All entries for May 2007
May 11, 2007
This was originally sent to me from a Spanish friend, hopefully the humour is not lost in translation.
(FYI Galicia is a coastal region of Spain)
An ALLEGED conversation between Americans and Galicians recorded off the coast of Finisterre, Galicia.
"This is A-853, please change your course fifteen degrees South to avoid colliding with us. You are coming straight towards us, distance 25 nautical miles."
"We recommend that you change your course fifteen degrees North to avoid a collision."
"Negative. We repeat, change your course fifteen degrees south to avoid a collision."
"You are talking to the captain of a ship of the United States of America. We insist you turn your course fifteen degrees North to avoid a collision."
"We do not consider that feasible or advisable, we suggest that you change your course fifteen degrees South to avoid colliding with us."
American (very angry):
"You are talking to Captain Richard James Howard, at the bridge of the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln of the USA Navy, the second biggest warship of the North American fleet. We are escorted by two battleships, three destroyers, five cruisers, four submarines and numerous amphibious support vessels. We are on our way to the Persian Gulf to prepare military manoeuvres before a possible attack on Iraq.
I am not suggesting, I am ordering you to change your course fifteen degrees North! Otherwise we will be forced to take any measures necessary to guarantee both the safety of this ship and the force of this coalition. You belong to an allied country and a member of NATO, so obey immediately and get out of our way!"
"You are speaking to Jose Manuel Otero-Rivas. We are two people. We are escorted by our dog, our food, two beers and a canary that is currently asleep. We have the support of Radio Coruňa FM and Channel 16 for marine emergencies. We are not intending to move anywhere as we are speaking to you from the mainland, from lighthouse A-853 of Finisterre on the coast of Galicia, and we don’t have a f*cking clue what our ranking is of Spanish lighthouses.
You may take whatever measures you consider opportune and bloody well feel like to guarantee the safety of your goddamn ship, which is about to shred itself on the rocks, but what we continue to insist and suggest as the best, most sane and more recommendable course of action, is to turn fifteen degrees South to avoid colliding with us."
"OK. Received. Thank you."
<End of transmission>
I like :D
May 02, 2007
I don't know about everybody else, but some lists of "Things to do before you die" drive me mad. I am never going to make it to the moon ok?! Nor am I any more likely to see the Titanic in person or climb mount everest. And those are the better suggestions. Some are plain insane. Surely anyone with two braincells to rub together can tell that "lighting a match with a rifle" is probably going to be the last thing they do before they die! It just makes me want to poke the authors in the face with a blunt spoon until they get a nasty looking red patch on their cheek and tell me to stop.
It is rather biased. After all, I'm going to be dead for a hell of a lot longer than I'll be alive; infinitely so in fact. A little preparation wouldn't hurt... Oh well, revision insanity last year helped to compile this list and I've only just rediscovered it, so here it is. If you're sure the exams are going to kill you this year then get reading...
Things To Do After You Die
- Be buried
- Be cremated
- Be made into a glass paperweight
- Be buried at sea
- Be fed to wild animals
- Have a wax deathmask made
- Get stuffed
- Be shot into outer space
- Be mummified
- Be used to stuff a plush toy
- Have yourself scattered somewhere
- Be served as lunch
- Donate your organs for transplantation
- Donate your body to science
- Have yourself pumped full of resin then dissolved in acid so that only your cardiovascular system is preserved
- Leave everything to a cat
- Put conditions in your will a la “the Bachelor”
- Be recreated as a waxwork statue
- Have a monument built in your memory
- Poison your wake and bring them all with you
- Be set on fire
- Be twung from between two trees in a sling
- Leave behind a long list of secrets you said you’d take to your grave
- Haunt someone
- Possess someone
- Misplace the family’s TV/VCR remotes
- Curse someone
- Come back to life three days later
- Ask to be carted away like in the middle ages
- Be entombed beneath a pyramid
- Get shipped off to somewhere tropical
- Become a zombie
- Be cryogenically frozen
- Have your head put in a jar
- Be eaten by piranhas
- Be turned into a firework
- Have you ashes compressed into a diamond
- Pre-order a grave statue that gestures obscenely at passers-by
- Hire professional mourners to out-mourn your family
- Be stuffed with sweets and strung up like a piňata
- Be reincarnated
- Request a circus themed funeral
- Be buried in drag
- Undergo saponification
- Pre-order a novelty cock-shaped wreath for the funeral
- Imply it was murder on your deathbed
- Leave a note for someone saying “You’re next”
- Hire a swedish deathmetal group to perform at the wake
- Have an entire subsection of your will dedicated to the distribution of your porn collection
- Invent somebody in your will
- Line your coffin with money and take it all with you
- Request to be buried with a packed lunch “for the trip”
- Have a traditional tibetan burial and be ground up and fed to vultures
- Be preserved seated in the lotus position and covered in gold
- Have your bones made into a chandelier
- Play UNO with Jesus (and win)
May 01, 2007
Follow-up to The Something Random Guide to: Making A Vodka Infusion. from Something Random
I figure it's about time i did a follow-up, especially with post-exam-celebration season looming!
