Forced to grow up by choice

Being away, being alone definitely forces one to grow up and face the reality in ways that wouldn't have been possible if else. You always hear that it'll force you to step out of your comfort zone, to face your fears and your insecurities… Discover your faults and your weaknesses whether you wanted to or not, no matter how unpleasant it may make you feel.

At times I just want my life to come to a short break, so I can take a deep breath and start all over again… But it doesn't stop, even only for few seconds, it keeps on going whether you like it or not, whether you are ready for it or not…

We always talk about edifying one another in love, we talk about being honest with eachother… We talk about helping eachother grow. But now I feel like no one really actively sought to edify one another with love, perhaps because these words may be harsh for the other to hear even in love.

At times, I just want to go home so that I can be with my friends and family who loves me and i KNOW with all my heart that they love me unconditionally. Being here alone, even though I have found my close circle of friends, relationships are just not the same. I still care for them dearly and I truly enjoy my time with them, but it's not like the friendships and relationships I have built and cherished at home. Like everyone says, you don't appreciate what you've got until you lose it. Fortunately, I had the opportunity to appreciate what I've got before I lost it due to my own stupidity.

I knew I was insecure about myself even before I left for many different reasons, especially in relationships with others. But coming here, meeting people that are so different from those I know back home at church and at school, I am forced to face and deal with my insecurities whether i like it or not. I can no longer hide behide my friendships or relationships, because those are now the factors causing such confrontations in my life. Sometimes I just feel like lifting my hands up in the air in defeat, wave my white flag. Bring me back home, to what I know, to what I'm familiar with.

So where is GOD in all this…
where am I with GOD in all this?
I am not sure… I am still trying to figure it out in my head, because I haven't been relying very much on GOD… my need for emancipation has spread out to parts of my life where it should not have. but please do not worry, only pray that I understand what it means to find independence but yet rely on GOD for all things because I cannot do anything with HIM, though lately it hasn't really felt like that, but I know that it is the truth and i want to cling onto this truth.

I can't wait to meet everyone when I come back home in the summer, I'll definitely not be the jinie you knew before leaving whether it be for better or for worse, but lets just hope that it'll be for the better.

i miss you all dearly.
hope you're as challened to grow as i have been.

: 29 Nov 2004 17:18 |  Comments (1) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Crois tu au destin?

Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.
Joel: I know.
Clementine: What do we do?
Joel: Enjoy it.
eternal sunshin of the spotless mind

Dean: Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Trager secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather it's a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. serendipity

jinie: glaubst du an schiksal? says:
crois tu au destin?
makis(kato i hounta dimitraki, zito i 17 noemvri) says:
i believe in coincidences.some kind of desperate try to control your destiny at some points
makis(kato i hounta dimitraki, zito i 17 noemvri) says:
untill u get screwed by coincidences

People come into your life for a REASON, a SEASON or a LIFETIME.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that
person… When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meeta need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend
and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy Believe it, it is real. But only for a season. LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

: 18 Nov 2004 15:16 |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Poet's Walk in Central Park New York

i have this poster on my wall on top of my bed
it makes me feel like walking in the rain

: 10 Nov 2004 19:27 |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

November Update

Long time no talk
sorry for the sparce updates on my blog website, keep forgetting about the website, which I'm still not very used to… and now, i've forgotten alot of what i've done past month…

My computer was down for couple weeks and I haven't been able to upload any of my pictures… so please be patient, my new pictures will be up very soon…

Past month has truly been an eye opening time of my life…
This is the week 7 of my school term and I feel as though I haven't done anything for school yet… I've handed in one assignment so far but i think that's pretty much all i've done… modules here are based on 'self-learning' education system where we are encouraged to read differen books about the topic on our own… which for myself is a challenge where I'm used to my one text book which i have to study from…I'm finally getting used to the system, but it's already week 7 of my term… I have about 3 and half weeks to catch up on my past 7 weeks of reading!!!! a big lesson learned for next term…

I've picked up few british slangs as well as few greek and american words alongside… The people i hang out with the most are Ceri (british), mark (american) and makis (greek)... last saturday, we went to Kenilworth Castle to watch the bonfire and the fireworks to commemorate Guy Fawks and Bonfire night:

On the night of November 5th,
throughout Britain,
bonfires are set alight, effigies are burned,
and fireworks are set off.
The people do this to commemorate
their country's
most notorious traitor:
Guy Fawks

