All 5 entries tagged Funny

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November 22, 2005

Matron!

This is why phone keypad lock was developed, children. See my Sent Messages folder today:

A confused potentiometer salesman I had dealings with last year for Formula Student is probably wondering why Kenneth Williams sent him a text at 9:00 this morning. It was my jacket's fault, honest guv.


October 27, 2005

The two o'clock mooos

Writing about web page http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/You_have_two_cows

Everyone's had the email which uses the metaphor of cow ownership to explain various systems of government. A typical email might include examples like:

Feudalism – You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Pure Democracy – You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy – You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
Communism – You share two cows with your neighbours. You and your neighbours bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
Cambodian Communism – You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Bureaucracy – You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

But stumbling across Uncyclopedia (an awesome waste of time - it's like Wikipedia but... not. Go look.), I happened upon a page called You_have_two_cows. It's by far the longest list of variations on a single joke I've ever seen. Including (but by no means limited to):

England – You have two cows. They go mad.
Wales – You hyve two cwws.
Romania – You have two cows. You must bribe them first if you want to milk them.
Zimbabwe – You have two cows, they do not vote for you but you still win. You kill your cows.
—-
Google – Results 1 – 2 of 2 for cows. (0.27 seconds)
MSNBC – You have two (CLICK HERE TO BUY VIAGRA!) cows.
Flamer – yor mom has sex with 2 cows
—-
Shakespeare – Two cows or not two cows? That is the question.
Dickens – It was the best of cows, it was the worst of cows.
Golding – You have two cows. The nerdy one falls off a giant rock and dies.
Tom Clancy – You have two cows. They go to war with each other. It takes 1,300 pages.
—-
Catholicism – If you have two cows, you deserve them.
Islam – If you have two cows, it is the will of Allah.
Pragmatism – There are cows.
Atheism – What cows?
—-
Rammstein – Du… Du hast … Du hast zwei Kühe…
Eddie Izzard – Er… yeah… so… COWS!
Yoda – Two cows you have.
Tetris – You have two L-shaped cows, but you really need two I-shaped cows.
Monty Python's Life of Brian – Apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, what have the two cows ever done for us?
Keynesian Economics – You have two cows. Both of them are concrete.
Unimaginative people – You have two cows.
—-
Binary – You have 10 cows.
Floating-Point – You have 1.999999999 cows.
Scientific notation - You have 2.0 × 10 0 cows.

ASCII

                 (__)
(__) (oo)
/-(oo)---\/
/-------\/ ||
/ | ||----||
* ||----|| ~~
~~ ~~
CSS
div.cows {
text-decoration: none;
cows: 2;
border-left: 1px solid #000000;
}
BASIC
10 PRINT "YOU HAVE TWO COWS"
20 GOTO 10


October 23, 2005

Giving advice

Apparently this is not the best way to do it:

her: (exasperated) Ugh! No! That's exactly what my sister said!
me: (smugly) Well she's probably right then.

Does not yield optimal results.


October 10, 2005

I've got a joke too

Writing about I've got a joke… from The randomness of tomorrow, today!

Today at work I've been amused to come across a sheaf of engineering works contract documents, in which the Project Management Team has been referred to by acronym. Highlights include "Plans shall be submitted to the PMT for acceptance". Sounds like being in a relationship.

Then I had a little look at the blogs (in my lunch hour, of course) and saw Richard's painful but amusing post. This reminded me of an engineering joke I blogged some time ago, about the firing order of a single-cylinder engine. Trust me, it was comedy gold.

What jokes related to your subject do you know and/or secretly chuckle at? Don't worry if most people won't get it, that's kinda the point.


August 25, 2005

Halt, James Allen!

Writing about web page http://www.sniffpetrol.com/

I have nothing to add.


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