All entries for July 2006

Sea/flower/Spring

I don't know if I should start writing with English or Chinese. I wanted to use Chinese, for the simple reason that the poem concerned here is in Chinese; but I can not use Chinese, for the ideas that I have in mind seems unspeakable in Chinese.

The limit of my language is the limit of my world. I believe in Wittgenstein.

But this sort of Sapir–Whorf hypothesis does not with poet. The poet is ''priest, prophet and legislator for mankind'' . They are the explorers of the boundaries, not the mere observers.

Haizi, my favorite poet, obviously were not bound by his language. He died at the age of 23, and left me the poem that I can never get away with.

I won't even attempt to translate it. It would be horrible if it is translated into English. I can only retell it.

From tomorrow on, I decide to be a happy man.
Feed my horse, chop the firewood, and travel around the world.
Form tomorrow on, I start to care about grain and vegetables.
I have a house,
Which faces the sea, in a warm blooming spring.

from tomorrow on, I will write to all members in my family,
I will tell them my happiness,
And whatever I get from the shock of the happiness,
I decided that I will tell everyone.

Find a warm name for every river, every mountain as well,
And strangers, too, I will pray for you,
I wish you will have a prosperous future,
I wish you will marry the one that you love.
I wish you get all the happiness you deserve in the worldly world.
While for me, I only wish to
Face the sea, in a warm blooming spring.

I loved the poem from the first time I read it. And I felt very sad at the death of the poet. Haizi committed suicide, at the age of 23. Out side the Jiayu gate of the Great Wall, he lied down at the rail, and let the train run over his body.

I believe poets are born to be more sensitive than other common human beings. When I said this is my dream in high school, friends laughed at me because they believe the only way to be happy is to earn money and get rich, rather than to daydreame about the sea, the house, the flower and the spring.

I gave up that "house by the sea in a blooming spring" dream years ago. Where is that house, the one that is by the sea, in the blooming warm spring? I no longer bother to think about it. it does not exist anyway. It is the poet's imagination; it is the poet's fantasy. Plus he is already dead. That dream died with him I guess. I forgot Haizi for years, and I forgot his death as well. I never really understand why a promising young lecturer in the most famous Chinese university will ruin himself like that. I always believe that he would have earned enough money for that house if he just waited a few more years.

I thought I grow up. There are so many things that we have to worry about in our lives, and that sea side house just does not exist. It is more practical to keep oneself busy with earning money and raising kids, rather than fantasizing things that do not exist.

And it is on this strange summer afternoon, that I sat on the beach in the Belgara park, that I suddenly remembered this poem, and wrote these silly lines for myself, in case the busy and fussy life will erase the last trace of this fine memeory.

Xiu Wang : 30 Jul 2006 08:13 |  Tags: Thoughts |  Comments (1) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

beer/weed/firework etc

The family went for the Italy night of 'Vancouver Celebration of Light' yesterday. We arrived at the English Bay at around 7 pm and the beach was already quite crowded. We sat behind a group of high school kids. In colorful bathing suits, the girls look gorgeous and tanned; the boys are tall and handsome as well. They made a quite nice scenery on the beach, and we enjoyed watching them playing guitar, singing and screaming.
At some point, the policemen came and checked their bags, and found BEER! It is illegal to consume alcohol in any open public places in Vancouver, and the kids were really frightened by the police. Luckily the police just required them to pour out all the beer and did not really make a big fuss over it. I guess it is becasue they are 'kids',and I knew there are people actually get into much more serious trouble because of the same thing.
The sun set down at around ten, and the enthusiastic radio started playing very loud music with very provocative questions like ' Vancouver, are you ready?!' The young kids in front of us got really high and start smoking. Winny told me that they were smoking weed. I never smelled weed, and it does not have a pleasant smell at all. The funniest part is that five minutes after they started smoking, Edward fell into sleep. I guess it must because of the weed effect, because he was very active only a few minutes ago and almost suddenly he fell down and slept. There was no way to wake him up, and then the firework started.
I felt a bit annoyed at first. I spend 4 hours on the beach to let Edward see the firework, and he fell asleep only 3 minutes before it started! It was fine afterwards, because Edward waked up on our way back home and actually enjoyed the steet lights along the road.
The family had a ?heated? discussion on the ?weed? bunch. Some believe that they are a just corrupted generation beyond any remedy. I disagree. Yes, beer on the beach, or weed in public might be wrong, at least illegal. But corrupted kids? No. Every kid will have to go through this 'rebellious' period, and the 'saying no' thing will have to come out in one way or the other.
I don?t know what I might react in ten years time if I caught Edward smoking weed. I might just tell him the story about this night, which I remembered not because of the firework, but because of the beer, the weed and the kids whom I believe are good kids.

Xiu Wang : 28 Jul 2006 09:24 |  Tags: Thoughts |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Vancouver Sunshine

Today is my second day in Vancouver. Edward waked me up in the morning, cheerfully pointing at the window "Mummy, look! Daylight!!" I still felt very sleepy and almost dizzy, so I reached for my watch: it says 9 o'clock. Well, it seems already a decent time for a 4 year old to wake up his mum, I think. So I reluctantly crawled out of my bed, changed my pajamas, took Edward downstairs and made him some breakfast. It was until he finished his food that I looked up at the clock: eeeeeeeeh? Half past six? Then I realized the stupid jet lag, and my watch was telling me the CHINESE time!!
Anyway, there is no way to put Edward back to bed since he is already up. I took him to a nearby park and he really had a good time there. I sat on the bench and watching him climbing up and down the slides, laughing and screaming all the time. I really envy him for his energy! We came back home after one hour, and started to play bubbles in the backyard. We competed with each other to see who blows the bigger bubble and whose bubble flies higher… I felt like a child again.
Now it is Edward who is typing! He is curious about my typing and wants to try! Well, it is nice to conclude here with this sentence typed by Edward!!