We stood in the drizzly cold field for about an hour and half watching the biggest bonfire i've ever seen from at least 200m away because the british ppl are very conscious of fire hazards (everything is fire proof in my residence hall and we are not allowed to leave our washroom doors opened after taking a shower because the steam from the room will activate the fire alarm, which has already happend twice)... the weather was very cold and wet, the field was completely muddy, it was your ideal British weather… it cost 6 pounds to enter, and we bought a hotdog to eat while we waited… which by the way does NOT taste like hotdogs we have back home… and i think this is one thing i miss the most about TO, eating street dogs after coming out of a club… here after clubbing, we eat kebabs… which stilll does taste good, but its not the same as eating a streetdog after a long night fo booging.. :) anyways, after we ate, the four of us just stood around talking, shivering and watching the kenilworth castle change colours in the dark… then finally the fireworks started and went on for about 15 minutes i believe and i don't think i've ever seen it so close before which was definitely a new experiece… then it suddenly hit me that i was in England standing near a castle watching the fireworks to celebrate some british holiday i've never heard of with ppl from all over the world and i couldn't believe how far i've come away from home to be here…
afterwards, we walked around the town (rather a village because it's so small) to look for a traditional english pub and we went into one that was built in 1563AD… it was more than 400years old!!!! we sat there talking for hours listening to the oldies, which by the way, all pubs in england must close by 11pm, unless it is a club which closes at 2 am… we finally bused back home around 12 because there were no cabs and luckily the buses were running…. and watched Top Gun at Mark's because while we were at the pub we heard a song from the movie…

and the weekend before that I was in LONDON for the first time since i've arrived to England and i think it was the best time i've had so far since I got here…. but this story will have to be saved for a nother day when i can also post up my pics because i must not go study some more before going to bed

i think tomorrow we might be going into town of Coventry at night to hit a local club called Icon, which is supposed to be good…

For those of you that was worried for me because of my cooking skills, worry no more because i can now cook decent meals!!!! :) sometimes i am not even sure what i'm making because i just put whatever ingredients together with which ever sauce i have in my fridge, but it still doesn't taste too bad.. rather, it's pretty good, so i'll be cooking alot more when i get back i think… and surprisingly i don't even miss korean food that much.. i crave for more non-asian food now, strange huh…. Me, JINIE, doesn't eat korean food and it's fine!! :) anyways, but it's also bad because i eat lot more junk food now than when i was back home.. actually, in TO i never really ate junkfood but here i eat a cookie or chocolate or whatever after dinner and at night time for snacks.. lets just hope that i don't come back 10 dress sizes bigger …

okok, really i have to go read!!! :)
thank you for all your prayers and emails, updates on my depression/homesickness will come very soon as well… i feel as though now i can get through most things in life because i was able to get through those two weeks of my life… once again, thank you…

i'll try to update my site more often… sorry once again for the delay :) and my laziness… i miss all of you very much, but i still love being on my own…
have a great week!!!

love, jin

: 09 Nov 2004 22:08 |  Tags: Warwick Updates |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Vision Statement

I need a vision statement for my life

• A vision is a statment of intentions; it defines a destination or future state that an individual or group finds desirable
• A vision gives us direction and purpose
• A vision is a vital element of the strategic development process; it drives strategic development and provides us with something to monitor our progress against

i just came back from one of my business courses, when it hit me that I had no long term goal for my life. I am so caught up in everyday problems and aches of my life that I forget to live for the big picture. If I don't know where i want to be in the future, how do now know which way to walk now… i feel like i've been walking around in circles, not knowing where i'm headed and where i've come from… i want to head towards a goal and whether i ever do come to achieve this goal or not, I have something to look towards…

I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

: 19 Oct 2004 13:55 |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

I just came back from a wonderful dinner with 2 other Canadians, 1 American, 1 British, 4 Malaysian, 2 Belgian?! and 1 German… to celebrate our Canadian Thanksgiving!!

Suey, Ceri and I went to Tesco after church to buy some groceries;
we bought 2 turkey meat, 2 lasagna, carrots, broccoli, potatoes, cranberry sauce, corn… and i think that was about it…

then we started cooking around 5:30 in our small kitchen, using 4 different small pots we can find…. it was chaotic… and hot, and stuffy… but all our hard work paid off when it was time to eat…

there were more people that we originallly had planned, but i guess as the night went on, i realized more the merrier…
earlier this week, and even today i was starting to get annoyed because nothing was really planned, and no one really knew what they were bringing and just how much to bring cause we weren't sure of how many people were going to show up…

Suey said, in the end, everything works out… so eventually, i had to stop stressing, which was a hard lesson for me to learn… to let go of controlling every situation… (that was my quick lesson of the day)

