Guide to love (1) – Cupid

We all fall for someone from time to time. This isn't our fault, it happens because we get hit by one of Cupid's arrows. Cupid was born in 1573 in Paris, the son a French painter and his beleagured wife.

An artist's impression of Cupid

Cupid never actually graduated from Love School; he failed his archery exam because he was such a terrible shot. In spite of this he has gone on to become the most successful person to have attended the school.

In his own estimation his proudest moment was making Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun fall in love. Cupid was himself a Nazi and wanted to do something for his good friend "Addy", indeed Cupid stayed in Hitler's bunker until the very end.

For true love to occur, one of Cupid's arrows needs to pierce our heart directly (see diagram). The closer to the centre the better.

Cupids arrows are dipped in love juice, this disperses into the heart making the person all sappy. The love juice is made from:

• Melted down romantic films. The quality of the film affects the love's chance off success. Should it be something fun and funky such as the Wedding Singer the relationship has every chance. However if the film was some god awful tripe featuring Julia Stiles then it is doomed from the very beginning.
• Awww juice. This is created every time someone saws "awww" because of Cutesy Wutesy Kittens, Fluffy Wuffy Bunny Wabbits or Sweet and Cute and Ickle (sic) Ducklings.
• Mushed up Flower Petals. Cupid uses sweatshop workers to stomp on them and give them the correct texture.

However as already mentioned, Cupid isn't the best shot. This means things frequently go wrong, which we will cover in "Heartbreaks".

: 26 Apr 2005 13:24 |  Tags: Guides |  Comments (4) |  Trackbacks (1) |  Report a problem