May 08, 2005

Why, as a gay man, I abhor the gay scene

From my experience gay urban culture is characterised by a lack of respect, intolerance, selfishness and egotism. The gay nightclub, bar scenes and saunas are little more than glorified cattle markets observing a Darwinist pecking order according to superficial physical appearances, where souls are destroyed through unrestrained liberal hedonism. Lustful greed, promiscuity and schadenfreude for the losers are rife. The haunts, are therefore cruel breeding grounds for misery, cynicism and bitterness. Machiavels exploit the physically saleable and while both may 'have fun,' giving vent to their adolescant single-orientated mindsets they will suffer in the long term as they gradually realise the unsustainability and increasingly unrewarding nature of their addicted lifestyles. Meanwhile the timid, self concious and undesirable for aesthetically defective, will suffer painfully in the shadows, tortured, in cruel irony to the social equality that we preach so vociferously as we parade our banners and our bodies during Pride Marches. We must remember that not everyone is, nor has the capacity to be a mental Hercules, not to speak of a physical Adonis.
Homosexuality between consenting adult men or women (where it may be reasonably presumed that each is mature enough to understand the consequences of their actions) is not wrong per se; certainly not because unsubstantiated biblical passages from Leviticus and Romans dogmatically so state. It is, in any case, unrealistic for the literate and informed modern population to unquestioningly accept religious scripture verbatim. However, though idealism may incite me to state otherwise, the nocturnal scene lifestyle followed by many gay people, a lifestyle that is actively promoted at our peril, is fundamentally flawed. I believe that this largely attributable to the perception among gay people that there are no alternative fora for finding matches – whereas the opposite is often true. GLBT social groups and hobby groups exist, but sadly do not receive the same publicity as the commercially run exploitative haunts.
Until gay relationships are unremittedly accepted and normalised by society through institutionalisation (e.g. single sex marriage) and and can flourish respecting moral norms outside hermetic gay venues; until civilised debates motion constructive criticism on well argued grounds and until we have the courage to detract ourselves from a ruinous lifestyle centred around nightclubs, where drinking and substance abuse foster we can expect mental instability, depression and suicide within the gay population to continue.

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  1. Thomas Paine

    I would caution against saying that one kind of relationship or sex life is better than another, as you seem to be doing. For some people, a long term monogamous relationship is what suits them best, whilst others (perhaps those with a high sex drive) might want to play the field and not have the time for a serious relationship. Each of those options, and everything in-between, might suit those people perfectly well at a particular time in their life for reasons which a lot of people might not understand. The important thing, I believe, is to let everyone find their own way without judgement. I also believe it is important to be honest about what you want from someone. If someone is looking for a one night stand and is up front about it, fine, but if they knowingly let someone fall for them when they know they won't be able to reciprocate, that is when people get hurt.

    As for your comments about the importance of physical attraction and the resultant pecking order, well, attraction will always play a part in who gets laid more. If the ideal body type for men changed overnight from being a buff young thing to an overweight physique, for example, there would still be some people who might complain because they don't fit that ideal. Perhaps you might take comfort in the fact that fashions change…

    08 May 2005, 23:52

  2. I anticipated that this entry might receive criticism… First of all, I am speaking from my own experiences, first and second hand – and for this reason I wouldn't wish to comment on hetrosexual courting norms. I concede that because I have Asperger's syndrome – a form of high functioning autism that notably has a debilitating effect on social interaction – I find dating and 'reading' body language notably difficult, which is why I have had some very dispiriting experiences. Even so I stand by my views. Contrary to what you write I do feel that I understand that differences exist between the expectations in life of different individuals. I am NOT judging those who wish to play the field in the short term because they are pressed for time or because they have elevated libidos or for whatever other reason, I simply wish they would show visible respect to those who happen not to be 18, ectomorphic or mesomorphic. Perhaps I am old fashioned in thinking so. I am not neive – I realise that the playing field will always be sloping, but intolerance should never be tolerated. Not being acklowledged is harsh enough but I have watched over and over again men older than myself being mocked in clubs, their way being obstructed and their dignity degraded by insulting, immature lads who think they can do whatever the hell they please because of the way they look. Having lately experienced being lied to myself I entirely agree with you that intentionally misleading the other person can be very hurtful. Furthermore, precisely because I have dealt with rejection, misunderstanding and, recently, as I said, downright mendacity – without beating about the bush I have an average to attractive body type – I can emphasise with the unheard majority, who happen not to conform to the rather timeless – don't you think?! – images published in glossy magazines.