Xiu Wang : 26 Jul 2006 18:07 |  Tags: Life |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

flying pig

Once upon a time, there was a small pig. Every one calls it "piggy". Piggy dreamed of flying, but all her friends made fun of her by saying "silly piggy, pigs dont fly!"
Piggy wont give up her dream, and one day God was moved and decided to give piggy a very special gift: a pair of pink wings. That day piggy waked up in the morning, and was surprised and happy to see the wings on her back. Ever since that, pigg flies happily from one place to the other, and all her friends were amazed: look! Pigs do fly!
Well… what a stupid story! but now it seems that i become such a flying pig! At Hong Kong airport, killing my time again…

Xiu Wang : 24 Jul 2006 07:41 |  Tags: Life |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Waiting

Heathrow again. Still waiting… This journey back home is just "lovely"!!!
Good thing is that I got ungraded to business class——a small treat from the God to show that he still is taking care of me. Thank You!!

Xiu Wang : 21 Jul 2006 09:52 |  Tags: Life |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

last call

seems i still do not deserve the last chance.
Heading for hotel…

Xiu Wang : 20 Jul 2006 21:55 |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Lounge

Staying in the lounge, holding my last bit of hope for the next flight. Although I don't think the luck is on my side, I still prefer to wait. Yvonne was making fun of my recent disastrous experiences of flying home by saying that 'this is a sign that you should not leave anyway'. I had a good laugh over that. Yesterday when she and I decided to have a mid-night walk around the lake, it started raining, and she said the same thing: this is a sign that you should sleep? How many times that the benevolent God/Buddha has been showing me the right way of life? I still remember some time ago, in the Tomoko Takahashi's crash course, http://www.warwickartscentre.co.uk/events/mead I picked up a picture from the trash, which says ''the safe way is the best way''. Maybe it is true. But sometime we are just unwilling to take things as they are, and we just want to see whether some effort will make a difference. Like what I am doing now: although I know there might be no chance at all that I can get on the next flight, I am still sitting in the airport and waiting. Pathetic, or respectful human nature? I am not fighting against you, God; I am just trying everything I can to make my life the way I want it to be.
I try whatever I can, you decide whatever I deserve. Fair enough.

Xiu Wang : 20 Jul 2006 21:02 |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

damn

just be informed that the flight was cancelled and wont be ready until tomorrow… God, i just thanked u for giving me a sweet life, and look how u answered my good will…

Xiu Wang : 20 Jul 2006 17:10 |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

heathrow

Finally at Heathrow again.
Have been in this Cathay Lounges for many times, and every time I stick with this seat and this desktop: the second row, the second from the right. I might be that kind of silly and stubborn type————–I prefer something old/familiar than anything new/strange.
This might explain why I was very upset yesterday and this morning. Ever since I took off all the posters, pictures and photos off from the wall, I started to feel really really depressed. Every picture that I put on the wall tells me a story, either of a chat with a friend on a sunny afternoon, or a movie with somebody on a weekend evening, or of a restless night that I failed to write anything. When I took them off the wall one by one, my enthusiasm of going home simply faded bit by bit.
This morning, when the girl who is going to be the next tenet came, I really feel reluctant to give her the key. She checked everything in the room——–basically there is nothing left I would say———and she was satisfied. She locked up my (now her) room, said 'thank you' politely and left. I had to take all my stuff to the kitchen and waited for the taxi there. Luckily I've got friends with me———imagine what if I have to stay in the kitchen all by myself! So I actually have nothing to complain. But the whole stupid idea of feeling reluctant to let go of my Heronbank life is still floating in the air.
I later found myself actually crying on the National Express, like a complete idiot! I really don't know why and how. Last time I was ok on National Express, because a flatmate knows me so well that she decided to accompany me all the way to the airport, but I cried like hell on the flight and scared the old man sitting next to me. This time since I already cried on the coach, I bet I will be alright on the flight (well, let's just wait and see?)
But I do look forward to going home. I feel myself melting thinking of Edward's smile. I called him just now, and heard his cheerful scream; he told me that he had moved everything back to 26A and he had his whole day scheduled and he will go and pick me up, and he was actually expecting to pick me up today because he thought I was going back on a rocket, and it took Charly quite a while to make him believe no rocket can fly at that speed? I smiled at the phone, and cried again like an idiot!
At that moment I suddenly feel very very thankful to God, or Fate or whatever Divine power that gave me this chance of living this life. All my stupid depressions come out of the fact that there are so many good things happening in my life that I almost can not digest the old ones before something better turns up. My Heronbank was a very nice episode, and I might not even have time to reflect its sweet aftertaste because I have to move forward. I am not complaining, nor should I, if the coming life is going to be even sweeter. But I do believe some years later, on some very quiet and peaceful afternoon somewhere on this planet, I might get back to this episode again———either in a cup of freshly brewed mint tea, or in the then–classic song of ''crazy''?

Xiu Wang : 20 Jul 2006 16:58 |  Tags: Thought |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

bye

leaving in one and a half hour
just wake up. had a weird dream, saying goodbye to all sorts of weird friends, primary school friends, high school, university ones…
seems I am getting a bit upset about leaving…
But the moment I see edward, i guess i will completely forget the whole idea of "ethics of location" hahahaha… after all, he is my ancher i guess.

Xiu Wang : 20 Jul 2006 09:30 |  Tags: Life |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem