she was young and remained mentally strong throughout…

BBC News Online broke the following story yesterday afternoon…

Stuck woman traps South African cave group

An overweight woman who got stuck in a South African cave trapped 22 fellow tourists for more than 10 hours and had to be prised free with liquid paraffin. The woman became trapped in the Tunnel of Love obstacle in the Cango Caves in Western Cape on New Year’s Day. The caves’ manager said the woman had been warned she might not be suitable but she insisted on trying.

One of those trapped was a diabetic who had to be brought insulin. The woman and the other tourists were unhurt. The rescue operation involved several ambulance teams and a helicopter. Hein Gerstner, manager of Cango Caves, told the BBC it was an “expensive exercise” that could cost 40,000 rand ($5,700). “We don’t know yet who will foot the bill,” he said.

The ordeal began when the woman became stuck just after noon on New Year’s Day. Mr Gerstner said the woman was “told at the ticket office that she was too big to take part in the specific section”. He said she was again warned by the guide but that it was “very difficult to discriminate”.

Mr Gerstner said: “The obstacle has a narrow base. She lost her footing and went down in a splits position. There was no way she could get her body weight up.” But he said she was young and remained mentally strong throughout and the other tourists took the ordeal “exceptionally well”.

The tourists, including two asthmatic children, were given blankets, water and chocolate bars as the rescue proceeded. One rescuer was able to climb over the woman to deliver insulin to the diabetic. No drilling equipment was needed and the woman was eventually freed with a pulley and paraffin used to grease the surface at about 2320. She was taken to hospital but is not injured and is expected to be released on Tuesday.

Mr Gerstner said: “We believe what goes in, must come out again. People get stuck all the time – that’s one of the unfortunate things that happen, it’s part of the adventure.” However, he said the caves would consider more stringent measures for those entering.

(BBC News Online)

Happy New Year!

Lots of love Neil xxx

: 03 Jan 2007 15:55 |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

musical moments

Listening to Marvin Gaye – Got To Give It Up

A few weeks ago I went to see Amy Winehouse perform. She was sick, pissed and apparently, tired (she had the odd nap on stage). You can’t hold the whole alcoholic thing against her. Even so, it was a colossal disappointment. Sort of like watching your son come last on Sports Day. Sure it’s the taking part that counts, but you were fast and popular in your day – why isn’t he?? All the other dads smile, console and congratulate. But you just want to cry and kick him in the face. He’s probably not even yours…

In contrast, Mika and Joan As Policewoman are two relatively new artists who know how to stay sober on stage. Both of their respective intimate (non-penetrative) gigs were outstanding. Here’s a little taste of these beautiful bastards…

Last but not least, here’s how good our seats were at George Michael’s concert.

I could practically feel his breath on my brow. As far as I can remember, George is either 1, 2, or possibly number 3 in the above picture. I’m not really sure anymore. I could just about make out these three veteran homosexuals at a distance. Please be warned that two of them are complete NOBODIES, otherwise your guess is as good as mine.

Lots of love Neil xxx

: 19 Dec 2006 16:45 |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

front to back

Listening to Tweet – Turn The Lights Off

Well well WELL! I’m back into the swing of my fourth and final year at Warwick. Of course there’s very little swing involved and I spend most days on the toilet; sometimes using it, sometimes just hiding, but always in a state of surprise. Despite my best efforts I’ve actually been quite busy. They always told me that there’d be a lot of work during my final year but I figured it was all a smokescreen for their own shortcomings.

A week or two ago, dearest Dawn and my new brother-in-law Colin had their second wedding reception over in Belfast. It’s an interesting city. I had the whole tour – most bombed hotel in the world, the pub where that guy was knifed last year, that bank that was robbed of 100 million quid. Conclusions drawn on Belfast: it’s where criminals live. Oh and my new family. Last weekend I was back in Cardiff for an impromptu piss up with friends and family who aren’t quite young enough to drink Lambrini, but not quite old enough to stop binge drinking. It was refreshing to go for dinner with a group of professionals (as opposed to students) and still see a battle ensue over the bill. I won’t name names, but it seems everytime I have dinner with Steve and Jon, they need to have something removed from their bill to feel satisfied with the dining experience.

October’s Words of Wisdom

Sam Jones: Should I try eating this and see if I’m sick?

Chatting to a guy on the train
Neil: You sound European. Are you from Germany?
Guy: Uh, Dublin.

