All entries for May 2007

May 11, 2007

Americans and Galicians

This was originally sent to me from a Spanish friend, hopefully the humour is not lost in translation.

(FYI Galicia is a coastal region of Spain)

An ALLEGED conversation between Americans and Galicians recorded off the coast of Finisterre, Galicia.

<Transmission begins> 

Galician:
"This is A-853, please change your course fifteen degrees South to avoid colliding with us. You are coming straight towards us, distance 25 nautical miles."

American:
"We recommend that you change your course fifteen degrees North to avoid a collision."

Galician:
"Negative. We repeat, change your course fifteen degrees south to avoid a collision."

American:
"You are talking to the captain of a ship of the United States of America. We insist you turn your course fifteen degrees North to avoid a collision."

Galician:
"We do not consider that feasible or advisable, we suggest that you change your course fifteen degrees South to avoid colliding with us."

American (very angry):
"You are talking to Captain Richard James Howard, at the bridge of the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln of the USA Navy, the second biggest warship of the North American fleet. We are escorted by two battleships, three destroyers, five cruisers, four submarines and numerous amphibious support vessels. We are on our way to the Persian Gulf to prepare military manoeuvres before a possible attack on Iraq.
I am not suggesting, I am ordering you to change your course fifteen degrees North! Otherwise we will be forced to take any measures necessary to guarantee both the safety of this ship and the force of this coalition. You belong to an allied country and a member of NATO, so obey immediately and get out of our way!"

Galician:
"You are speaking to Jose Manuel Otero-Rivas. We are two people. We are escorted by our dog, our food, two beers and a canary that is currently asleep.  We have the support of Radio Coruňa FM and Channel 16 for marine emergencies. We are not intending to move anywhere as we are speaking to you from the mainland, from lighthouse A-853 of Finisterre on the coast of Galicia, and we don’t have a f*cking clue what our ranking is of Spanish lighthouses.
You may take whatever measures you consider opportune and bloody well feel like to guarantee the safety of your goddamn ship, which is about to shred itself on the rocks, but what we continue to insist and suggest as the best, most sane and more recommendable course of action, is to turn fifteen degrees South to avoid colliding with us."

American:
"OK. Received. Thank you."

<End of transmission>

I like :D 

Mx 


May 02, 2007

Things To Do After You Die

I don't know about everybody else, but some lists of "Things to do before you die" drive me mad. I am never going to make it to the moon ok?! Nor am I any more likely to see the Titanic in person or climb mount everest. And those are the better suggestions. Some are plain insane. Surely anyone with two braincells to rub together can tell that "lighting a match with a rifle" is probably going to be the last thing they do before they die! It just makes me want to poke the authors in the face with a blunt spoon until they get a nasty looking red patch on their cheek and tell me to stop.

It is rather biased. After all, I'm going to be dead for a hell of a lot longer than I'll be alive; infinitely so in fact. A little preparation wouldn't hurt... Oh well, revision insanity last year helped to compile this list and I've only just rediscovered it, so here it is. If you're sure the exams are going to kill you this year then get reading...

Things To Do After You Die 

  1. Be buried
  2. Be cremated
  3. Be made into a glass paperweight
  4. Be buried at sea
  5. Be fed to wild animals
  6. Have a wax deathmask made
  7. Get stuffed
  8. Be shot into outer space
  9. Be mummified
  10. Be used to stuff a plush toy
  11. Have yourself scattered somewhere
  12. Be served as lunch
  13. Donate your organs for transplantation
  14. Donate your body to science
  15. Have yourself pumped full of resin then dissolved in acid so that only your cardiovascular system is preserved
  16. Leave everything to a cat
  17. Put conditions in your will a la “the Bachelor”
  18. Be recreated as a waxwork statue
  19. Have a monument built in your memory
  20. Poison your wake and bring them all with you
  21. Be set on fire
  22. Be twung from between two trees in a sling
  23. Leave behind a long list of secrets you said you’d take to your grave
  24. Haunt someone
  25. Possess someone
  26. Misplace the family’s TV/VCR remotes
  27. Curse someone
  28. Come back to life three days later
  29. Ask to be carted away like in the middle ages
  30. Be entombed beneath a pyramid
  31. Get shipped off to somewhere tropical
  32. Become a zombie
  33. Be cryogenically frozen
  34. Have your head put in a jar
  35. Be eaten by piranhas
  36. Be turned into a firework
  37. Have you ashes compressed into a diamond
  38. Pre-order a grave statue that gestures obscenely at passers-by
  39. Hire professional mourners to out-mourn your family
  40. Be stuffed with sweets and strung up like a piňata
  41. Be reincarnated
  42. Request a circus themed funeral
  43. Be buried in drag
  44. Undergo saponification
  45. Pre-order a novelty cock-shaped wreath for the funeral
  46. Imply it was murder on your deathbed
  47. Leave a note for someone saying “You’re next”
  48. Hire a swedish deathmetal group to perform at the wake
  49. Have an entire subsection of your will dedicated to the distribution of your porn collection
  50. Invent somebody in your will
  51. Line your coffin with money and take it all with you
  52. Request to be buried with a packed lunch “for the trip”
  53. Have a traditional tibetan burial and be ground up and fed to vultures
  54. Be preserved seated in the lotus position and covered in gold
  55. Have your bones made into a chandelier
  56. Play UNO with Jesus (and win)

Mx



May 01, 2007

The Something Random Guide to: Making Vodka Jellies

Follow-up to The Something Random Guide to: Making A Vodka Infusion. from Something Random

I figure it's about time i did a follow-up, especially with post-exam-celebration season looming!