7 o'clock came around, there were about 9 people in the kitchen by this time, still trying to finish cooking all the veges, making pasta salad, which we had wayyyyy too much of… i'll be eating it for the next couple of days… as you will see in the pictures…

we had…

2 turkey meat, 1 chicken which we didn't even get to eat, corn, cooked carrots and broccoli, mash potato, garlic bread, and a pasta (lasgna) dish… it was deeeelicious!!!!

alllll, 12 of us sat in the kitchen, where we couldn't even move out of our seats to grab more food, we all had to bring our own plates and utensils cause there weren't enough for everyone…

once our dinner was done, we had dessert made by stephan and Florian, who made Crepe with apples cut up, sugar and ice cream.. as well as this german dessert, 'cream with peach'....

unfortunately, we never got to go around and say what we were thankful for, but for me, i was definitely thankful that i didn't have to sit and eat thanksgiving dinner alone in my empty kitchen on a sunday evening.. it was just so wonderful to be sharing a meal with people…
i don't think i ever really appreciated sharing a warm, cooked meal with people, even if you didn't even know them too well…

it definitely felt like home away from home…

so everyone back home, happy thanksgiving to you… hope you appreciate the warm meals you'll get to share with your family, and your friends this thanksgiving… i couldn't have had a better time tonight, so i am thankful… that i got to have my first canadian thanksgiving away from home…

: 10 Oct 2004 23:44 |  Tags: Warwick Updates |  Comments (5) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

My first and second week of school

Enrolling into courses at Warwick was definitely a hair-pulling experience… Here in England, they don't believe in technological efficiency… everything is done in person, not online, and you have to literally fill out 10 different contracts just to take one course…

I almost had a near breakdown because I couldn't get into a course that I needed to fulfill my requirement for York, but I managed to gather myself together… and go on with my day…

So, that was my first week of School.. I know most of you guys have been in school for quite awhile now… WEll, i've just started…

and the school terms are really weird here… i have my first term for 10 weeks, then i get 4 weeks of christmas break.. then i have another 10 weeks of school, then i get 5 weeks of easter break.. then i have another 10 weeks of school, but this time i don't really take any courses… i jsut have exams.. so i'm not sure how that works out, if i just do nothing everyday and only go for my exams, because technically i don't have any classes… strange…

this term, i am taking 4 courses;

1) Frech Social History 1814–1914
2) 'Race', Difference and the inclusive society
3) Equality and Diversity
4) operational research for strategic planning

my first two courses run for 2 terms, and my last two courses only last a term… and for most of my classes, i have "non-assessed" assignments, meaning i have to write them but THEY DONT GET MARKED!! then i get to choose either between, 1×3 hour exam or
1×4500 word essay AND 1×2 hour exam…

first of all, it's weird that I get to CHOOSE the way i am evaluated for my course, but i think i'm going to pick 3 hour exam, because i am not too fond of writing essays…

and for each course, i have a lecture and a seminar… each class is very small, no more than 25–30…. and my seminar classes are even smaller, it's about 8–10 people crammed in a small office talking to the professor about the course… which is very intimate and challenging, because you HAVE to have something intelligent to say each seminar since there are so few people… There's much more interaction between the students and the profs here…

I am also taking a spanish course on the side as my leisure course… i paid 52 pounds for 2 terms and it's just for fun… so far, it's been good, the teacher only speaks in spanish.. hopefully when i go back my spanish will be improved..

What i find very difficult is, finding the time to prepare a meal and eating it… especially in the morning when i am running, i just grab a bagel or some crackers and cheese… then when i get back from my classes, i actually have to cook my meal if i want to eat… so many times i was tempted to just starve, but i forced myself to make something, ANYTHING… so far, i've just been baking chicken nuggets and potatoes… because it's the easies thing to make… i've tried frying some weird British bacon which looks like ham, and have burnt them both times… my scrambled egg did not taste nor look very good… but i have to admit, my spaghetti sauce was rather tasty… i've eaten it twice already cause i made enough sauce to last me couple meals..
tomorrow, i'm going to 'TESCO'(thanx), it's like walmart with grocery, with my flatmate, Ceri after class… i 've learned not to buy too much at once because it takes quite awhile to walk back from the store to my res…

I joined 'Chamber music society' this week because i wanted to start playing piano again.. and i figured it'll keep me busy.. i might join choir as well.. i really miss singing and playing piano… I am going to also look for a volunteer position with Ceri tomorrow so that i can actually meet people outside of my university…

