September 30, 2007

A good night out

Just got back from the pub quiz at the Monkfield Arms in Cambourne with a few colleagues from work.  We had a good night - we came joint second in the first round (earning us £8 of drinks vouchers for next time) and first in the second round (earning us the pot to split between us)!

With a stonking 16/20 correct answers in the second round, we wiped the floor with everyone else, and netted a tenner each.  Subtracting the £1.20 I paid to enter the quiz, I made a cool £8.80 tonight :)

Additionally, after two pints of well-tended Pedigree (the Monkfield Arms is a Marston's pub, after all) on nothing more than a not-quite-ripe apple, I'm a little tipsy :)  I can't remember the last time I felt this good!

Slightly negatively, though, realising how much tonight has taken my mind off things, and how quickly tonight has flown by, makes me remember what it is that my mind has been diverted from.  That's putting a small dampener on things, but I'm on a bit of an alcohol-fuelled high at the moment, so I should be ok until tomorrow morning at the earliest.  

The weekend's been a tough one, and it always seems that just when I'm done crying there's a fresh burst of grief waiting for me around the corner.  The suddenness of everything hit me hard this weekend, and I had another long cry this afternoon.  I also said something particularly nasty to my Mum that I completely regret, and that I wish I could take back, and I can't believe she's being so understanding about the whole thing.   I'm really starting to understand how lucky I am to have parents as loving and supportive of me as they are, and I couldn't be getting through this without them.  

I also need to thank my friends, five in particular and I hope you know who you are, for all the support they have given me; a couple of them have been so amazingly supportive and caring at a time when I was feeling so lost and alone, and I'm so utterly grateful to you all for everything.  If you're noticing that I haven't been in touch recently and are missing me, I apologise greatly; there are a few things I need to sort out myself, and they are requiring me to put a little bit of distance between me and you, but I promise this is only temporary.  

Additionally, I'm constantly battling with myself to keep the emotional distance between myself and Zoë.  I know I need to keep this distance for the foreseeable future, but there's so much exciting stuff to share with her, and so much that I want to say, that's it's proving very difficult to keep a lid on it.  I'm sharing it with other people, but not having her in my life at all is proving very difficult.  I know what I want to say won't change anything in terms of the situations that we are now in, but I do hope that it will smooth over some of the crevasses that have appeared in the last few weeks.  I'm just not ready to tackle that, though, and I don't yet know when I will be; to get back in touch now, however much I want to, would only open myself up to a new world of pain and I can't do that until the pain will be numbed by time and distance and all those other things that people keep telling me about.  

The whole thing is made harder by the fact that the person that I love is gone, maybe permanently, maybe temporarily.  Zoë is no longer the person that I fell in love with; she has changed so much in the last two months, more than I thought possible, and it is painfully apparent to me that the person that she is now doesn't want me, and, to some extent, the "old" Zoë doesn't want me anymore either.  The photos of her that I see of Zoë shows her looking the same on the outside — obviously — and I remember the Zoë that I love and all the happy memories, pain and grief that goes with the fact that I'm no longer with her, and no longer able to be with her.  What I struggle with is keeping sight of the fact that I don't love the new Zoë, and this is because there's too much that reminds me of the old Zoë.  I'm struggling to live and cope with the fact that she's so different now, and every so often, like this afternoon, it hits me in a new wave of grief and pain and I burst into tears afresh.

All in all, though, I am right now feeling the best I have done in weeks, and I can only hope this will spill over into the new week.   The likelihood of me waking up feeling shit again tomorrow is greatly reduced, I hope, and I've got some good ideas to mention to my manager at our one-on-one tomorrow :)

There will be some form of further update at some point in the future.  With my life in flux quite so much at the moment, it won't be as soon as I might like, but I promise you, dear reader, that there will be a new post.  


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