Depressed Man Diagnosed As Scottish

I am scottish. I thought this was quite amusing.

Alistair McGregor, an expatriate Scottish man living in America, was
recently diagnosed as clinically depressed, tanked up on anti-depressants
and scheduled for controversial Shock Therapy when doctors realized he
wasn't depressed at all…..........only Scottish.

Mr. McGregor, a Scottish man whose characteristic pessimism and gloomy
perspective were interpreted as serious clinical depression, was led on a
nightmare journey through the American psychiatric system. Doctors described
McGregor as suffering from Pervasive Negative Anticipation – a belief that
everything will turn out for the worst,whether it's trains arriving late,
Scotland's chances at winning any international sports event or even his own
prospects to get ahead in life and achieve his dreams.

"The satisfaction Mr. McGregor seemed to get from his pessimism seemed
particularly pathological," reported the doctors. "They put me on everything
– Lithium, Prozac, St John's Wort, Ginseng", said Mr. McGregor."They even
told me to sit in front of a big light for an hour a day or I'd become
suicidal. I kept telling them this was all pointless and they said that it
was exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in the first place."

Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a course of "weapons
grade MDMA", the only noticeable effect of which was six hours of speedy
repetitions of the phrases "mustn't grumble" and "not too bad, really". It
was then that Mr. McGregor was referred to a psychotherapist. "Suicidal?" Dr
Isaac Horney explored Mr. McGregor's family history and couldn't believe his
ears. "His story of a childhood growing up in the drab back streets of a
windswept grey town with treeless streets of identical run-down houses where
it rained every day, passionately backing a football team who never won,
seemed to be an idealized depressive memory – I thought all that was a
myth…"

Mr. McGregor had six months of therapy but seemed to mainly want to talk
about the weather – how miserable and cold it was in winter and later how
difficult and wet it was in summer. I felt he wasn't responding to therapy
at all and so I recommended drastic action – namely ECT or shock treatment".

"I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the rubber
bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my accent," said Mr.
McGregor. "I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think we're making a terrible
mistake'." Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of Scottish comedy giving her an
understanding of the Scottish psyche. "Classic comedy characters like Chick
Murray, Will Fife and The Crankies, all hopeless cases with no chance of
ever doing well or escaping their circumstances," she explained to the
baffled US medics. "In Scotland, being depressed to the point of suicidal is
considered the norm and is not seen as pathological at all." Identifying Mr.
McGregor as Scottish changed his diagnosis from 'clinical depression' to
'rather quaint and charming' and he was immediately discharged from
hospital, with a selection of brightly colored leaflets and an "I love New
York" T-shirt.

: 22 May 2005 10:19 |  Comments (9) |  Report a problem