Forced to grow up by choice

Being away, being alone definitely forces one to grow up and face the reality in ways that wouldn't have been possible if else. You always hear that it'll force you to step out of your comfort zone, to face your fears and your insecurities… Discover your faults and your weaknesses whether you wanted to or not, no matter how unpleasant it may make you feel.

At times I just want my life to come to a short break, so I can take a deep breath and start all over again… But it doesn't stop, even only for few seconds, it keeps on going whether you like it or not, whether you are ready for it or not…

We always talk about edifying one another in love, we talk about being honest with eachother… We talk about helping eachother grow. But now I feel like no one really actively sought to edify one another with love, perhaps because these words may be harsh for the other to hear even in love.

At times, I just want to go home so that I can be with my friends and family who loves me and i KNOW with all my heart that they love me unconditionally. Being here alone, even though I have found my close circle of friends, relationships are just not the same. I still care for them dearly and I truly enjoy my time with them, but it's not like the friendships and relationships I have built and cherished at home. Like everyone says, you don't appreciate what you've got until you lose it. Fortunately, I had the opportunity to appreciate what I've got before I lost it due to my own stupidity.

I knew I was insecure about myself even before I left for many different reasons, especially in relationships with others. But coming here, meeting people that are so different from those I know back home at church and at school, I am forced to face and deal with my insecurities whether i like it or not. I can no longer hide behide my friendships or relationships, because those are now the factors causing such confrontations in my life. Sometimes I just feel like lifting my hands up in the air in defeat, wave my white flag. Bring me back home, to what I know, to what I'm familiar with.

So where is GOD in all this…
where am I with GOD in all this?
I am not sure… I am still trying to figure it out in my head, because I haven't been relying very much on GOD… my need for emancipation has spread out to parts of my life where it should not have. but please do not worry, only pray that I understand what it means to find independence but yet rely on GOD for all things because I cannot do anything with HIM, though lately it hasn't really felt like that, but I know that it is the truth and i want to cling onto this truth.

I can't wait to meet everyone when I come back home in the summer, I'll definitely not be the jinie you knew before leaving whether it be for better or for worse, but lets just hope that it'll be for the better.

i miss you all dearly.
hope you're as challened to grow as i have been.

: 29 Nov 2004 17:18 |  Comments (1) |  Report a problem