In the interest of thorough scientific practice I’m expanding my collection of alcohol related recipes by adding the immortal creation that is “Something Random’s Perfect Jelly Shot”. This recipe is still largely unknown among my friends, one reason for this being that those who encounter the fabled shots do tend to experience a certain amount of amnesia the following morning. But regardless of the memory-loss everyone agrees that they taste amazing; even if they still can’t understand how they managed to fall asleep on the floor curled up around a small potted plant and with their hand taped to a spatula.
As always read through completely before you start and make sure there is plenty of kitchen roll to hand just in case. It may not be the definitive recipe but it 's fast and simple and hasn't let me down yet.
8 packets of jelly (where each packet is to make 1 pint)
1 x 70cl bottle of vodka (again cheap wodka is fine, you won’t notice)
2 x 225g bags haribo tangfastics
1 clean empty bottle with lid
About 40 shot glasses (the usual size for jellies is 6.5cl = 2.3 fl.oz.)
- Open the tangfastics and separate out the cherries. Put these to one side and feed the others to your minions/housemates/dog. At this stage in the proceedings there are usually a lot of minions loitering around – they sense the haribo.
- Cut up the cherries, separating the green and red parts. Again, feed the green leftovers to your minions. Further cut up the red bits and put them in a bowl on one side.
- Now turn to the vodka. Pour about a third of it into the other bottle to be stored temporarily.
- Transfer the chopped up cherries into the original vodka bottle. This is easiest done slowly and by hand because the pieces are so sticky. Any attempts to use a funnel will just result in a mess as it will get blocked and you’ll have to free it with a chopstick.
- Run a sink/bucket full of hot water and place this bottle in it. Ensure the lid is on tightly enough to prevent any leakage.
- At intervals invert the bottle and shake gently to facilitate the dissolving of the cherries. Vodka is a solvent so this shouldn’t take too long. If at this point the cherries are still not dissolving try putting a bit of the excess vodka back in the bottle.
- Once completely dissolved remove from the water and place to one side to cool
- Next make the jelly. There are various methods of doing this, using a microwave or a large pan on a low heat. Either are valid but it’s important to use as little water as feasibly possible. This will help to speed up the cooling down when you come to add the rest of the water.
- When the jelly is all liquid take it off the heat and add cold water (and ice cubes if you have them) to cool it down. By now the mixture should have a volume of no more than 2 pints. If there are more than two pints of jelly at this point there is a risk that the jelly will not set.
- Add the cherry vodka and the spare stored vodka then top up the volume to a total of 4 pints. The best way of doing this is by measuring the mixture&vodka out a pint at a time with a measuring jug (or pint-sized container eg a glass milk bottle) then topping up at the end with the appropriate amount of water.
- Set out the glasses in a grid on a baking tray and fill them with about 50 ml each. This should allow for about 35-40 jellies and will also make each of them as strong as a standard 25ml shot of vodka. Let people know this because it’s hard to judge the strength of the shots from taste alone – the sweetness makes it very misleading!
- Put the trays of jellies on a level surface in the fridge to set, then take them out and enjoy!
Points to remember:
- Most jellies contain pork extract, however there are varieties available that don’t. This is something to bear in mind if you are catering for vegetarians.
- I have also seen sugarfree brands and jelly powders in sachets. These should work fine but unless you’ve done a test run first consider making them a little in advance in case something goes wrong.
- If worst comes to worst and the jellies refuse to set it is possible to cheat by chilling them in the freezer until they solidify some more. Be careful, too much time in the freezer and they are liable to freeze round the edges. This ruins the texture of the jelly.
- If you’ve really messed up and it’s staying liquid, it is possible to stage a last ditch attempt at rescue by pouring the jellies back together again and adding a couple more packets of jelly before returning them to their individual glasses. However this is something that would be better off avoided as not only does it make an awful mess of both the glasses and your kitchen but it also wastes a lot of the mix.
Two rounds of this recipe will use:
2x70cl cheap vodka £13.00
4bags haribo £4
16 packets jelly £3.50
80 glasses (100 incP&P) £10.00
Which should come to about £30.50 in total.
Or £0.38 per jelly which, I think you’ll agree, is pretty good going for party fodder - especially considering they're the equivalent of a shot each.
I’ve not yet had the opportunity to work out the calories or weight watchers points per jelly shot but will do so at the next available opportunity.