All entries for Wednesday 24 May 2006
May 24, 2006
Surprisingly managed to copius amounts of revision this morning. But the only reason I went to campus was to see an old flatmate after her exams. Thats when it suddenly hit me. After spending so much time with her and her mates, who I previously recognised as mine too, I felt somehow uneasy. There was the aspect of the most expensive habit known to man being only a few yards away; the whole era of my life I tried to forget; and the agony of walking away. But it occurred to me the reason I am who I am now, is due to abstinence. Im now a social reject from this group cos Im not involved with the scene anymore, and Im a social reject from the "norm" cos I never was part of it, nor do I have the desire to conform. Warwick has the most polarised society I have ever known. If your in the right places you get to know the underground people and your remain with that, but there is also the other side that your never truly accepted by the many religious types who seem to frequent areas of campus. Im starting to feel that everything good that has happened to me during uni has been messed up by my own inability to mould. Call it a learning curve, one that will make you a better person. Hell the affects of abstinence are there, but all the same… Im just boring and a has–been who never really gains the faith. Ive messed up my whole university career and lets be honest I wish I never came. Ive not lost my trademark passion or heart–on–sleeve mentality, its just I now keep quiet on all issues. At uni I found myself speaking only when spoken to, and at home Ive started to be like that too. My only problem now is I cant deal with myself. I havent felt this way in so long I dont know what to do, Ive broken out the booze and I feel that maybe of aggression therapy being induced may help but nothing to punch anymore, the house is so shoddy Id put a fist through most things. I just wanna get out, University is like a prison and my life sentance which it has become has no bounds, it will continue on the outside.
"Sick of this life,
not that you care,
Im not the only one with who these feelings I share,
Nobody understands what while we're here,
Searching for answers that never appear.