Over the past couple of days I have learnt a lot of the answers to the most important questions in life. For example, it is indeed possible to convince someone with no memory of the night before that he bought gay porn off eBay.
However, there was one revelation that stood out from the rest. Never again shall the phrase "oh no we can't have a bbq somebody has nicked it :(" be uttered, as this problem can simply be solved by using an empty tin of cadbury's heros and the grill from an oven.
First, find a suitably fat person to eat the chocolate, and discard the lid, we won't be needing it. Now find an open area, and begin the bbq as normal, that is put a small bag of coal in the tin and light it. At this point, it is recommended to punch small holes in the side of the tin to allow for more efficient burning. It is also a good idea to position your bbq in such a way that the smoke blows directly towards other people and scares them off.
20 minutes later, and you're ready to cook. For four people, it has been decided that 3 pounds of burgers should be sufficient, along with cheese and baps, and a shit load of ketchup. Please note, flipping the burgers can be dangerous as the grill is in no way attached to the tin, and so can fly off in different directions burning whatever it comes into contact with.
After eating and being merry, we come to disposal. Through a vicious process of trialling, it is NOT recommended to take your home made bbq back into the kitchen of your corridor and douse it in water. This only results in the leaking of ashy water all over the top of the freezer you left it on, and the consequent washing of said freezer.
Of course, if you're as drunk as we were you wouldn't care.
EDIT : i think it's worth noting what actually happened on the fateful eve that was last night.
Me and some mates from home (luke and wilmo) went up to lancaster to see our mate rick. Upon arriving, after a stupidly expensive train journey, we decided to have the BBQ, but when we got to rick's hall, it appeared that the bbq had been "robbed". Not people to be deterred, we constructed the bbq as above, to the amazement of the few other people who were out and about. We later blamed the water in the kitchen on "the freezer is leaking", until it was pointed out that freezers don't leak all over the top of themselves.
The consuming continued, with a litre of vodka going down fairly rapidly to a game of aces, which culminated in many accusations of cheating and a consequent water/beer/any form of liquid fight. We had successdully ruined the kitchen, so we moved on.
Wilmo heads to the shower to rid his body of the alcohol we had smothered him in, and rick decides it would be a good idea to "smoke" him out. Enter the powder based fire extinguisher. After several attempts at breaking the protective seal, we get it going, and proceed to empty the contents under the door of the cubicle wilmo was in. Seconds later, wilmo flies through the corridor screaming "AARRGG MY LUNGS ARE BURNING". This cracks us up, and then we realise that the entire bathroom is now a swirling mass of powder, and we have an empty fire extinguisher, which turns out not to be quite so empty in a test we had.
Here comes lesson 2 of the day, if having emptied a fire extinguisher full of powder into a bathroom, the best way to clean it up is not to flood it. All this achieves is the clog up the plugs, and leave massive piles of soggy powder everywhere. With the bathroom ruined, and ourselves sufficiently inebriated, we head to the event, a Lancaster end of year event known as Extrav.
We are accompanied in our outing by a big, fluffy, cuddly orange fish. This proves a useful gimic, as we wandered about encouraging people to "kiss the fish", which provided us with many interesting videos. Wilmo also tried to use this approach to pick up women, which brings us to lesson 3, a big cuddly fish significantly increases your chances of hooking up. Most of the night was spent looking for one another, at the bar, or pretending to mosh to the shoddy tribute bands that were playing, although by this point my memory begins to become a little hazy, they could have been awesome.
The event winds down, me and luke begin to head home, however neither of us know where rick is, we just assume wilmo headed off with a girl he eventually managed to ensnare with the fish. Rosanna, a friend of rick, takes us to someone's room, where rick has been hiding. He, however, does not want to leave, convinced wilmo is hiding somewhere in the room. Eventually we get back, although there is still no sign of wilmo.
15 minutes later i pass out on the kitchen table, breaking several plates in my attempt to make a comfortable bed out of it.
Several hours later i awaken. The end of my belt is immersed in a frying pan full of water, and i am generally soaked. I think little of it, and wander down the corridor towards rick's room, at which point i am met by one of his hall mates, who enquires "Dude, what the fuck happened to your face?". I am instantly as curious as he, hurry to ricks room and consult the mirror. My face is covered in what appears to be black marker, but turns out luckily to be eye liner. My confusion is doubled when i look around the room, expecting to see everyone, but only see luke asleep on ricks bed. I vow vengence to the people who wet and drew on me, and collapse on the floor.
8am. Wilmo wanders in the door in a sleeping bag, confessing to spending the last several hours on the floor of a different kitchen. He finds space on the floor and falls asleep.
12am. Still no sign of rick. Another of his friends comes in, realises rick has left his ebay account signed in, and we buy gay porn on his account to be delivered to his mum. However, his credit card is rejected by PayPal, so our mission was thwarted.
1pm. Rick emerges, and i am filled in of what happened whilst i was unconcious on the table. In a fit of rage, rick had managed to pull the casing off the light in his room and thrown it out of his window, along with seemingly everything else he cared to lay his hands on. He then disappeared to a different block, where he passed out on someone's floor. We assess the level of destruction.
Kitchen : broken crockery everywhere, ash stains the freezer and there is generally water everywhere
Bathroom : the powder situation has not improved. The cleaner is most seriously displeased.
Rick's Room : devastated. The fish broke at the event, and thus has "bled" all over his room. There is also a large portion of his belongs all over the grass outside his block
All in all, a great night. Fact.
19 Aug 2005 15:19
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