All 2 entries tagged Cookery

The simple answer is she can't

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October 10, 2005

How To Cook For Students 2 – Cook Harder

Follow-up to How To Cook For Students from Hollyzone

Well I hope you've all survived the last ten months since I told you all how to cook cheese on toast. I even received news of one student starting a successful cheese sandwich bar which was judged the 3rd best restaurant in Kenilworth at the K-Wo Town Awards in June. But I feel you might need a more varied diet. After all if you all drop dead who will bring me chocolate and toilet paper when I demand it? Eh? EH? So shut up and learn about…

Chicken Caesar Salad And Soup.

You'll need soup for this y'know.

Look at it! Soup! Bow before it student for it is your god. A blended, liquified version of fruit and veg, distilled into a tin and sold in a nationwide supermarket as it soullessly drains the life from provincial towns, thus helping create a bland monoculture of ubiquitous shops… though I really love the convenience!

You also need bread. These are bread torpedoes but they can't be used in submarines.

I'd advise getting a tin opener because they are effective and useful devices as well as being guaranteed to improve your attractiveness to everyone by a minimum of 15%. Also we don't have one and using a penknife is a pain in the posterier. Use the right attachment. I recommend this one:

By constrast this one isn't that effective on soup tins…

…and this one is just plain shit (what is it for?):

Stab the tin until a sufficient hole is formed. Pour the soup into a pan and apply fire to the pan. I recommend matches but obviously rubbing sticks together or owning a dragon can be just as effective.

These are Cook's matches but I don't think he knows we have them because he's not asked for them back yet.

Now whilst that's heating on the stove (don't let it go on too long or it'll boil over and acquire a life of it's own, and join the Basketball team, and it won't want to hang round with you any more, and you'll feel sad) it's salad time.

Carry your ingredients to a work surface. If you're very bored then you can carry the lettuce like it was a penguin egg and you are a penguin. Wearing black can aid this fantasy.

Here are your ingredients, some non-explosive bread, a half empty bottle of caesar sauce (et tu Brute?), a penguin egg/lettuce, half a packet of cooked chicken (I'm too lazy to cook my own) and half a pepper. Inspiringly captured below.

Cut the lettuce up.

For crissakes! Call that a knife? This is a knife!

Mutilate the lettuce and pepper till it tells you where the gold is hidden, then dispose of the bodies in the lake before returing to your secret layer and awaiting the arrival of a hero played by some slack jawed non-actor pretty boy who is probably gay as a coot away from the media spotlight. Wash the salad because it'll taste less of chemicals that way. Or go organic if you're rich and mummy and daddy are paying for all of this.

Now mutilate some cheese. I used the cheese in the frige which my housemate bought, but you might like to buy your own.

Whilst knives are fun they are not perfect. They cannot be used to get the caesar salad out of the bottle. Try using your opposably digits. It's fun.

Now throw it all together and put dollops of sauce on it. The sauce will reduce the effect of the salad's healthiness by balancing it out with sugar, salt and fat. This will insulate you through the winter when your heating dies and the landlord is in Barbados. Hahaha.

Et voila! The meal is served on two plates to really piss you off later when it comes time to do the dishes.

Now all you have to do is eat it.

Oh for god's sake, a spoon woman, a spoon. Bloody penknife.

And, if you're not a total retard, you have now got two meals in your repetoire. Why not invite a sexy object of desire round and impress them with your skills? A three course meal is within your grasp, all you need do is dream the dream. And tidy up. It's all one big metaphor for life…


December 20, 2004

How To Cook For Students

Writing about web page http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/suffolk/4109411.stm

This is subtitled to help those who can't speak crappy Spanish

"¡Eh! ¿Holly?" [Hey! Holly?]"
"¿Qué? [What?]"
"Las dos días pasados has dicho, a cada miembre de tu familia a quien dijiste, que no sabes que quieres ser cuando dejas universidad [For the past two days you've told every family member who you spoke to that you don't know what you want to be when you leave university]"
"¿Así? [So?]"
"Delia ha se jubilado. Puedes ser una estrella de la cocina por la tele. [Delia has retired. You could be a kitchen star on the TV.]"
"Estos son drogas muy poderosos, soy hablando conmigo en Español sobre se haciendo una jefa de cocina por la tele… no es un idea mal. [These are strong drugs, I'm talking to myself in Spanish about becoming a TV chef... it's not a bad idea]".

Holly's Guide To Student Cuisine

Students like things simple. This is simple. Delia has shown you how to boil water and cook eggs. I do not even ask this of you. All you need firstly is a kitchen:
Here's one my parents prepared earlier.

You also need a chef's hat. Mine is modelled on the Russian army hats. It can be worn flaps up or flaps down.

Now you need ingredients-bread, cheese and a CD to listen to:

Put the CD in the CD player and press play.

Excellent, now remember to consider those around you who may not like the music you listen to whilst making food. Work out how well soundproofed their rooms are. Play CD at appropriate volume. Or you can tell them to get stuffed, you have great taste and it'll be just like it was with the Killers and Starsailor and Snow Patrol and soon everyone will like this band and they have no taste criticising you now. You are a tastemaker and trendsetter… and a hungry one at that.

Now you must grate the cheese and put it on the bread. Don't eat all the cheese straight away. Greedy student.

Now add something to taste. Search a cupboard or fridge. Don't use marmalde. It's wrong. Try BBQ sauce. Nice.

Put the concoction in a preheated grill. Don't ask me how to operate a grill. Ask someone you live with. If they all hate you then you're a nobhead and you probably deserve it. Or they're nobheads in which case glue their doors shut and melt their keys. Then get the number of a takeaway or something.

Change CD. It'll keep you occupied whilst the food cooks.

Make youself a drink. You're a student so Tesco's value juice is luxury for you. Mmmm…

Whilst you may have seen cute images of small children in 1950s sitcoms being allowed to lick the spoon clean once mommy has made chocolate cake, this is not appropriate here. It's unhygenic and anyway who wants to lick a cheese grater. They feel like cacti to touch.

Take the concoction out fo the grill before you smell burning. Serve with the juice and a copy of the Guardian (Observer if it's a Sunday).

Mmmm.

Time to change CD. Is this better or worse than the original? Why do I feel indifferent?

Now for the confident student you can attempt dessert. Not desert cos that's all wrong. Maybe a combination of two childhood treats- Jaffa cake and Muller corner yoghurts (known in my youth as 'Tip-overs'). Or if you're really lazy/desperate to get fit/not Niamh then you could try some fruit.

Oh yeah, new Delia here I come.


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