All 9 entries tagged Funny

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November 02, 2005

How To Draw A Graph

I regularly get emails of the following nature:

Dear AndyAndyAndy, you are great at drawing graphs, how do you do it? Can I become a master graph artist too?

Drawing graphs takes years of training, you'll start off using beginner tools such as a ruler to aid in drawing lines, but eventually you'll be able to progress to 100% accurate freehand graphs. It's important to use colours too, try adding some nice contrast to make it look more interesting.

If your results appear to be more-or-less perfect, add in some anomalous results for that authentic graph appearance and don't forget to highlight any points of interest.

Finally, you don't have to be a scientist to draw graphs, even arts students can find things to draw graphs about. Why not correlate the ages at which Roman emperors were murdered with the number of uninvaded frontier nations at their time of death, the results may suprise you.

Here's a sample graph, it's quite good, nice colours and all:

So now you know how it's done, give it a try. Don't worry if results aren't pleasing at first, the skill comes with time, and remember, have fun!

May 15, 2005



It's the dude who does voiceovers.

April 13, 2005


Note: I did not come up with these jokes, I found them on SomethingAwful and they were probably stolen from somewhere else before that. Such is the internet. Anyway, without any further ado….

The Jokes

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Paint yourself green and throw forks at her

Q. How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
A. You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.

Q. What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
A. The Holocaust.

Q. Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A. Repeated absences and stealing.

Q. What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A. A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that lasts a lifetime.

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.
The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."
The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"

edit: some more

Q. What's the difference between a post box and a vagina?
A. A post box is a public container for the deposit of outgoing mail, and a vagina is the passage leading from the opening of the vulva to the cervix of the uterus in female mammals.

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies:
"I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existance and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

Q. Why was six afraid of seven?
A. It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

December 26, 2004

What I Got

Here's a list of all the wonderful things I got for Christmas:

  • A bag of A-grade Charcoal
  • A hot water bottle to stop me freezing at night
  • A box of Cadbury's Roses
  • A subscription to The Sun

I hope everybody's haul was as good as mine.

December 19, 2004

A Message For Hat–Lovers Everywhere

I realised today that I haven't produced a work-of-art in a while, so without further ado i'll present what can only be a familiar story for hat-lovers in the morning.

December 18, 2004

A Christmas List fit for Me.

Dear Santa and Friends

There are lots of awesome things I want for Christmas, so I am authoring this list in an attempt to make your job easier. Upon my receipt of these gifts you can expect to receive a National Lottery ticket soaked in Sherry.

  • The tastiest Apple Pie ever made
  • A device to prevent me running out of junk food
  • 1/12th of a blue-eyed menace
  • More special effects to be featured in day-to-day existance
  • My very own Starship
  • An excellent CV
  • A pint of Strawberry Jam
  • An excellent final part of Star Wars next Summer
  • A stick

Awesomely Yours

Andrew Ingram

December 17, 2004

Making the Blogs Awesome (featuring a Graph)

Recently there has been a lot of discussion about ways to improve the blogs, most of the ideas proposed have been practical and would probably work for the immediate future but would probably end up being hacks rather than efficiently implemented ideas. The following ideas are guaranteed to work and have additionally been highly recommended by Craig Charles (the man, the slob).

Use of NASA Monkeys

As everybody who has seen The Simpsons knows, NASA have some really clever monkeys in pretty powerful positions, I propose hiring some NASA monkeys and using them to aid in the efforts. Here's a graph

Use the Dan Lawrence "Scale of Awesomeness" to rate and list topics

This scale is can be used to rate anything from plankton to blogs to pie, once a rating has been given (out of 10, each user can vote) they are converted to a Relative Awesome Index (RAI) based on topic importance and suitable bacon content. The blog homepage would then list the top 20 topics (of the last few days) in descending order of RAI.

Create a special "Just for Academics" tool

Whilst I strongly suspect the student population outnumbers the staff, the staff are more important and therefore, relatively speaking, there are more of them. As a result I propose a tool which (whenever the current user is a registered member of staff, or someone known to be a conservative) converts the entire blog appearence and content into something more sophisticated. Here is a graphical illustration of such a conversion:

In effect, we'd be hiding the true nature of the blogs in order to make them appeal to the academic types in order to draw them into this dark and wonderful world of wisdom and ham.

October 15, 2004

Sam wants WooHoo (+3,500)

Sam can't move though, Sam is surrounded by four chairs and is too silly to move them.

This is a direct reference to The Sims 2 where every single sim wants WooHoo (Sex) with as many sims as possible, they don't care if it's guy or girl or maybe the creepy old guy from next door, as long as they preceed the WooHoo with the following:


*Share Interests

*Entertain (Joke)

*Hug (Friendly)

*Appreciate (Backrub)

*Kiss (peck)

*Flirt (caress)

*Kiss (make out)


Of course, none of this is possible if Sam can't escape from his cunning prison of cheap chairs.

Visit Sam's Blog to assist him in his plight

October 14, 2004

Let's discuss Jelly Babies*

*and other colourful and delightful snacks

The best colour Jelly Baby is the red one, be careful not to get this confused with the pink one (which doesn't even deserve the sensation that is to rest on my tongue for a few seconds before being thoroughly masticated).

So to reiterate, Red Jelly Babies Are The Best.

Now we'll move onto Skittles. I don't want to taste the Rainbow, I want to be able to buy a packet of Red Skittles, none of the other ones. Red Skittles are truly delicious. If you disagree then you're wrong, Red Skittles are the best.

Now for the final item on my list, Smarties. Smarties are a difficult one since only a very small part of each Smartie (Smarty?) actually has a varying flavour, after eating several tubes before exams (in the hope that they truly have the answer) I reached the conclusion that the Orange ones are probably the best. So for Smarties, it's Orange not Red, that's Orange.


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