November 03, 2008


What are Spoons exactly? And who invented them? When did humanity suddenly become too good for the use of its own hands? It's not like it's difficult to drink soup or stew without them, any child knows this, you simply tilt the bowl towards your face and let Gravity work its magic, or should I say: Physic.

Were Spoons invented before Spades or the other way around? I suppose I can see some bronze-age man with a shovel imagining "Digging ground all well and good, but what if want to dig food?" and such a scaled down Spade was made, and we all use them today.

Speaking of Spades, why are the Houses in decks of cards called what they are? Why are they even called Houses? It's different the world over, of course, an Italian girl was just revealing to me how she called clubs 'flowers', and her word for 'Spades' had no translation. They don't even look like spades, if they were made to scale then the handle would be like an inch long. Are they catering for gardening midgets?

Gardening Midgets would be awesome.

Who would need ten shoddily made midget shovels though? Don't even get me started on clubs, however. I am sorry, but look at any club card and tell me the first thing that it reminds you of. Does it remind you of something you could beat someone over the head with? If it does, you're clearly mentally unstable and should report yourself in to some form of institution immediately.

What would happen if an escape artist went insane? The straightjackets would be useless, for a start, you might as well imprison an obese patient in a cube of marzipan. Or a nymphomaniac in a room constructed entirely from sex. That would be an interesting room to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.

Speaking of places I wouldn't want to live, I was talking to some Germans the other day...

Welcome, dear reader, to my mind.

This is not, of course, an austere recollection of my thoughts, as they are far too well formed. These are my thoughts as they are transcribed and left to be dwelled on. In reality, my mind far more resembles an argument between several thousand immensely passionate but easily distracted Gardening Midgets. Sorry, I mean people. Not that Gardening Midgets aren't people, you understand, but I don't imagine them running my mind. That is, I didn't, until now

I think you see what I'm getting at

People who know me often wonder at my perceived eloquence in these blogs, be not deceived, I am the self-same Alex I always was. In conversation I frequently -- regularly in fact -- draw blanks, fire of on tangents, get lost for words, dreamily air off into other dimensions and many other things that make me seem as though I'm not paying attention. I readily admit that I often seem like I'm not paying attention due to the fact that I'm not paying attention, but this is not always the case. My mind doesn't often like to work as a unity, more frequently parts of it will explore other paths and concepts whilst the conscious me is attempting to concentrate on a single one. This is all well and good, but occasionally one of the errant explorers will hit upon something interesting enough to warrant serious thinking time, and thus my mind is diverted. Think of my conscious mind as the Prime Minister of Alex, most of the time making the decisions, most of the time deciding our policies and actions; but occasionally a minor minister or assistant will run in with Papers that they necessitate that I read. In such times, decision making is put on a hold.

Unfortunately, once one informant distracts the Prime Minister's attention, all the others want their say too. Once I accede to one thought all the others come flooding in, and there's no hope whatsoever of me staying on anything like a topic. This can, in practise, become trying.

I like writing these blogs, and other features too, as they allow me to -- as Napoleon said -- "take an idea for a walk" and see where it leads me. This is often confusing, as to labour an already strained metaphor, this is equivalent to the Prime Minister himself going to the constituency of one of his Ministers and sorting out all the problems personally. Pitching in with a trowel and mortar if he needs to.

That's what we should call Spades! Trowels! Also, I've never had to pluralise 'Trowel' anymore, and the word looks wrong. I hope I never have to pluralise it again...

These little paths of thought are, as you may have noticed, entirely useless and often completely surreal in their scope; but nonetheless important for me. With so many little voices ringing off in my head, I often wondered if any of them had anything poignant to say. As of yet, they do not; but if you bring up this page one day and I've solved global warming, tell me to listen to that part of my brain some more. I'm currently wondering if it has anything to do with the most socially unacceptable situation to go barefoot. A formal ball perhaps? Or maybe a funeral? Let's follow a string.

'Agents of Fortune' by Blue Oyster Cult is what you are to buy if you haven't already. The demo version of 'Don't Fear the Reaper' is uncomprehendably better than the album one.

- 3 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

  1. Sue

    It’s interesting that you say that you’re often not paying attention when you’re obviously paying a great deal of attention to your thoughts. Some might say “An inordinate amount of attention.” But I recognise you completely from your description.

    03 Nov 2008, 07:20

  2. Kinjal

    You know Spoons are very odd things, but surely they came before forks? Cos a fork just stabs…and cut with knives, but I mean you can use fingers for that. Infact, I eat most things with fingers being indian, though I always thought it was well strange when people use forks and knives for stuff like Noodles and Indian Food. But you can’t eat mango syrup with fingers =(. (Its called Russ, dunno if you’ve ever tried it. Not quite jooce, but not as thick as syrup, its gorgeous stuff. With cold rice, its delicious, though my family thinks im very odd to put the two together. Damn it, now i want some and feel horrifically home sick.) Hmm, I like reading your blogs :). Your one below is funny :]

    Hope you’re okay and enjoying the land of the gorgeous accents that is canada…

    :] x x

    03 Nov 2008, 17:37

  3. I read, I understand, I agree (in part).

    Before my fingers touched this keyboard but a second ago I thought those three sentiments were all I’d muster before falling face down onto my desk disappearing into a deep slumber but oddly now I seem to find myself splurging out words which perhaps mean little more than that I’m doing my best to hold myself up and postpone my falling forward…(taking a breath)...this is by no means the doing of your writing, far from it, I find your writing intriguing and strangely iterating some thoughts of my own, its interesting to see how you delve into issues or perhaps around all sides of them like some obscure quantum bullet refusing to immediately hit the target, instead with the bullet remaining entirely intact it simultaneously dashes through the multiple holes around the thing sealing it inside some Schrödinger’s box forever to be undetermined. No the simple reason for my great tendency towards head planting the desk is quite the contrary to how it first may seem, well how it may seem to someone who currently happened to be of the disposition to making rash assumptions which I’m sure you are not….no, the reason for me writing this is clearly not negative criticism, if I felt there was great need for any I am of the lazy sort who wouldn’t have bothered to waste the effort mentioning it. Truth be told I must admit your articles have kept me somewhat gripped to the screen, after new year’s celebrations followed by 7am wake up and many hours of incessantly boring work I find myself, now typing, instead of travelling the whole meter and half that there is to my bed.

    My point to this rambling…other than then the fact that at 3 in the morning I should really be in bed… keep writing, you seem to be pretty good at it!

    Oh, and regarding the spoon’s, I was once told (I think at the royal armoires in Leeds) that in medieval times before spoons (at least spoons of a respectable sort that could be seen upon lord and lady’s dining tables) people ate soup from large vats by plucking out the soggy bits of bread that had be left to float around in it but decided it was unhygienic and got some spoons instead. But that’s quite uninteresting, I’d much rather ignore that and image spoons came about some other way, perhaps an ear fell off the statue of David landing in Michael’s lunch, or it was received by some ancient Irish as a gift from the leprechauns except Ireland didn’t yet exist and it took place somewhere nearer the equator with the leprechauns looking much like banshee…hmm my cue to go to bed!

    I hope you’ve been having a marvellous time in Canada and I guess if I’m to conform I suppose I’ll add a happy new year to go with that too!


    02 Jan 2009, 03:04

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