The quirky waiter part II

Follow-up to World's funniest waiter (and best curry house) from Ele's Elegant Easter Egg

Remember the curry house where the waiter spilt the raita all over the table and then told my friend and I that we were responsible? Well, we went there again last night for our celebratory singletons meal…

Whilst sitting with my back to the main body of the restaurant, I heard the waiter drop something behind me. I turned around to help him pick whatever it was up, and he just said 'Don't worry, it's fine', so I turned around and resumed my conversation.

Later on, I realised that there was half a wine glass under my chair, so I picked it up and placed it on the table.

As he cleared our plates, the waiter removed the piece of glass, gave me a stern look and said, 'That was you.'

Now I'm pretty sure it must have been the same waiter. He really needs to extend his repertoire… The same joke a year and a half on? Who know how many people he must have blamed for his clumsiness over the years! What a legend though.

: 15 Feb 2006 16:36 |  Comments (3) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Happy Love–Life Day – regardless of whether it is in existence!

Why is everyone getting so worked up about Valentines Day this year? I swear I've never had so many lonely hearts unburdening themselves upon me in the past! A significant minority of my friends are single, as am I, and I don't recall Valentines ever having been an issue in previous years. Ok, so it's nice if you're in lurrve but for the rest of us it's just another day (as long as you don't work in a restaurant, which I made the mistake of doing last year….wow, the concept of 'couplesville' took on a whole new level of ickiness for me!)

My best friend called me earlier genuinely depressed because she knew that the only cards she would be receiving would be from platonic sources: one from her dad (which arrived early, and even the gift he also sent her – incidentally, hello dad, if you're reading, where's mine?! – wasn't a surprise due to her little sister gravely announcing, 'kelly – pwesent' down the phone at her). The second, should it arrive tomorrow, will be from a male friend (who has a girlfriend) whom she more or less bullied into sending her something! (Kell, I love you but you know it's true!)

Similarly, a friend frenziedly MSN-d me earlier asking what I was up to tomorrow night, because her housemates were all going to be doing things with their boyfriends and she desperately didn't want to be in the house (this kind of panic I can understand – knowing that people are having sex near you is one thing, but being able to hear four couples at it – remember, uni houses have thin walls! – would be more than I could take!)

Now a few weeks ago, I remembered the torment of VD2005, of serving all those love-sick pups their truffle oil tortelloni and strawberry love heart cheesecakes, and I had the foresight to book the night off work. I then promptly reserved a table at the local curry house (surely the least romantic of destinations!) for me and three of my houesmates, so we could go out and have a good time despite our single status…The table quickly grew to five, six, and then seven seats as more and more people joined our fast-growing revolution of celebrating our lives regardless of whether we had boyfriends or not!

So my point, dear singleton blog-reader, is this – don't completely diss Valentines Day. Let's face it: from the point of view of those girls with boyfriends, it is probably the only time of year that blokes will even vaguely contemplate for the tiniest fraction of a second doing something in the remotest bit romantic. Let them have their chance! (As long as they don't rub it in our faces by executing PDAs, or Public Displays of Affection – less socially acceptable than an obese American ordering the all-you-can-eat buffet special.) And from the point of view of the older generation of men, it is probably the one day per annum that they get their leg over.

Valentines Day has done me and my friends a favour – it has given us an excuse to organise a night out, and we are so rarely all available at the same time that this in itself is quite something! We will also get to eat a yummy meal, something I for one would never moan about. Besides which, it is probably the only night of the year that we can safely chat up a man without worrying whether he has a girlfriend – a group of lads out on Valentines Night would, one would hope, signify singleness…(Ok so I never, ever chat people up but it's nice to know in theory.)

I'll leave it at this:

Don't spend tomorrow hating every second of it just because some dead saint got horny on this day a few hundred years ago. It could be the day you meet your dream man/woman, or that you're offered an amazing job, or that you just find a slightly mouldy-looking pound coin down the back of the sofa.

It could be the best day of your life!

Now go get 'em tiger.

Grr.

: 13 Feb 2006 22:28 |  Comments (10) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

The much–anticipated 'How to pull part II!'

Follow-up to How to pull! from Ele's Elegant Easter Egg

Having already imparted some of my vast fountain of wisdom to the girls, I think it's only fair that I give the boys an equal advantage. This is again a guide to how one should act on a first date in order to ensure a second…use it wisely!

1) Ok guys, let's begin with the basics: dresscode. I'm presuming that you will have arranged to take her to Maccie D's (as mentioned in previous blog) and what you wear is vital. I would recommend going one of two ways, depending on the type of girl you are taking, but either way you must make sure you go the whole hog – after all, you're out to impress.

Now if she's the straight-laced type, you're going to have to go quite formal. Tux, complete with bow tie, is essential. Hire a limo or, if you're on a budget, a rickshaw, and arrive at her door with a rose between your teeth to demonstrate your romantic nature. However, do watch out for those thorns – a bleeding lip might not give the best impression, not to mention the fact that the blood may detract from the taste sensation that is McDonalds cuisine.

But let's not forget, not all girls are into this kind of chivalry: chavs are abundant in the Midlands and they have rights too. If Crystal is your girl's name rather than her favourite brand of champagne, chances are you've landed yourself a chavette. However, should this not have put you off, you need to ensure your outfit corresponds to hers. Don your trusty Burberry cap (don't worry too much if it's fake, she'll be too bowled over by the date as a whole to notice). Wear an airtex T-shirt (Fred Perry or Lacoste are the best ones) with either some patterned Moschino jeans or a pair of tracksuit bottoms (one leg rolled up is optional). Compliment your outfit with a hefty gold chain and a couple of Elizabeth Duke's finest signet rings (in case there's any trouble like).

Regardless of which of the above options you choose, you will look amazing. Trust me.

2) Ok, so you're there. She scrutinises the menu for a while and then asks you what you'd recommend. Beware: this IS a trick question, devised by the devious minx to analyse your innermost thoughts. Your answer will affect your entire relationship, and should not be taken lightly. If you suggest a Big Mac, she will think that you're a bit of a pig but also a life-loving soul, eager to take all the (beef-flavoured) opportunities offered to you. However, if you say 'quarter pounder' she'll just think you're a boring sod. Recommending the fillet o' fish is dangerous as she may think you're getting ideas, whilst the salad options are an absolute no-no as it will be interpreted as an unequivocal hint that she is fat. Personally I'd say play it safe: a quarter pounder with cheese shows that you're neither greedy nor boring, but you do tend to play it safe (always reassuring to a girl looking for a husband. What? You weren't yet thinking of marriage?! Oh dear. Believe me, no girl goes on a date with a man before considering whether your babies would be beautiful and how well your eyes will co-ordinate with the dress she has had in her mind since the age of 7.)

3) The most scary part of a first date is thinking about what to say. She is, after all, almost a complete stranger and so it is often difficult to know how much of your zaniness to give away: too much and she'll think you're a nutter; too little and she'll fall asleep. I would say that a careful balance needs to be struck. For example, describing that sexual fantasy of yours involving you, her, two elephants, a lampshade and a cucumber should be ok just as long as you don't say that it will all happen whilst the theme tune from the Teletubbies plays in the background. You get my point.

Also, only introduce sex talk if she seems up for it (and any girl worth her salt will be. Trust me.) If she mentions anything to do with pencils, sharpeners, rubbers or any other innuendo-laden stationery talk, then she DEFINITELY wants you.

4) At the end of the date, make sure that you don't offer to walk her home as she will see this as pushy rather than a gentlemanly act to ensure her safety. Also, don't kiss her whatever you do. Even if she is a sure thing, you don't want her to think that you're just after 'that'. If she goes to kiss you, run away as fast as the wind will carry you. No man needs a hussy in his life.

Well my little cherubs, I hope I have shed some light on the workings of the female mind. If you follow my advice, there is no way that you'll fail to score a second date, and please make sure it's somewhere equally as prestigious as McDonalds. KFC may be a little too classy; I'd say opt for Wimpy. Kentucky's finest is third date material – you don't want to push the boat out until you're pretty sure she's a good catch. Good luck!

: 08 Mar 2005 17:32 |  Comments (13) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Wanted: Coventry–based R&B/soul/hip hop artists

My friend and I co-host a radio show on RAW (Coventry-based Warwick Uni's radio station, 1251am or listen online at www.radio.warwick.ac.uk) called E&R's R&B. We're on from 5-6 on Saturdays, and play R&B, soul and a bit of hip hop.

Obviously I'm plugging the show as the more listeners the better, especially because we're going on FM (87.7) between weeks 6 and…9 i think?!

BUT more importantly, if you are a local artist and want to get your stuff played and your name on the Warwick scene (with the possibility of a live studio interview), get in contact! E-mail me (Ele Cooper) through this blog and I will be in touch to get hold of your demo. Don't miss this opportunity, it could be your big break!

: 01 Feb 2005 19:14 |  Comments (24) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

How to pull!

