All entries for Wednesday 02 May 2007

May 02, 2007

Things To Do After You Die

I don't know about everybody else, but some lists of "Things to do before you die" drive me mad. I am never going to make it to the moon ok?! Nor am I any more likely to see the Titanic in person or climb mount everest. And those are the better suggestions. Some are plain insane. Surely anyone with two braincells to rub together can tell that "lighting a match with a rifle" is probably going to be the last thing they do before they die! It just makes me want to poke the authors in the face with a blunt spoon until they get a nasty looking red patch on their cheek and tell me to stop.

It is rather biased. After all, I'm going to be dead for a hell of a lot longer than I'll be alive; infinitely so in fact. A little preparation wouldn't hurt... Oh well, revision insanity last year helped to compile this list and I've only just rediscovered it, so here it is. If you're sure the exams are going to kill you this year then get reading...

Things To Do After You Die 

  1. Be buried
  2. Be cremated
  3. Be made into a glass paperweight
  4. Be buried at sea
  5. Be fed to wild animals
  6. Have a wax deathmask made
  7. Get stuffed
  8. Be shot into outer space
  9. Be mummified
  10. Be used to stuff a plush toy
  11. Have yourself scattered somewhere
  12. Be served as lunch
  13. Donate your organs for transplantation
  14. Donate your body to science
  15. Have yourself pumped full of resin then dissolved in acid so that only your cardiovascular system is preserved
  16. Leave everything to a cat
  17. Put conditions in your will a la “the Bachelor”
  18. Be recreated as a waxwork statue
  19. Have a monument built in your memory
  20. Poison your wake and bring them all with you
  21. Be set on fire
  22. Be twung from between two trees in a sling
  23. Leave behind a long list of secrets you said you’d take to your grave
  24. Haunt someone
  25. Possess someone
  26. Misplace the family’s TV/VCR remotes
  27. Curse someone
  28. Come back to life three days later
  29. Ask to be carted away like in the middle ages
  30. Be entombed beneath a pyramid
  31. Get shipped off to somewhere tropical
  32. Become a zombie
  33. Be cryogenically frozen
  34. Have your head put in a jar
  35. Be eaten by piranhas
  36. Be turned into a firework
  37. Have you ashes compressed into a diamond
  38. Pre-order a grave statue that gestures obscenely at passers-by
  39. Hire professional mourners to out-mourn your family
  40. Be stuffed with sweets and strung up like a piňata
  41. Be reincarnated
  42. Request a circus themed funeral
  43. Be buried in drag
  44. Undergo saponification
  45. Pre-order a novelty cock-shaped wreath for the funeral
  46. Imply it was murder on your deathbed
  47. Leave a note for someone saying “You’re next”
  48. Hire a swedish deathmetal group to perform at the wake
  49. Have an entire subsection of your will dedicated to the distribution of your porn collection
  50. Invent somebody in your will
  51. Line your coffin with money and take it all with you
  52. Request to be buried with a packed lunch “for the trip”
  53. Have a traditional tibetan burial and be ground up and fed to vultures
  54. Be preserved seated in the lotus position and covered in gold
  55. Have your bones made into a chandelier
  56. Play UNO with Jesus (and win)

Mx



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