I stayed up typing ‘I remembers’ and couldn’t go to sleep.
I REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID I WAS AN ANGEL.
I remember when you lay on the tiled bathroom floor.