Well, I have been on the dating scene for a while now and thought that I would share my vast wealth of knowledge with you, dear reader. Are you sitting comfortably? Good. I will begin this series of lessons with the dos and don'ts of First Dates…

1) Generally, one should go for a meal at Maccy D's. Be careful though: meals can bring all kinds of unforeseen problems. Be sure that you don't come across as one of those annoying girls who pretends she's never hungry, who orders a side salad and pokes it with her fork a bit before declaring she is stuffed. Order a Big Mac, large milkshake, extra fries, a veggie burger, some chicken nuggets in case you're still peckish, and obviously a McFlurry and some of those donutty things for good measure. This will demonstrate your unpredictable, colourful nature beautifully. Spill some food down your front to show that you're 'real' – he'll like that you don't care, and some five–day–old spinach wedged in between your two front teeth can often score you bonus points. Men hate hygiene freaks.

2) Aim to get there about half an hour late. By that time he'll be so embarrassed about your seemingly having stood him up, he'd be relieved if Jade Goody showed up, so you shall seem like a dream–like apparition in his hopeful little eyes.

3) Once inside the restaurant, make sure he is the traditional gent (i.e. he pays). This way he will know that you're a keeper. If he refuses to cough up, he is obviously a tight-arse. What, he believes in equality between the sexes?! Bugger that! Tell him that your mum always says that if a man doesn't pay that says a lot about meanness in general, and yes ladies, that can include activities in the bedroom! (Or car, or public toilets, or graveyard, etc.)

4) This is the stage that can lead many a man to stumble, even if he has avoided a dating faux pas thus far. Conversation. Need I say more? 'Oh yes, please do,' I hear you cry. Well my young protegee, you need to strike a careful balance here. Obviously, traditional dating advisors would say, 'Ask about him, that's what he wants to talk about, him him him!!' But come on now, that would be boring! Make sure that you being yourself into the talk at all times. Example:

HIM: 'I'm off to Mount Everest next week, I'm gonna try and climb it to raise money for the charity I started after my ex, who was, incidentally, a bisexual two–willied transvestite, died from a mysterious and seemingly incurable disease.'

YOU: 'Oh right, that's nice. I did a project on Mount Everest when I was in Year 4, in fact I got two housepoints for it. I always was academic. Mum baked me a cake as a reward, although to be fair I think I'm a better cook than her nowadays. In fact, I'm pretty good at most things. Nudge nudge, wink wink.'

5) This leads me to my next point: introduce innuendo at every opportunity. Let him know exactly what it is that you can do with your tongue and and a paper clip. He will not, I repeat NOT, think you are a slut. He will merely be intrigued and consider seeing you again because you are clearly quite a catch.

6) Alas, your date is drawing to a close. You're pretty certain he's keen, so you lunge in for a good ol' snog. He pulls away. This is obviously because he is shy, so explain that you understand his nervousness in your presence, after all you're a pretty hot laydee – that's H.O.T. HOT! Then say that yes, you will teach him how to kiss. Waggle that tongue like the live eel it resembles, and don't let his lie there like a limp sardine!!

7) Well, I'm pretty sure you'll have him hooked by now – who could resist once you've put the moves on him in such a manner?! But in case you're still unsure as to his keen–ness, I will update you with further tips in due course. Please feel free to ask any questions. That's all class.

: 14 Dec 2004 14:12 |  Comments (24) |  Close comments |  Trackbacks (1) |  Report a problem

A car 'by women for women' – don't men want one too?!

Listening to Radio 1 yesterday (despite being a RAW DJ i never seem to actually listen to the station…oops!) I was interested to hear the news item about Volvo's new car 'by women for women'.

There were too many 'innovative' features for me to remember, but here are a few:

A hole in the headrest for pony tails; changeable interiors so you can co-ordinate your car with your outfit/mood; extra big side windows to allow easier parallel parking; rubberized bumpers in order to accommodate for those who still don't manage to park properly; a feature that informs the garage that the car is due for a service so that the owner needn't bother…the list went on. And on.

At first I got all outraged feminist-esque and was furious about how increibly patronising the idea was.

But actually it sounds like quite a cool car! Surely men would also like a concept car such as this? (Reminds me of the Simpsons episode in which Homer designs the car for his long-lost billionaire brother!) I feel a bit sorry for all those boys who secretly yearn for just such an automobile but will now feel unable to purchase one for fear of ridicule! Luckily for those males, Volvo are not actually going to be selling the car. I guess it was just a strange publicity stunt. And my blogging about it has just made it work. Damn!

: 03 Dec 2004 16:13 |  Comments (6) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

Porn story part II

Follow-up to Porn Review from Ele's Elegant Easter Egg

As if our original Blockbuster experience wasn’t amusing enough…

Having rented the porno with my housemates (reviewed on a previous blog entry) and returned it the next day a good few weeks ago, I recently received a letter from Blockbuster informing me that my failure to return ‘Airport 69: Mile High Swingers’ had thus far earnt me £19 worth of fines, which were growing daily. Should I fail to return the video, wrote Mr Blockbuster, the case would be referred to debt collection agencies. This letter struck the fear of God upon my heart…

Off toddled Hanya and I to Blockbuster to question this letter, only to find the very same chap who served us originally (again, mentioned in previous blog entry) – Mark. He recognised us immediately (well, I suppose they don’t tend to get too many groups of students renting softcore porn). He looked at my account on the system which made no mention of an unreturned film and then apologised and put the letter down to ‘human error’.

