Things I Love

My therapist recently explained to me that if my mental condition is ever going to improve I'm going to have to "lighten the hell up". The following entry is about a few things I've learned (slowly) to not hate so damned much. And who knows, maybe even… love.

PENS

Who dosen't love these little guys? You can use them to write words like "egg" and "pinny". You can draw with them. You can stick a little flag on them and use them to conquer a very small country. What can't you do with a pen?

CUMMERBUNDS

Man are these things useful! They go around your stomach, which is great, because you never know when your intestines might suddenly start leaking out through your belly button. I once knew a guy who was getting beaten up by some thugs, and a cummerbund just swooped in and saved the day. I was I was a cummerbund!

HIPPOS

Nature's friendliest, funnest animal! They dance around like ice skaters, but talk like Irish people. You can dress them up in little white socks and make them call you "daddy". You can watch them while they use a peice of chicken wire to slowly garotte a wolf to death. And they eat common household pests like greenfly and David Hasselhoff.

FROSTIES

Frosties are a lovely happy breakfast cereal, all sweet and tasty. They really love you. They care for you. They wouldn't corner you in a supermarket and lick your eyeballs. They wouldn't put on a mask and wave a blowtorch in front of your face in a menacing fasion. They certainly wouldn't hunt you down force you to eat parts of your own spine. No, they're just nice sugary cereal.

Well I think this has been healthy. I'll keep you posted on my rehabilitation into society as I progress…

: 06 Jul 2005 00:12 |  Comments (10) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

My Awful Poetry: The Idiot

I once knew this guy,
Let's call him "S".
This guy was so dumb
He wore a tin foil vest
He'd spend his dull days
Getting dressed and undressed
Good Christ he was stupid,
This guy I'm calling "S".

You could aproach him in public
With a test tube of piss
And if you said to him:
"Here, drink some of this."
He invariably would
And then with your fist
You could punch out his teeth
And he'd thank you for this!

He was just that stupid
He was just that thick
If you fed him raw bacon
He wouldn't call you a "dick",
He'd say "My, that's nice!"
And then enjoy being sick!
All joking aside –
He was painfully thick.

The last time I saw him
He was laid flat on the ground
He'd heard if you stay there
Not making a sound
You'd hear the earth's heart
Beating deep underground
And when you heard this
You'd finally be unbound
And you could fly in the air
A feat the would astound
The dazzled onlookers
Who'd come from miles around

When I left him
He'd been there for twelve hours.
A dog had used him as a toilet,
And there was a muddy footprint on his chest.

Like I say – he really wasn't too bright
This guy I'm calling "S".

: 22 Jun 2005 18:40 |  Tags: Poetry |  Comments (11) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

My Tux

It's Final Fling tonight. This is what I'll be wearing:

: 15 Jun 2005 12:49 |  Tags: Images |  Comments (3) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Stupid Things I Did: The Pile of Rocks Fiasco

This one time I was walking in a field and I came across a pile of rocks. Just your average pile of rocks, nothing fancy, sat there being all rock-like and so forth. However, perhaps because it was my time of the month, perhaps because the light caught them in just the wrong way, or perhaps because I live in a world where Hanson are famous, this particular pile of rocks annoyed the hell out of me.

First of all I tried reasoning with the rocks. I sat down, cross legged, and camly explained to them that I was not happy with that fact that they were a pile of goddamned rocks, and if they'd just go ahead and change into something more entertaining, like a pigeon on stilts, or a cannon that shot crisps at people, then that would be really super. The rocks, however, simply sat there and proceeded to be a pile of stupid rocks that were pissing me off something awful.

The second tactic I employed was to try to bribe the rocks. I brought them the finest silks from China (Which I owned because I had recently saved a horse from a man with big teeth and he wanted to thank me). I tried singing to them in my sweet, soft voice about the virtues of dancing and merriment. I even tried doing a little striptease. Nothing would shift the little buggers, not even my gyrating naked body.

Finally I resorted, in exasperation, to screaming at them. I stood and yelled until I was blue in the face, spittle flying from my lips like wet sandles.I yelled louder and louder, until all the birds for miles around had flown away, and several elderly people had died of heart attacks. Eventually I passed out through over-exertion, and was taken to hospital by a kind farmer with a large chin who was passing by on his kangaroo.

As I sat in my hospital bed, staring vacantly at my feet and counting the sconds as they passed, I knew that I had failed. The pile of rocks would still be sitting in that field, being a stupid, annoying, pile of rocks, and I wept the bitter tears of a man who knows he has failed in attaining the goal that life has set him.

I think there's a moral to this story somewhere.

: 11 Jun 2005 22:42 |  Tags: Stupid Things I Did |  Comments (3) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Everything you Ever Wanted to Know

