March 01, 2007

An Open Letter

Fellow citizens,

No doubt by now, many of you will be aware of the terrible plague that is striking down certain sections of our glorious nation’s core transport infrastructure. I urge you now, dear friends, to brace yourselves. Do not fall into the trap of complacency when considering the terrible disease that stands before us. It is inevitable that this can only get worse. I fear that after we narrowly avoided the extinction of the human race, when our wise Government swatted away the DEADLY BIRD FLU with copies of the Daily Mail soaked in disinfectant, many of us feel that such a torment will never face us again. Gird yourselves. DEADLY TESCO UNLEADED PETROL has already reached our shores, and this very day, there are people walking amongst us who have already felt its pain.

I demand that the Government take immediate action to halt the spread of DEADLY TESCO UNLEADED PETROL. The cause of this horrific ailment remains a mystery to us all, and I call for the Government to use every resource at its disposal to identify where it comes from. Already rumors are circulating that an excess of exotic substances, such as silicon, ethanol, or hydrogrogen dioxide, are to blame. These substances are invisible to the human eye; consequently we are defenseless against them. It is imperative that our leaders fight to gain an understanding of the seemingly random spread of this monsterous catastrophe, before it is too late.

Of more concern, it is clear that it is only a matter of time before DEADLY TESCO UNLEADED PETROL becomes airbourne and mutates into human form. Indeed, it may already have happened – the following report came from a valiant Englishman this very afternoon:

Well get this…I bought some Potato Waffles from Tesco in Milton, Cambridge on Saturday and ate half of them last night. Since then I have been experiencing stomach ache and some spluttering, symptoms not unlike those described on here. I went to my local main dealer about it who said I needed a new stomach, bowel and an enema and they couldn’t fit me in for any of them until next week. But my GP says I just need a big sh*t and a lie down and I’ll be fine. I just don’t know who to believe…

Clearly confusion is already beginning to take hold among the populace – but this need not be the case. We can prevail. Stay indoors. Stockpile food. Do not ingest any oil-based fuels, lest they orginated from the same source as the DEADLY TESCO UNLEADED PETROL. The Government will have no choice but to soon face up this disaster, and amass a stockpile of DEADLY TESCO UNLEADED PETROL vaccines for mass distribution. Until that time, take no risks. Exercise extreme caution should your young or your elderly being to show the symptoms. We will prevail.

And remember, there is no need for expensive repair bills until that time…the damage from automotive-type DEADLY TESCO UNLEADED PETROL may be minimised by immediate treatment with a tank or two of petrol from a brand who actually specialise in petrol, for example, Shell V-Power or BP Ultimate. I would not recommend this treatment for the human form – instead, immediately alerting your nearest medical professional is a much wiser course of action.

Stay away from contamination,

A concerned diesel-user


- 4 comments by 3 or more people Not publicly viewable

  1. Nathaniel Ho

    I’ve heard hydrogen dioxide can blow up my engine? Is this true? And also does ethanol in the tank reduce the responsiveness of brakes, straight line stability and general visability?

    I leave you with a good excerpt from a conversation:
    Nathaniel: what was up with your car? Hasn’t drunk some of that faulty fuel right?
    Emie: oh god someone told me about that AS I WAS PULLING OFF OF TESCO’S FORECOURT!

    02 Mar 2007, 11:29

  2. Won’t somebody please think of the children?

    02 Mar 2007, 12:06

  3. Christopher Sigournay

    I’ve heard hydrogen dioxide can blow up my engine?

    Do you not mean dihydrogen monoxide?

    03 Mar 2007, 09:45

  4. Nathaniel Ho

    Yeah I noticed that too, a day late

    03 Mar 2007, 15:53


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