With that sorted, we began to walk away only to realise how massive the queue was. Quick as a fox, I darted back to the counter and cheekily asked if, due to the considerable distress the said letter had caused, it would be possible to skip the queue once we’d selected our film. Of course, Mark, by this time a good pal, said that would be fine. Upon returning to him with our vid (Mean Girls in case you were wondering!) he let us have it for free!

MARK FROM TILE HILL’S BLOCKBUSTER – YOU ARE A LEGEND!!!

: 28 Nov 2004 18:27 |  Comments (5) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

World's funniest waiter (and best curry house)

I hereby declare the Royal Bengal on Albany Road in Earlsdon the best curry house in the world. The curries are cheap and delicious, and I think I'm going to marry the waiter, for his sheer quirkiness.

While he was clearing our table, he knocked over the little sauce-holding-spinny-thing and thus spilt raita all over the table cloth. Immediately he glared at me and said, 'You did that.' My friend and I didn't know quite how to react!

Obviously he was just being 'ironic' but I just found it hilarious, and wanted to share it with the good bloggers of Warwick.

: 03 Nov 2004 00:05 |  Comments (6) |  Close comments |  Trackbacks (1) |  Report a problem

Progression – kind of

Having had a discussion with the legend that is Andrew Parker(!), my thoughts have moved in a new direction. I was becoming very concerned because everyone is doing masculinities in education, and so I asked him whether I should maybe investigate the possibility of returning to the Housing Association where I worked over summer and looking at something like power relations between housing officers and tenants. However, he suggested sticking to the original topic but maybe shifting the focus of my study.

One potential research area we discussed was to look at the friendships between 6th form boys, something which is relatively unchartered territory. I liked this concept because it would probably have been difficult talking to young children as they don't tend to be very serious, and would arguably be more inclined to tell you what they think you want to hear or on the other hand deliberately say things to provoke a reaction.

We discussed possible reactions of the sample to me due to my gender and fairly close age, and I think it would probably be best to go into a mixed sixth form so as not to be so conspicuous! Andy also warned against group interviews as the sample are likely to be boisterous and not very honest!

My problem here is access because I went to an all girls school. Today I called my old Sociology teacher (shout out to Sue Charlton!!) and asked if she had any contacts at the school I have in mind. Unfortunately she didn't, but she said that the deputy head at my old school used to work there so she gave me his number – I've left a message for him to call me back, but nothing as yet.

Then I got talking to my mum about it and it just so happens that, unbeknownst to me, one of the members of my dad's band is deputy head of the school in question! So I'm now in the process of trying to obtain his email address as I'm thinking initial contact is better in writing as it doesn't put him on the spot and if I call him and he happens to be having a bad day, I might inadvertently blow my chances.

So, I will write more if and when I have established contact with a member of staff at the school…

: 02 Nov 2004 20:03 |  Tags: Field Studies |  Comments (1) |  Close comments |  Report a problem

WANTED: the perfect housemate!

WANTED: the perfect housemate.

Did anyone see Hollyoaks the other day when two of the characters were debating what to write on their advertisement for the perfect housemate? (They were trying to be non-offensive whilst ensuring that they wouldn't get losers, for those of you who are not, for whatever bizarre reason, hooked on the brilliance that is this Chester-based youth soap.)

Well myself and my good friend Hanya have recently been faced with a similar problem: four of our housemates are moving out next year for various reasons, which leaves us with a house for 6 with only two inhabitants. We did mention to the landlord the possibility of us paying the same rent and having the other rooms as dressing rooms, music rooms, maybe a pool room…but for some reason he didn't seem convinced. Weirdo.

So anyway despite what you might have presumed from the fact that all our mates are leaving us, we are reasonably nice-ish people (well, on the surface anyway) and we've managed to fill all of the rooms but one now, which brings me to the point…

Basically what we need is a male – but not just any old male. He can't be too good-looking as we don't want to be worrying about what we look like in the morning pre-makeup application (and good-looking blokes tend to be twats anyway). However, neither can he be a complete minger, as we like to be able to eat without feeling nauseous.

We want a 'lad', because we have many homosexual friends whom we love deeply but we feel we need to redress the balance and hear some burps and stupid tales of bravado and conquest. But at the same time, this fictitious man needs to have a kind, sensitive side.

And be clean.

Any takers???

: 01 Nov 2004 20:21 |  Comments (7) |  Close comments |  Report a problem