    Coming, now, onto the second axis of my assertion I take the view, within reason I think, that because the gay scene is so 'phallocentric': constructed around ephemoral materialistic desires, that gay men who do not broaden their horizons will suffer rather than gain lasting and substantial happiness, despite what they might claim. The problem, needless to say is particularly endemic among gay men because the average male sex drive is necessarily doubled.

    09 May 2005, 12:16

  3. John

    This is the best description of the problems of the “gay scene” that I’ve read. It matches my own viewpoint exactly. I’ve now withdrawn from the gay scene entirely as I believe it is destructive in the long-term. I also agree with your analysis that alternatives will not prosper until homosexuality is fully accepted by mainstream society.

    07 Jan 2007, 11:45

  4. Robert

    This answer fits well with my depictions of the “gay” community as well. I feel gay people can only be embraced when people are no longer divided into sub-categories, and are all accepted legitimately as children of God.

    It is such a struggle for me to find a partner who has old values that I really desire in order to build a secure family life!

    08 Feb 2007, 06:17

  5. Joe

    I have been in a long term relationship since the age of 16, i am now 36 and totally new to the gay scene. I am mortified to find how shallow most men seem to be… one night stands aplenty and ego driven boasts of the previous shag… normally followed by how awful the other person was in the sack… and i am talking about the older guys doing the slating here… its really repulsed me just how immature and shallow older guys can be… its all so pathetic. I am now 36 and it is indeed a very strange age to be… despite the fact i am told repeatedly that i look far younger, i have been “rejected” merely by being one whole year over the “criteria”... and i am not old enough to fit th requirements of guys that prefer 40+, therefore i am in the “criteria twilight zone!” Sure, we all get rejected at times but i am fast becoming very aware that the gay scene is definately not for me… as it is often rejection or if successful, there is the risk of being labelled as crap in the sack to all and sundry within 24 hours… i do not fancy putting myself through either… i have decided therefore to just accept that the scene is what it is… i will not find my ideal on the gay scene thats for sure…

    26 Jun 2007, 22:56

  6. Darryl

    I reached the conclusion a while ago that the gay scene devours people in a way which leaves them totally different characters to the wide-eyed innocents who first stepped into such places. I’m in my 20s and could see the scene was centred around selishness, nastiness and complete ruthlessness. I’m in the UK, a quietly gay man and don’t see why I should follow a scirpt of hedonism and Machiavellian politicking. But so many people I’ve known do!

    I regularly met liars, cheats and damaged types who kept falling into the same vicious circles and then wondering why their lives were so mesed-up. I saw the misery which lurks behind the birght lights, hedonism and drugs. I saw people turn from decent types who didn’t drink to monsters falling over and buying the line that selfishness and using people is king.

    I was a lucky one, I always cushioned myself from it to a certain extend, though I still got my fingers burnt. I now use the scene in a way that doesn’t subscribe to the fake views pushed by its many followers, I see it for what it is and not in some fanatical ‘this is life’ way.

    Your article is a harsh truth to many gay people for all the right reasons, for it challenges their whole belief system and illuminates it for the flawed and dangerous lifestyle it is.

    Move away from the crowd, be an individual who ggets respected and admired and – more of all – live your life honestly and with thought for your own actions.

    14 Jul 2007, 10:09

  7. Tan Gentile

    I’m 56 now and have been dating men since age 31. My longest relationship was with a woman-a noncohabiting association, which lasted almost a year-but I’ve never been in doubt that my real fulfillment can only come from union with another man. I have been shocked at the wastefulness of gay men in dating; they toss one another away as if eager to do so, without any regard for the good in the present or the greater potential. I do blame institutionalised gay culture for blessing such dysfunctional behaviour. I have a romanticised view of pre-Stonewall days; perhaps, despite the miserable legal situation, men sought out more romantic and enduring attachments in the days of slow-dancing, cufflinks and martinis! I’m no longer a young thing, but because I’m a youthful middle-aged chap, I’m considered too young for the ones who want father figures. Like the commentator above, I’m consigned to a twilight category which appeals to few. Nevertheless, I’m approached by women both young and middle-aged who would like to date me. I’m convinced of my own eligibility; I feel I have a great deal to offer a partner, both in physical and emotional terms; but I’ve never been given much value in the marketplace. I keep dating via gay websites, hoping it’s a numbers game and that perhaps the million-and-oneth fellow I meet for a drink will have some idea of how to connect to a whole person and why it’s worth doing so! My sympathies are with the fellows on this page—which I found quite by chance.

    05 Oct 2007, 11:55


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