Scurvy!
I’ve had a great idea. I’m going to start a craze, or rather bring one back from the depths of the past. It’s only fair that if we’re making poverty history we take something in exchange, and history has many many things to offer us – like scurvy!
I’m bringing scurvy back! Yeah!
Why scurvy? Well, as we all know for the last few years pirates have been cool. Most people have seen Pirates Of The Caribbean in some form or another, and it takes a hard soul not to think Johnny Depp looks really sodding cool in said film. He looks about 500% cooler than Orlando Bloom who spends much of the film denying he is a pirate. He’s about 1,000,000% cooler than Jack Davenport’s character who resolutely isn’t a pirate. Also, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the fastest growing religion on Facebook and amongst sarcastic, prank loving students, holds pirates to be sacred and pirate garb to be essential to life. And what did pirates have? That’s right, scurvy. The groundwork has already been done and modern culture gleams like fresh manure, waiting for the seeds of the craze to be planted.
Now some would claim that this is a bad idea, that it is promoting an unhealthy lifestyle in an attempt to be ‘cool’. The answer to this is “Yes”. Yes it is. But if you consider the recent most ‘cool’ trend seems to be for crack then what are you complaining about. As shown above scurvy won’t help your teeth or skin, but these are young people we will be targetting and they generally have crap skin anyway. Let’s see the acne thrive in a vitamin C deprived environment. And whilst some will point out that it damages the liver, these are young people we’re targetting! I think their livers will be more concerned by the binge drinking than anything else. It could be helpful! Also a bit of gumminess and eye sinking is slightly less terrible than the results of crack which include:
- Depression, confusion and irritability.
- Reduced motivation, ambition and concentration.
- Hallucination and violence.
- Ending up living with Kate Moss whilst the papparazzi camp outside your house and cause no one to take your music seriously.
Yes, scurvy isn’t great but you could do worse with crack.
Scurvy is caused by a lack of vitamin C. Vitamin C is found in oranges and other citrus fruits. These are not native to Britain and have to be either imported or grown using aids which aren’t 100% natural. In short they contribute to global warming. A teen craze for scurvy will reduce the citrus imports thus reducing fuel needs for transport and meaning third world countries can keep the fruit and eat it themselves which is a good thing as we have been rather exploitative to the third world over the last bazillion years or so. As the most politically radical element of society, young people should wear their scurvy as a badge of honour.
So there you go, a manifesto for scurvy. All we need is someone famous to get it and talk about it loads and we’re sorted. We’ve decided to ask Lindsay Lohan.
Holly Cruise
21 Apr 2007 20:13
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[Skip to the latest comment]i am pretty sure that i have scurvy
22 Apr 2007, 14:58
The role of scurvy in history is not always understood. For example, did Nelson win the battle of Trafalgar due to the superior seamanship and fighting abilities of the British fleet? Well, actually, much of it was actually down to that. But… much of it was also due to the fact that the seamen manning the French fleet at Trafalgar felt like shit. Having just crossed the Atlantic twice without the benefit of the scurvy fighting fruit and veg rich (well richer than the French’s) diet that the British sailor endured, they were all suffering from scurvy and therefore not feeling terribly well when the fleet sortied again from Cadiz to give battle. Having said that, they still gave as good as they could but have you ever tried facing the combined broadside of the British fleet with a good dose of scurvy?
Probably not…
There you are: A marginally useful factoid about Scurvy… the British empire couldn’t have been built without it!!
23 Apr 2007, 09:58
On the subject of the battle of Trafalgar, did you know that some of the French seamen were dressed in clown costumes and other various acting and pantomime suits because they’d basically been freshly press-ganged by the French navy a couple of days before the battle!! Interesting fact for you!
23 Apr 2007, 23:05
My ex got scurvy whilst at uni, I think it was last year, got diagnosed by the doctor and everything. Then again she never did have the healthiest of diets, but yeah, there’s already an underground scurvy scene obviously, it just a matter of getting it out of the studenty underground and into the public sphere. Teens with scurvy can be the new emos! They’re going to be needing a new craze to make them all alternative soon…
27 Apr 2007, 03:00
I thought all british people already have scurvy… the teeth… the pallor… y’all really don’t need more of it over here.
sorry… had to be said by someone…
p.s. my sides hurt hehehe
29 Apr 2007, 14:25
Chris Murray
You have Gavin’s potatoes? Now I’m enraged, and I don’t even know who Gavin is.
But they tell me he has scurvy, a consequence of a certain vegetable being removed from his diet.
03 May 2007, 16:09
where the bloody hell has holly gone?
15 May 2007, 15:26
Holly Cruise
She’s here. She just found something to say again…
22 May 2007, 01:48
bob
holly do u have scurvy
22 Oct 2007, 19:36
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