Having spent nearly 5 terms in and around the Spa, it seems now would be a good time to point out the highlights for future generations. These are not necessarily as spectacular as the Hanging Gardens of Babylon. Nor are they quite so substantial as the Pyramids. However, they have fascinated me in small, superficial and ultimately pointless ways. So without further ado, here are the Seven Wonders of Leamington Spa:
- The ever flushing urinals of Robins Well Trust me, they never stop. I can't comment on whether women will ever experience a toilet in a constant state of self cleaning, as I am not privy to the, presumably, pristine state of the women's facilities.
- The waterless "facilities" of Sugar Urban legend tells us that they turn off the water to force you to buy bottled water once you've had too much vodbull. One things for sure – unflushable toilets create a stench. And washing your hands with redbull isn't the same.
- The 8pm Oriental Star rush If you fancy dining at the Star, do not go at 8pm. However, by 9pm the whole place is empty. I'm unsure as to whether this says more about the Star, or about the dining habits of Leamington.
- Suicidal Pedestrians Apparently, those strange Government ads about road safety never aired in Leamington. Combined with the fact that those from Leamington Spa do not fear death (ask around, its true), Leamington locals will not think twice (nor, for that matter, will they look twice) about stepping out into the road, no matter what vehicle is heading for them, and no matter what speed it is travelling.
- The dubious legal nature of some of the Sun in Splendour's services Again, urban legend has it that the Sun in Splendour, on Tachbrook Road, doubles as a whore house. When the goat is outside, the hoes are in session. I stress urban legend – don't come complaining to me if it turns out to be a lie (and in fact, shame on you for trying).
- Flames The lesser known cousin of Vialli's – Its on Radford Road and its seven-hundred and thirteen times better. Only ever seen to have closed once, the lovely chappies will cook for you any time of day or night, and even furnish you with the local rag to amuse yourself for five minutes. A must on the way home from any given night out. Even if it was a night out to a curry house or some such meal.
- The sign on the bridge on Willes Road Granted, this may not be important to many. But if you plan on taking a quick route back to Radford Road from Sugar (and really you should, a red bull jacket fails compared to a beer jacket), you ought to be crossing this bridge. And what better way to commemorate your journey than to read this dedication to yourself. Or to others, should you be so inclined. Now, I have no idea what it says, primarily because I cannot remember the journey home on many occasions. However, it must always be read.
So there you have it. Suck on that, world. The Spa has got you by the nads.