June 03, 2006

Two outta three aint bad

As with most things, nothing ever is perfect. You lose things when you dont expect, you find others outta nowhere. I had my first 2 exams today outta the 3 that complete my degree, one being good and the other being mediocre. Maybe its just the way today has gone and the conversations that Ive had, but it seems like nothing really matters in terms of grades and exams, Ive done my best and no need to worry. Im finding that the more important things are my friends and how they are feeling about things. Its like a total U–turn in that I can no longer see myself as the main priority due to the fact Im so comfortable with failure. Ive determined what matters most to me, but that isnt necessarily what it should be, and in the main it certainly is what it cannot be. I know that whatever the degree I come out with I wont have truly made university worth while because it has had so many effects on my life that have been not necessary and could be considered as untoward. I hate myself for becoming what I always hated in other people. So I am boring and I am verging on academic, but does that make me a bad person? I wish more than anything that I could turn back the clock to a period which would allow me to make changes in my life and make me a person worth knowing again, even to the start of this year would be useful cos Ive upset so many people who were close friends at the beginning and now I dont know whether I even deserve them to be even at that level.

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