Vodka Jellies

In the interest of thorough scientific practice I’m expanding my collection of alcohol related recipes by adding the immortal creation that is “Something Random’s Perfect Jelly Shot”. This recipe is still largely unknown among my friends, one reason for this being that those who encounter the fabled shots do tend to experience a certain amount of amnesia the following morning. But regardless of the memory-loss everyone agrees that they taste amazing; even if they still can’t understand how they managed to fall asleep on the floor curled up around a small potted plant and with their hand taped to a spatula.

As always read through completely before you start and make sure there is plenty of kitchen roll to hand just in case. It may not be the definitive recipe but it 's fast and simple and hasn't let me down yet.

Ingredients:

8 packets of jelly (where each packet is to make 1 pint)
1 x 70cl bottle of vodka (again cheap wodka is fine, you won’t notice)
2 x 225g bags haribo tangfastics
1 clean empty bottle with lid
Water
About 40 shot glasses (the usual size for jellies is 6.5cl = 2.3 fl.oz.)

Method:

    1. Open the tangfastics and separate out the cherries. Put these to one side and feed the others to your minions/housemates/dog. At this stage in the proceedings there are usually a lot of minions loitering around – they sense the haribo.
    2. Cut up the cherries, separating the green and red parts. Again, feed the green leftovers to your minions. Further cut up the red bits and put them in a bowl on one side.
    3. Now turn to the vodka. Pour about a third of it into the other bottle to be stored temporarily.
    4. Transfer the chopped up cherries into the original vodka bottle. This is easiest done slowly and by hand because the pieces are so sticky. Any attempts to use a funnel will just result in a mess as it will get blocked and you’ll have to free it with a chopstick.
    5. Run a sink/bucket full of hot water and place this bottle in it. Ensure the lid is on tightly enough to prevent any leakage.
    6. At intervals invert the bottle and shake gently to facilitate the dissolving of the cherries. Vodka is a solvent so this shouldn’t take too long. If at this point the cherries are still not dissolving try putting a bit of the excess vodka back in the bottle.
    7. Once completely dissolved remove from the water and place to one side to cool
    8. Next make the jelly. There are various methods of doing this, using a microwave or a large pan on a low heat. Either are valid but it’s important to use as little water as feasibly possible. This will help to speed up the cooling down when you come to add the rest of the water.
    9. When the jelly is all liquid take it off the heat and add cold water (and ice cubes if you have them) to cool it down. By now the mixture should have a volume of no more than 2 pints. If there are more than two pints of jelly at this point there is a risk that the jelly will not set.
    10. Add the cherry vodka and the spare stored vodka then top up the volume to a total of 4 pints. The best way of doing this is by measuring the mixture&vodka out a pint at a time with a measuring jug (or pint-sized container eg a glass milk bottle) then topping up at the end with the appropriate amount of water.
    11. Set out the glasses in a grid on a baking tray and fill them with about 50 ml each. This should allow for about 35-40 jellies and will also make each of them as strong as a standard 25ml shot of vodka. Let people know this because its hard to judge the strength of the shots from taste alone the sweetness makes it very misleading!
    12. Put the trays of jellies on a level surface in the fridge to set, then take them out and enjoy!

    Points to remember:

    • Most jellies contain pork extract, however there are varieties available that dont. This is something to bear in mind if you are catering for vegetarians.
    • I have also seen sugarfree brands and jelly powders in sachets. These should work fine but unless youve done a test run first consider making them a little in advance in case something goes wrong.
    • If worst comes to worst and the jellies refuse to set it is possible to cheat by chilling them in the freezer until they solidify some more. Be careful, too much time in the freezer and they are liable to freeze round the edges. This ruins the texture of the jelly.
    • If youve really messed up and its staying liquid, it is possible to stage a last ditch attempt at rescue by pouring the jellies back together again and adding a couple more packets of jelly before returning them to their individual glasses. However this is something that would be better off avoided as not only does it make an awful mess of both the glasses and your kitchen but it also wastes a lot of the mix.

    Prices:Jelly

    Two rounds of this recipe will use:

    2x70cl cheap vodka £13.00
    4bags haribo £4
    16 packets jelly £3.50
    80
    glasses (100 incP&P) £10.00

    Which should come to about £30.50 in total.

    Or £0.38 per jelly which, I think youll agree, is pretty good going for party fodder - especially considering they're the equivalent of a shot each.

    Ive not yet had the opportunity to work out the calories or weight watchers points per jelly shot but will do so at the next available opportunity.

    Mx 



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