This lady is called Regina Spektor. She is very good. Here she’s singing a song called Fidelity, which is also very good. You might find the whole “hea-hea-hea-hea-hea-heart” thing annoying at first but IT REALLY REALLY WORKS and you just need to give it time.

I’ve added a few new photos of my recent adventures (4th Year folder). Pore at will people!!!

Lots of love Neil xxx

P.S. BRITNEY’S GETTING DIVORCED!!! I so knew this was gonna happen. I swear I was saying last year that she was going to get divorced and/or kill her children. One out of two’s not bad eh?!

P.P.S. If you haven’t got Amy Winehouse’s new album yet then you should be ashamed of yourself.

: 08 Nov 2006 00:59 |  Comments (4) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

warrior

This needs no introduction…

Lots of love Neil xxx

: 02 Oct 2006 17:40 |  Comments (5) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

onwards and upwards

As you can see on the right (this way ->), the local council has rebranded my hometown Blackwood. Overnight we’ve gone from a slightly better bred Emmerdale, to the defining community of the future. Now I can imagine there’s a fair few pessimists out there, but if you people could hold the fuck up, then you might just learn something for a change. Here’s how we did it…

The name Blackwood derives from the Welsh ‘Ydddddug’ which is common slang for ‘choo choo’. Originally intended as a hole for storing asthma, Blackwood soon surpassed this design to become a haven for 19th century criminals who couldn’t stomach the journey to Australia. Over time the population swelled and sheep were invented. Then they opened an Asda, which brings us neatly to the present day.

I’m not sure whether Blackwood can define the future, or even irony for that matter. Some people believe in magic and they think, wrongly, that they can anticipate the future but these people are crazy and best left to die. If you ask me (which you are), nobody knows what the future holds and Caerphilly County Borough Council’s suggestion to the contrary will only lead to unnecessary pain and teenage pregnancy.

Lots of love Neil xxx

: 17 Sep 2006 17:03 |  Comments (1) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

rehab

For some strange reason nobody told me Amy Winehouse existed. I will probably hold a grudge for a while yet but in the meantime let’s gawp at her new single entitled Rehab. It’s the best song with a “no, no, no” line since Destiny’s Child’s No, No, No (Remix). Amy goes one better and even sings about alcoholism and depression. Rumour has it that Beyonce’s not best pleased and plans to blow Amy out of the water with The Self Harm Song, which will feature her warbling over a clever mix of tambourines and sobbing. Anywho here’s Amy in action. LOOK NOW!!!

Her new album’s called Back to Black, which is either a dig at Michael Jackson or an attempt to revive the slave trade. Madness!

Lots of love Neil xxx

: 15 Sep 2006 16:50 |  Comments (4) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

retour

I caught the train back from Edinburgh on Friday. It took over seven hours to get back down to Wales, but such a long journey means you pass through many stations without stopping, which always makes me feel a bit like the Queen as all those sad platform dwellers watch you zoom past.

In between Crewe and Newport I was sitting opposite a new-age environmental type. He had a massive wand with him, which I imagine granted him some kind of mystical superiority over the rest of us. He even took it to the toilet with him. As we passed through a particularly unpleasant expanse of countryside he took a rather obvious deep breath as the stench of manure seeped into the carriage. I caught his eye and I swear he was thinking “look at me, I smell shit ‘cos I’m cool and I wear unbranded clothing.” He looked down on me, and I didn’t like it. Least of all because his hypocritical hippy ass was reading The Mirror and he was clearly desperate to be different. I don’t have anything against nature per se, but I fucking hate people who drink their own piss and marry trees.

There is growing evidence that suggests I’m going to be a celebrity. While I was out in Cardiff last Saturday I got recognised in a club from my days as a ballet boy. And in Edinburgh I had a stalker who liked touching my hands. I’ve put two and two together and decided that now is the time to capitalise on my rising stock. For a limited period only I’m selling signed portrait photos of me for £9.99 (+ £1.99 P&P). Here’s a sample copy:

Lots of love Neil xxx

P.S. For all those softies out there I want to post this performance of Ready For Love by India Arie. It’s makes me want to adopt children and breastfeed the dying. Nuff said.