I know this entry is getting rather long , so pace yourself while reading it i guess.. but i'm almost done.. i just wanted to tell you bit about my flatmates…

in my flat, i have 4 other people living with me.. we each have a room of our own, and we share the kitchen, the shower and the bathroom.. we are all in our 3rd year of university, so we're all about the same age… Ceri, whom i talk to the most, is from London, she's my age… and she's really really really friendly and we get along rather well… then there's Jyoti(?!), she's also very nice, but we haven't really done anything together yet… then we have two guys, Hasan and i still haven't figured out the other guys' name.. they are both indian and they like to cook indian food in the kitchen.. so you can tell when they've been cooking.. they are also very nice, but they mostly just stay in their rooms..

whew… i think that's pretty much updated my life here at Warwick…

I'm still looking for a church, i haven't found one to go to as of yet… i should be going to a church this sunday with Sue I…

okok, i'm really leaving…
if you want to know anything else, just email me at jiniechoi@gmail.com
i miss you guys very much!!!
i'll be getting my cell phone working very soon, and my address in case you guys are wondering is:

93E Redfern
University of Warwick
Coventry CV4 7AL
United Kingdom

k, i'm OUT!!

: 05 Oct 2004 22:52 |  Tags: Warwick Updates |  Comments (1) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

My trip to Oxford

During my orientation week, we got to choose either to go to Oxford or to Stratford-Avon where Shakespear was born… I ended up going to Oxford because this girl I knew was going… but I just hung out with Sue I, walking down the streets of Oxford…. OXFORD!!!!
for the first time since I got to England, I finally felt like I was in England… the whole town/city revolved around the university which is made up of 39 colleges…. there isn't very much else to tell you about the day other than check out the pictures, the buildings were beautiful… I felt smart just being there… Oh, and we also visited a room where Harry Potter was shot… And i bought an "Oxford" sweatshirt… :) I've worn it once around my school, but I thought mayyybeee i should wear a "warwick" sweatshirt instead…

: 05 Oct 2004 22:07 |  Tags: Warwick Updates |  Comments (1) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

my first week in england

welcome
i figured this would be the most efficient way to share my life with all of you guys instead of emailing every person with the same story… which i was doing for awhile, but i've learned…

well, i am finally here in England, it seems like it's been months since I've left home… past couple of days, i kept having dreams about Toronto, and when i woke up i was in England… i was rather disappointed when i woke up… i guess my home sickness is starting to kick in this week…

where to start… my flight to england was rather a relaxing one, it was a quick ride over… i had an empty seat beside me, so i got to sprawl out on both seats and i pretty much slept the whole ride… (btw, please don't mind my grammar, as all of you guys may already be aware, my english still sucks)
i finally reached my destination, London Heathrow, at around 10:40 in the morning, which was 5 hours ahead of toronto… I met a girl from canada and we ended up helping eachother with luggages…

I then met my orientation leaders from Warwick, and took a coach bus from the airport to my school, which i believe took about 2 hours, but again, i slept the whole ride up…

once i arrived at the school, we had to hand in forms, sign up for bunch of meetings and waited for our luggages… unfortunately,
MY LUGGAGES DID NOT ARRIVE UNTIL TEN AT NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
apparently, there were some mix ups at the airport, and they could not transport our luggages until like 8 hours after we arrived… it was definitely one of the most frustrating moments of my life… by 10 pm, i finally got to see my bags, and not until 10:40pm, did i get into my room and finally settle in…
when i finally got into my room, i took a shower, which was just what i needed, but unfortunately my schooll decided NOT to turn on the heat for the night… my teeth were chattering, my fingers were frozen, my body was shaking in my ice box… i called my mom and alvin then, and i cried.. and cried.. and cried for the first time since i left toronto… i thought, if this is how the rest of my year's going to be, i am going to have a difficult year… i could not believe i left my home for this…

FORTUNATELY, the next day, heat came back on… i slept in until 12, missed the campus tour… but i felt much better… i met a girl name "Sue I" from vancouver and couple of her roomates…

each day, things got better and better… i went out at night time, we went drinking (i can drink a whole pint of beer in one sitting without feeling tipsy), we went dancing… it was a good week…

i even went grocery shopping with Sue I on friday… which i must have to admit, was pretty difficult… i bought so much food… cause i didn't really know what to buy.. then when i tried to cook this week, i didn't really have anything to cook with.. i realized i only bought fruits and vegetables, well mostly…

well i think this is it for now… sorry for the abrupt ending to my story.. but i gotta get ready to go to bed… i have an early class tomorrow morning… i'm missing home like crazy… i haven't cried yet though.. i'm trying really hard not to cry, even though i am always crying in my dreams… i have whole lot more stories to tell you about my second week here at warwick.. it'll be coming soon…

please pray for me.. that i don't lose patience, or my sanity… at least for the next few weeks..
i miss y'all... have a great weekend!!!

: 01 Oct 2004 00:32 |  Tags: Warwick Updates |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem