All entries for December 2004

How to pull!

Well, I have been on the dating scene for a while now and thought that I would share my vast wealth of knowledge with you, dear reader. Are you sitting comfortably? Good. I will begin this series of lessons with the dos and don'ts of First Dates…

1) Generally, one should go for a meal at Maccy D's. Be careful though: meals can bring all kinds of unforeseen problems. Be sure that you don't come across as one of those annoying girls who pretends she's never hungry, who orders a side salad and pokes it with her fork a bit before declaring she is stuffed. Order a Big Mac, large milkshake, extra fries, a veggie burger, some chicken nuggets in case you're still peckish, and obviously a McFlurry and some of those donutty things for good measure. This will demonstrate your unpredictable, colourful nature beautifully. Spill some food down your front to show that you're 'real' – he'll like that you don't care, and some five–day–old spinach wedged in between your two front teeth can often score you bonus points. Men hate hygiene freaks.

2) Aim to get there about half an hour late. By that time he'll be so embarrassed about your seemingly having stood him up, he'd be relieved if Jade Goody showed up, so you shall seem like a dream–like apparition in his hopeful little eyes.

3) Once inside the restaurant, make sure he is the traditional gent (i.e. he pays). This way he will know that you're a keeper. If he refuses to cough up, he is obviously a tight-arse. What, he believes in equality between the sexes?! Bugger that! Tell him that your mum always says that if a man doesn't pay that says a lot about meanness in general, and yes ladies, that can include activities in the bedroom! (Or car, or public toilets, or graveyard, etc.)

4) This is the stage that can lead many a man to stumble, even if he has avoided a dating faux pas thus far. Conversation. Need I say more? 'Oh yes, please do,' I hear you cry. Well my young protegee, you need to strike a careful balance here. Obviously, traditional dating advisors would say, 'Ask about him, that's what he wants to talk about, him him him!!' But come on now, that would be boring! Make sure that you being yourself into the talk at all times. Example:

HIM: 'I'm off to Mount Everest next week, I'm gonna try and climb it to raise money for the charity I started after my ex, who was, incidentally, a bisexual two–willied transvestite, died from a mysterious and seemingly incurable disease.'

YOU: 'Oh right, that's nice. I did a project on Mount Everest when I was in Year 4, in fact I got two housepoints for it. I always was academic. Mum baked me a cake as a reward, although to be fair I think I'm a better cook than her nowadays. In fact, I'm pretty good at most things. Nudge nudge, wink wink.'

5) This leads me to my next point: introduce innuendo at every opportunity. Let him know exactly what it is that you can do with your tongue and and a paper clip. He will not, I repeat NOT, think you are a slut. He will merely be intrigued and consider seeing you again because you are clearly quite a catch.

6) Alas, your date is drawing to a close. You're pretty certain he's keen, so you lunge in for a good ol' snog. He pulls away. This is obviously because he is shy, so explain that you understand his nervousness in your presence, after all you're a pretty hot laydee – that's H.O.T. HOT! Then say that yes, you will teach him how to kiss. Waggle that tongue like the live eel it resembles, and don't let his lie there like a limp sardine!!

7) Well, I'm pretty sure you'll have him hooked by now – who could resist once you've put the moves on him in such a manner?! But in case you're still unsure as to his keen–ness, I will update you with further tips in due course. Please feel free to ask any questions. That's all class.

: 14 Dec 2004 14:12 |  Comments (24) |  Close comments |  Trackbacks (1) |  Report a problem

A car 'by women for women' – don't men want one too?!

Listening to Radio 1 yesterday (despite being a RAW DJ i never seem to actually listen to the station…oops!) I was interested to hear the news item about Volvo's new car 'by women for women'.

There were too many 'innovative' features for me to remember, but here are a few:

A hole in the headrest for pony tails; changeable interiors so you can co-ordinate your car with your outfit/mood; extra big side windows to allow easier parallel parking; rubberized bumpers in order to accommodate for those who still don't manage to park properly; a feature that informs the garage that the car is due for a service so that the owner needn't bother…the list went on. And on.

At first I got all outraged feminist-esque and was furious about how increibly patronising the idea was.

But actually it sounds like quite a cool car! Surely men would also like a concept car such as this? (Reminds me of the Simpsons episode in which Homer designs the car for his long-lost billionaire brother!) I feel a bit sorry for all those boys who secretly yearn for just such an automobile but will now feel unable to purchase one for fear of ridicule! Luckily for those males, Volvo are not actually going to be selling the car. I guess it was just a strange publicity stunt. And my blogging about it has just made it work. Damn!

: 03 Dec 2004 16:13 |  Comments (6) |  Close comments |  Report a problem