Ten Random Things About Me

1. I have hated napkins ever since I was taken hostage by a napkin as a young child.

2. I keep my toenail clippings in a bowl and sing to them.

3. I once ate a live mouse.

4. I'm not sure if Russia is a real country, since I've never been there.

5. I'm instantly suspicious of anyone with eyes that are bigger than their shoulders.

6. I think twigs are cool.

7. I'm so obscenely flexible that I can eat my own ankles.

8. I think it's funny when people that aren't me seriously injure themselves.

9. My teeth are made of cucumber.

10. Instead of having friends at school I spent all my time talking to my own chin.

Nine Ways To Win My Heart

1. Have three breasts like that woman in Total Recall.

2. Give yourself a cool name like "Aphrodite-Sue" or "Bundus Funk-Meister"

3. Wear socks on your hands.

4. Re-enact the battle of Hastings with puppets.

5. Never wash your arms.

6. Be completely hariless (yes, including your head and eyebrows).

7. Hate yourself like I hate you.

8. Draw pictures of your first ever teacher feeding sulphur to some ducks.

9. Make me wager my heart in a game of poker. I'm rubbish and you'll easilly win.

Eight Things I Want To Do Before I Die

1. Figure out what the big red button on my back does.

2. Run away from a French person.

3. Weep less.

4. Give one of my friends a horribly scarring nickname that haunts them for the rest of their lives.

5. Eat another live mouse.

6. Become fabulously rich so that I can afford all the whiskey and whores I want.

7. Write a sickeningly catchy, but ultimately completely rubbish song that everyone hates.

8. A horse.

Seven Ways To Annoy Me

1. Writre poetry in dialect.

2. Take me to see a film with Rheece Witherspoon in it.

3. Hypnotise me and tell me I am Rheece Witherspoon.

4. Poke my ears with sticks.

5. Mock my underwear publicly in a Welsh accent.

6. Be a person I don't know or care about, and be in my way.

7. Tell me my teeth look like tree trunks and my arse looks gay.

Six Things I Believe In

1. Aliens with big lips.

2. Gravity.

3. Kobolds.

4. The force.

5. More toothbrushes for children.

6. Pain.

Five Things I'm Afraid Of

1. Wasps.

2. Giant wasps with huge stingers.

3. The Communist conspiricy to spy on me through my radiator.

4. Huge robots that shoot lasers from their eyes and will stop at nothing to kill me.

5. Angry men that want to hold me down and bite my cheeks off.

Four Favorite Items In My Room

1. The two childeren I keep in my cupboard.

2. My poison darts and blow pipe.

3. The disembowled corpses of my enemies.

4. Your mum's pants.

Three Things I Do Everyday

1. Fly.

2. Worship Baal.

3. Mat.

Two Things I Want To Do Right Now

1. Blow up Jupiter just for the hell of it.

2. Mat.

One Person I Want to See Right Now

1. You.

: 07 Jun 2005 14:58 |  Comments (5) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Mr. Swish

I spent some time up a tree today, and it gave me a bit of space to think…

I came to the following conclusions:

1. I'm glad I'm not a fish. Fish are pretty rubbish animals. They don't have any personality, they have a memory that lasts about thirty seconds, and their poo comes out all stringy and weird. I'm much happier being a human since our poo is satisfyingly thick. Maybe if I was another animal with even sturdier poo I'd be happier. Like a rhinoserous. That would be ace.

2. Some day I'd like to taste human liver. Y'know – nothing special. Just served with onions or potatoes or something.

3. I really wish I had never seen the film "You Got Mail". It was boring, and I'm never going to get the time back that I spent watching it. In future I think I'll avoid all films with Tom Hanks in them. Or AOL.

That is all.

: 06 Jun 2005 18:03 |  Tags: Images |  Comments (6) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Why Being From the North Sucks

Writing about an entry you don't have permission to view

Lisa has recently reminded me of my Northern heritage. I think it's about time you southern nancy-boys with your motorised "horseless carriages" and your "tooth paste" learned a thing or two about how bad we have it in the north. This, then, is a definitive list of everything that is wrong with anywhere above Lincolnshire:

• We haven't invented electricity or fire yet. The only way we have of getting a kettle full of water to boil is to pick it up and swing it round really fast until it gets hot. This takes the best part of four hours to achieve, so we have to wake up at 3 am if we want tea before we go anywhere.


• People from the North generally think rape is funny, and will more often than not try to cut off your legs if you talk to them.


• Due to our backwards fundamentalist religious dogma, dancing is considered a sin on Thursdays, women are viewed as morally wrong, and people actually think that God will be pleased if we saw otters in half.


• Our cheese tastes of sweat and bile.


• Tractors are the only available form of transport (apart from donkeys and big chickens). Not that it matters anyway, since the only roads we have are made out of custard.


• Due to a bovine shortage, we drink horse milk.


• We also eat horses.


• In the north, stand-up comics are shot on sight because they make the sheep too excited.

So there you go. Living in the north is really no fun at all. I hope you'll spare a thought for us while you sit in your laser-assisted chairs drinking Martini and watching your holographic televisions.

: 01 Jun 2005 16:09 |  Comments (12) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

People who Don't Flush Public Toilets

Yes, I'm still here. Rumours that I'd been "gutted like a fish", or "burned in the head" are, as Oscar Wilde might say, "wrong". But that's all besides the point, because what follows has little to do with the state of my innards or head, and is rather more concerned with the first addition to The List I've made in donkey's years. Here it is:

I'm quite, quite sick of walking into the toilet cubicles in the Arts Centre only to find that some little oik has done their business there, but has, in doing so, presumably run out of energy, and failed to pull the flush lever. The result of this is that upon entering said cubicle, you are confronted with a floating mess of poo and soggy toilet paper apt to put you off whatever you may or may not be about to eat. To the people who do this: who are you? Do you just forget to flush, or is your mission more sinister? Do you lurk in the shadows and snigger to yourself every time you see someone grimace at the "treat" you've left for them? What, exactly, is your problem? And what are you doing in my lounge? Put some bloody clothes on and get out of here.

: 29 May 2005 18:27 |  Tags: The List Of Petty Grievences |  Comments (8) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

General Essay Paper

Here's a scan of this year's General Essay Paper for Philosophy, which I sat yesterday:

I was a little annoyed at first, because I'd revised "Whores" and "Chimp", and as you can see neither of them came up, but I managed to fill up a good nine sides writing about "The Hasselhoffs", so I think I did okay.

: 22 May 2005 20:40 |  Tags: Images Philosophy |  Comments (12) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Artwork From a Troubled Mind

: 20 May 2005 23:16 |  Tags: Images |  Comments (8) |  Close comments |  Report a problem