: 06 Sep 2006 00:17 |  Comments (3) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

fringe

The Edinburgh Festival Fringe has brought me to Scotland this summer for six weeks of crazy mad fun. Unfortunately over the last few days I've developed a cold, which was initially enjoyable (blowing my nose makes me feel like a man) but has now left me with a coke addict's nose (red and raw that is, not covered in white shit).

I had three hours sleep last night, and despite my resolve to write an interesting, detailed blog this morning, I'm now losing the will to live.

Here's a short summary of the Fringe thus far:

• A bird pooed on my hand yesterday.


• The best show I've seen is called And Even My Goldfish. Physical theatre by right should be really shit but this was outstanding. The show delves into the mind of a lonely guy who has obsessive–compulsive disorder. If you're in Edinburgh or coming up during the festival make sure you go see it!


• The worst show I've seen is called Eleventh Rib. It was so bad that it's probably the best show I've ever seen in my life. Here's the show's blurb: "The story of a British expat falling in love with another man in Seville, read by Hong Kong novelist Wong Bik Wan to the rhythm of flamenco, performed with dance and live music." In conclusion Chinese women should never sing, dance or speak English.


• I built a box.

I've added a few photos of my Scottish adventure in the Edinburgh 2006 folder.

Lots of love Neil xxx

: 15 Aug 2006 16:32 |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

sticks and stones

Like an amputee or burns victim, it seems that lately I've lost my touch. Paul offered me these touching words…

my dearest neil, you don't know me, but i'm a secret admirer of your blog work.
or shall i say: i used to be?! because lately your blog lacks a certain, hmm,
how can i put this without destroying you: sharp–tongued–ness?! (please forgive
me my bad english, but i'm not from your country, alas, but from the next
football world champion, germany that is!). anyway, what i meant to tell you is
this: ever since you've left paris your blog has become boring and DULL!!! you
used to be a funny part of my life. i turned to your blog for some wit, fun and
intelligent observations about everyday life! now, i hesitate to even go to your
blog because i'm always disappointed as for some odd reason you decided to throw
your talent away and become just another blogger! so, get your act together and
improve a little!!! i guess, i got a little carried away here. once again, plese
excuse my punctuation and spelling and grammar. i know you are a bright little
young man ap(p)rec(c)iating all that stuff! lots of love– yours truly, paul.
p.s.: since when did you become so coy about sharing your scandals with us.
you didn't spare us the "BAD PHOTOS OF NEIL"...

I think Paul hits the nail on the head here. Life in Wales is indeed more mouton than moijoto. Yet he also demonstrates how Germany is still inclined towards a certain self–congratulatory egotism. Lest we forget "the next football world champion" once claimed to be "the next world superhuman race" and then they lost. It's the taking part that counts though isn't it?

I've finally got a job sorted for the summer break. I'm heading up to Edinburgh on July 22nd for six weeks of box office fun at the Fringe Festival. It's all rather exciting but I'm not sure how I feel about being surrounded by Scots. Generally speaking, the majority of foreign nationalities leave a bad taste in my pants, but none more so than the people of Scotland. I've only ever visited it once when I was a couple of months old. But I can't remember any of it so it couldn't have been that good. Plus it's pretty close to the North Pole / traditional Santa Clause stomping ground, which is never good for a non–believer.

Here I am enjoying the sunshine in the south of France last weekend. Mum used to warn me that the wind might change. She wasn't lying…

Lots of love Neil xxx

: 12 Jul 2006 15:22 |  Comments (2) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

yadda

In true Cinderella style, I have nothing to wear to the Final Fling ball. I'm not prepared to go the nudist route again so I've been doing a little research into hiring a tux. And then this happened…

With so much hate and fear in the world today, I hardly think it's appropriate for Wales–direct.com to flaunt this sickness at us. But they have. And they don't care.

Nobody pulls off a cummerband – I'm sure there's some piece of holy scripture that outlaws it. So please, if you have a friend or a relative that crosses the line – shoot the bastard before they bring you down too.

Words of Wisdom

Oliver Hopwood explaining his pro–choice stance on abortion…

"People aren't born."

Deutschland

I've been to Germany for my soon–to–be–brother–in–law's stag do. It was emotional. I also went to Prerow on the north coast of Germany, which was very beautiful (I shit you not). And it was all rounded off nicely on Wednesday evening at a big open–air gig for the opening of the World Cup. This lady sang some song about eating men…

YYYYYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS

Lots of love Neil xxx

: 09 Jun 2006 13:39 |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem