How to pull!
Well, I have been on the dating scene for a while now and thought that I would share my vast wealth of knowledge with you, dear reader. Are you sitting comfortably? Good. I will begin this series of lessons with the dos and don'ts of First Dates…
1) Generally, one should go for a meal at Maccy D's. Be careful though: meals can bring all kinds of unforeseen problems. Be sure that you don't come across as one of those annoying girls who pretends she's never hungry, who orders a side salad and pokes it with her fork a bit before declaring she is stuffed. Order a Big Mac, large milkshake, extra fries, a veggie burger, some chicken nuggets in case you're still peckish, and obviously a McFlurry and some of those donutty things for good measure. This will demonstrate your unpredictable, colourful nature beautifully. Spill some food down your front to show that you're 'real' – he'll like that you don't care, and some five–day–old spinach wedged in between your two front teeth can often score you bonus points. Men hate hygiene freaks.
2) Aim to get there about half an hour late. By that time he'll be so embarrassed about your seemingly having stood him up, he'd be relieved if Jade Goody showed up, so you shall seem like a dream–like apparition in his hopeful little eyes.
3) Once inside the restaurant, make sure he is the traditional gent (i.e. he pays). This way he will know that you're a keeper. If he refuses to cough up, he is obviously a tight-arse. What, he believes in equality between the sexes?! Bugger that! Tell him that your mum always says that if a man doesn't pay that says a lot about meanness in general, and yes ladies, that can include activities in the bedroom! (Or car, or public toilets, or graveyard, etc.)
4) This is the stage that can lead many a man to stumble, even if he has avoided a dating faux pas thus far. Conversation. Need I say more? 'Oh yes, please do,' I hear you cry. Well my young protegee, you need to strike a careful balance here. Obviously, traditional dating advisors would say, 'Ask about him, that's what he wants to talk about, him him him!!' But come on now, that would be boring! Make sure that you being yourself into the talk at all times. Example:
HIM: 'I'm off to Mount Everest next week, I'm gonna try and climb it to raise money for the charity I started after my ex, who was, incidentally, a bisexual two–willied transvestite, died from a mysterious and seemingly incurable disease.'
YOU: 'Oh right, that's nice. I did a project on Mount Everest when I was in Year 4, in fact I got two housepoints for it. I always was academic. Mum baked me a cake as a reward, although to be fair I think I'm a better cook than her nowadays. In fact, I'm pretty good at most things. Nudge nudge, wink wink.'
5) This leads me to my next point: introduce innuendo at every opportunity. Let him know exactly what it is that you can do with your tongue and and a paper clip. He will not, I repeat NOT, think you are a slut. He will merely be intrigued and consider seeing you again because you are clearly quite a catch.
6) Alas, your date is drawing to a close. You're pretty certain he's keen, so you lunge in for a good ol' snog. He pulls away. This is obviously because he is shy, so explain that you understand his nervousness in your presence, after all you're a pretty hot laydee – that's H.O.T. HOT! Then say that yes, you will teach him how to kiss. Waggle that tongue like the live eel it resembles, and don't let his lie there like a limp sardine!!
7) Well, I'm pretty sure you'll have him hooked by now – who could resist once you've put the moves on him in such a manner?! But in case you're still unsure as to his keen–ness, I will update you with further tips in due course. Please feel free to ask any questions. That's all class.
14 Dec 2004 14:12
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[Skip to the latest comment](gives up trying to stifle laughter)
Well said, well said.
(sniggers)
Very nice indeed. For advice to men, please see the comments on my blog about pirate hats.
Or pirate memory games. :)
Well girls, I'm off to MaccyDs to order some chicken McNuggets. And fries. And one of those donut things…
14 Dec 2004, 14:42
Andrew Ingram
~add-to-favourites~
14 Dec 2004, 14:58
Beware Maccers!
I arranged to go out with a girl once; she had eaten in Maccers before coming on the date and she greeted me a hearty McBurp – YUK! It was reasonable grounds for me to dump her.
14 Dec 2004, 15:18
"House points"?! I've been here for three years but what the hell are house points?!
14 Dec 2004, 16:19
Paying for stuff:
Hmm, not sure if I agree with you. I'm pretty flush at the moment and even if I was I'd probably find myself instinctively offering to pay for a maccie d's on a first date, though having said that I'd probably offer to pay for a mates maccie d's if we'd ordered together cos I hate tightness.
But in principle the idea that the man should pay for everything more generally is obsolete and is also the flip side of men being the bread winner and the women staying at home (since we are in Warwick I'm thinking Bridget Jones' mum for some reason).
So, in an actual relationship there should be "from each according to their ability and to each according to their needs". Anything other might be fine for private school boys and girls with their respective DBIs (daddy bought its) and semi-automatic high flying jobs screwing over everyone else, but for the rest of us it would be to reduce love to a market relationship.
14 Dec 2004, 16:26
Adam: Quite often in primary schools, kids are divided into, say, four 'houses' (generally randomly, although sometimes according to older sibling's former house) and when they've done well the teacher will award them a house point which goes towards their house's total score. Don't know about other schools, but at mine, the total number of HPs (as they were known!) were tallied up and the house that won would be awarded with, for example, a mufti day. (In case you're not familiar with that one, it's where kids can wear their own clothes to school for the day!) Hope that clears things up for you!
Also I'm not sure by your most recent comment if you understood that this was a humorous blog…but it was. :)
14 Dec 2004, 16:38
Andrew Ingram
On occasion I could get multiple housepoints for single pieces of work. Yes, there were indications of my future awesomeness even when I was just a little boy.
14 Dec 2004, 16:42
James Miles
That's a piece of pure tongue-in-cheek FRIED GOLD. Well done, made me laugh my arse off.
"Oh right, that's nice. I did a project on Mount Everest when I was in Year 4, in fact I got two housepoints for it. I always was academic. Mum baked me a cake as a reward, although to be fair I think I'm a better cook than her nowadays. In fact, I'm pretty good at most things. Nudge nudge, wink wink."
WINNAR!!!!111one111
14 Dec 2004, 17:12
That made for very amusing reading. I am pleased to say that is how I behave on all first dates, they still never work out though. i just don't know why. Hmmm.
14 Dec 2004, 18:22
well ele.
you display a sound knowledge of the dating game. i have to say i am some what suprised. I had this image of you as a girl from the home counties who was into wholesome activities such as horse riding and brisk walks in the country! but it turns out you could quite easily be a Bognor girl! fantastic. i have been back in good old Bognor Regis (yes it is a real place) for a while now and have spent many a happy hour in the lovely maccyDs located in the high street soaking up the ambience and admiring the girls with large gold hoopy earings tucking into their big macs. ele i think we should go out on date next term. me, you and a selection of burgers, chicken nuggets and happy meal toy's = perfect date.
my own pesonal tip for the ladies of warwick out there would be thus.
always put out on the first date. he WILL respect you for it.
statistically speaking couples who had sex on the first date were more likely to get married and have children than those who waited a bit (why bother, just means you have more nights in alone with a fun size bounty and a copy of auto trader….....thats not speaking from personal experience of course).Some social commentators have suggested that this is largely because the girl gets pregnant and is forced into a shot gun wedding by her family to save social stigma. well thats just cynical rubbish, its because they love each other silly.
trust me on this i study sociology. These comments are backed up with solid empirical research.
oh yeah and my claim to fame this week.
john from the band G4 (X factors beaten finalists) is a bognor boy whom i used to work with at tesco!
i have a story i could sell to the sun about him.
i am just waiting untill he signs a record deal. we were best mates see.
14 Dec 2004, 21:07
lmao.
you're a prohpet….ess?, in the making and u don even know it.
u sure you don wanna add in say
a) burpp as loud as you can and dare him to top it. ( it shows that you're competitive and love a challenge)
b) lift up your left leg an let one ripp!!! (you're after all being 'real'. no use going half way with it.
c) when the waitress walks by, stare at her arse an with a hungry look in your eye say, " i'd burst a nut for a piece of that arse" ( you can easily adapt to fit his cravings….........an u know how men love the whole lesbian thing)
14 Dec 2004, 23:40
Ele,
That's useful for the ladies, I'm sure. But I think you need to make an equivalent guide for guys, to give us some advice as to how to melt the heart of a classy lady such as yourself. Any pointers?
14 Dec 2004, 23:50
Max: You're in luck, I'm working on just such an article at the moment. Watch this space! (Oh and thanks for the 'classy lady' bit!)
15 Dec 2004, 11:30
Michael: Good tips, hadn't thought of them but no doubt they'd go down a treat!
Seb: If only Caroline Wright were here on this blog with us, she'd love your comment! And G4 - pah, nothing compared to my claim to fame which is that I have pulled Charlie from Busted! (Yay!)
15 Dec 2004, 11:41
A highly amusing read, one now believes weshould petition the SU for an on-campus house of unhealthy delights (aswell as a macdonalds ;) ) to test your plan in. Especially if you bring out a male's version of this plan although from the above i guess its just be
-Show up (arrive 10mins early and wait in shame for 40 minutes)
-Shut up (let her talk about herself as shes far more interesting)
-Stump up (pay the bill and any other expenses she can conjour up)
-And potentially pucker up
15 Dec 2004, 19:46
Well Paul, you've pretty much summed it up although of course my soon-to-be-published guide for men will be a little more detailed with some insider tips that you won't find on some cheap channel 4 sex advice programme! Follow your rules though and I'm sure she'll be like putty in your hands…
15 Dec 2004, 21:28
hehe, quality read! Just what I needed when trying not to do my essay :D good work!
17 Dec 2004, 00:10
I'm still waiting for the advice you promised us all!
03 Jan 2005, 16:25
Sorry Simon, this agony aunt has been having a break over the Christmas period but I promise I shall return to my former blogging splendour once I have got back to uni! (My home internet connection is far too unpredictable to even attempt a blog entry.)
05 Jan 2005, 12:44
OK, ok. We'll wait. In anticipation. We haven't forgotten!
Right, back to my soil essay.
31 Jan 2005, 20:53
I've hardly looked away from my screen in the last month, in anticipation of your guide. My eyes hurt. Please hurry up and post it! ;-)
12 Feb 2005, 16:37
Matthew Rogers
Very funny post. Look forwards to the tips for men.
My advice for men to deal wth ele's proteges:
1. Forget your wallet and apologise profusely
2. Order for her and choose salad
3. Use the half hour wait to pull the pretty girls serving burgers, after all arts students need love too!
4. Learn the art of pretending to listen by inserting strategic hmms and ahs or tell me more in the conversation while letting your mind focused on more interesting subjects like guessing her bra size
5. Innuendo is good but see if she can stand the heat by upping the ante and being cruder and more explicit than her. Soon her mask will fall and you will find out whether she is a slut or just pretending. In the former case cut short the date and whisk her to the nearest empty cupboard, in the latter case move on.
6. If you don't like the girl use the i thought we were just friends did i mention i was gay approach. Then proceed to grab the nearest man in sight and french kiss him.
7. By this time if you follow my advice you will have avoided the advances of said man eater and enjoying the passionate embrace of the nearest peroxide blonde chav.
In the battle of the sexes ele you are no match for me. If however you think you could handle me how about we rendez vous at maccie d's sometime next week.
13 Feb 2005, 13:49
Thomas Cock
Hey matteeeee
you is soundin bling tonight yeah?
wanna get down to summat da lovin?
ya?
14 Feb 2005, 00:12
comedy. absolute comedy.
favourite
10 Jan 2006, 10:40
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