All entries for Tuesday 23 October 2007

One Billion Fat Britains – A Vision For 2012

Sometimes I wish the tabloids were more interesting. Once you’ve read one “Shit! Foreigners coming here!” article, you’ve read them all. Maybe it would be more fun if the tabloids just completely ditched any pretence to basing their articles in fact and went for it. I could easily be a tabloid writer with that brief…

I’m concerned. Recent news articles are starting to worry me, especially the latest missives on the tabloids’ favourite reason to run around waving their hands, immigration, and the broadsheets’ favourite reason to shake their heads and tut excessively, obesity. Unfortunately no one has though through how these factors will combine in the future to cause us all major problems.

Thirty years ago the population of Britain was nearly seven million*, of whom 75% were fine upstanding citizens, 15% were oiks, rotters and bounders, and the remaining 22% had failed O level Maths.* Obviously back then there were no worries about Poles or Muslims as neither had been invented yet. The number of Irish was reckoned to be somewhere in the region of five million but no one could be arsed to count them, and they were too busy trying to ensure their descendants were still eligible to play football for Ireland. The average weight of a Briton at this time was 11 stone for a man, 9 stone for a woman and 17 stone for a member of the House Of Commons.* Remember this is before Thatcher made it cool for MPs to look like Skeletor from He-Man.

Anyway scientists recently used this data and worked out that if the population of Britain in 1977 had all jumped simultaneously, say at a Sex Pistols concert or because the Queen told them to for her Jubilee, then it would have caused all birthday cards propped up in living rooms across the nation to gently fall over onto the floor or the mantle piece.

2007 is a rather different matter. With over eight million immigrants arriving every week*, most of them as a result of the Labour government’s 2006 Come In And Take Our Women And Jobs Act, we are currently facing a crisis. Because most immigrants are from made-up countries like Grondle-Prectenzhuland, the Undemocratic Republic of Spew, and France, they are not used to the traditional English diet of lard, deep fat fried lard, and Cadbury’s Wispas. As a result most become obese within three months of arrival, unlike the native British who long ago learned how to burn off these calories by moaning really loudly and at great length.

The horrifying truth is that today if the entire population of Britain (estimated at roughly three hundred and forty seven million*, 87% of whom are Polish Muslims) were to jump at the same time, say at a Sex Pistols reunion concert, or because the ghost of Princess Diana told them to, it would cause Big Ben to fall over. And Big Ben is rather large. Just like the average inhabitant of Britain. The current average weight is 37 stone for a man, 32 for a woman and 11 for an MP, of which 3 are pure lies.

If this continues at its current rate then by 2012 (the date when we will invite loads of fit and healthy people to London to shame us with their prowess as we wobble and have cardiac arrests in the over budget stadia of London) then scientists fear that were the entire population of Britain (estimated to be nearly a billion*) to jump then it would sink the whole country in one go.

If we do not stop immigration now then this is our future. A sunken Britain will badly hit house prices. It is not worth it. Britain, just say no to other people. After all, we cannot run the risk of actually meeting a foreigner and realising they are just like us and are actually quite nice.

• ^{Source: Some numbers I made up.}

Holly Cruise : 23 Oct 2007 23:12 |  Tags: I Am In A Sarcastic Mood |  Comments (0) |  Close comments |  Report a problem