All 2 entries tagged Cracker

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January 16, 2007

Cracker Watch – 6 months on

Follow-up to Cracker Watch from Draknek's Deprecated Devlog

Mairead, in her deluded fashion, has decided that a cracker, if left outside of a cracker jar, will eventually go mouldy.

Rather than pat her on the head and say, “Yes, deary,” (followed by running away quickly), I decided to prove her wrong in the greatest scientific experiment ever performed on a cracker.

That was 6 months ago. Our highly trained team of scientists have been examining the cracker in microscopic detail since then, and today I’m happy to announce that it is absolutely mould-free. Hopefully, my critics will realise their mistake and issue a full retraction shortly.

Here are the latest photos of the entirely mouldless cracker:

Cracker (top side) Cracker (bottom side)


September 10, 2006

Cracker Watch

Mairead, in her deluded fashion, has decided that a cracker, if left outside of a cracker jar, will eventually go mouldy.

Rather than pat her on the head and say, “Yes, deary,” (followed by running away quickly), I decided to prove her wrong in the greatest scientific experiment ever performed on a cracker.

And so began the arduous task of photographing the cracker. These photos were provided to the scientific community to examine and verify my results. So far, no scientist has found a trace of mould in these images.

However, before the project had even reached the two month mark, disaster struck. The cracker was missing from its fortified storage location. The guards, after extensive questioning, realised that they had not necessarily seen the cracker since its last test, two weeks prior.

Someone was a cracker-thief.

Someone who probably also answered my phone so that I wouldn’t find out that my juggling balls had arrived. That’s just the type of thing that a cracker-thief would do.

Suspect #1: Ian Hazelden

Look at that grin on his face. If that’s not the grin of a cracker-thief, I don’t know what is.

Ian has unparalleled access to the storage room, often wandering in for the sole purpose of annoying me. I am confident that he would happily eat the cracker, even if not particularly hungry. Ian was aware of the experiment, but this would not have stopped him from eating the cracker, and might even encourage him to do so.

Suspect #2: Mairéad

Look at that ugly grimace on her face. If that’s not the grimace of a cracker-thief, I don’t know what is.

Mairead has the most to lose from the cracker experiment’s conclusions. Disrupting it would keep herself from being proved wrong once again. She also bears several violent grudges against me, the most recent of which being when I completely destroyed her while playing Risk.

On at least two occasions, she has had easy access to the storage room.

Suspect #3: Christopher Hunter

Like Mairead, Chris had recently been humiliated in a game of Risk. However, he is unlikely to have taken this personally.

Being unaware of the cracker experiment, it is possible that he may have seen a tasty-looking (and non-mouldy) cracker lying about, and simply decided to eat it. This would not be out of character.

Since he left to go to work when everyone else stayed sleeping in the tent, he had fewer opportunities to eat the cracker than Mairead.

Suspect #4: Paul Hennell

Hennell was at least aware that there was something going on with the cracker, so is unlikely to have eaten it accidentally.

However, he might have eaten it in the hope that it would cure whatever illness he was suffering from on the trip to Hay-on-Wye. In this case, he might ignore the scientific value of the experiment for his own benefit.

This is not very likely, since to the best of my knowledge, crackers have no restorative healing powers.

Suspect #5: Peter Sparks

Pete probably didn’t eat or steal the cracker.


New blog location

After a hiatus of several years, I’ve started blogging again at blog.draknek.org.

My website

Looking for more information about Alan Hazelden? Follow me on Twitter or go to my website.

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